a poem that isn’t necessarily going to be seen by its subject

oh damn! goddamnit baby once we could’ve had a real life; living, fucking, smoking weed at our own liberty
but everything does damage and though i tried to help by adding you to my phone plan i’m far from an exception.
it’s absolutely fine, okay, you can blame me, baby, stop crying, blame me! blame me! does that make it easy?
i’ll take all the blame, but i truly still can’t lie to you now, scorpio rising truth falls where ruins run

places in the past i can no longer go because nostalgia takes me to when and where we got weird just for fun
and i know anyone wise knows with death comes rebirth so i should just accept it and things as they are now but
first, just this time, now i’ve got your attention, why do i hurt so and why does it take so forever ever ever long
i look an awful lot like i think you once would’ve cherished but now it’s never time to be more than numb

so with these thoughts and more and less back then i tried to be a person i swear i did my best
i took the appointments and the respite and the psychiatric tests
everything i did was something like i did everything the elders told me like i let so many men do that to me too
you tell me since then i shouldn’t’ve, but where then when i didn’t know, where back then were you?

i know i’m not your problem i was for only just about one year
depending on who you ask we were together forever but you could tangerine-erase me and i’d be tarred and feathered willingly
i swear i never meant wrong but you won’t believe me saying that even as you see me caked in mostly my own fear
i sit here on your doorstep with nothing but shame, excuses, hopes for forgiveness; no idea whether to reconnect, as you can plainly see

but i do not sit at the one outside your home where you taught me how to sit through a movie without flinching
not where you spent so long smiling learning things about me as if i was some magical thing before i became wretched in your head
i’m sure you’ve forgotten them baby, i haven’t forgotten what happened or how to see
i’m in the home you made for us that i never let let go or truly set free, the one you stood outside of smoking cigarettes and talking to an australian girl or perhaps someone else about me

i never thought we weren’t together then or later, not when – i’m so sorry – i left you alone under the hot hot sun
later i didn’t think it meant anything, when you missed my july birthday party, i thought it was just a trivial covid thing that had to be,
i was hurt but it didn’t matter because i still thought then that we’d get married when we were done,
i still hought we were soulmates, now she puts that word on the internet like you’re her pet meat but that’s okay, she’ll see

you are a fighter; an aries ram! but maybe without the hate i let fester when i didn’t even know
she won’t give you reason to leave like my bloated cheating and hurting you in fears of i still don’t know how to correct the muck in the murk
she’s still, controlling, excuses you gave me way back when, don’t seem to go far don’t seem to show
you how bad things get and that there are thousands better than her, me, any shallow fuck, or any flirt,

mental health disorders do things and my brain doesn’t never really did work like it should,
oh yes chronic mental health problems fuck with anything they bring and i never lived like i could
i had potential i had regular life house pets front yard once long ago or maybe just i should
and i was gonna change every policy in my head just for you, my intention was that i genuinely would

but now i cower in the shadows of my own apartment home where you first spoke words to her,
where you called to save her (where you wouldn’t have if not for me) and as i remember that day i suppress a scream,
then i take my swollen hurting tongue and instead i linger in the flavors you’ve left here for me to savor far too much time later
i wish i tasted your sweet honeysuckle words back when they were meant for me, they were once meant only for me

i wish i knew then that honeysuckle could just be sweet, lovely honeysuckle and not poison.
it’s true, i never thought that anything normal would work and i fought and ended things and i was selfish, too
many things i regret but not one word of my truth could even work with you, i froze myself in my own prison
i let my flesh become my petrified cave, i let my hatred see me here until the end of days no matter how few

damn! damn! i’m sorry i once so wholly loved you in such close proximity with only a trick window to view me and how
i kept it all inwards it was beautiful and i thought you did the same thing, i thought you saw the same pristine views
but you showered me with affection instead, i should’ve done the same, i know it sounds odd but i see that only now,
i don’t expect anything, but the truth should be out there. i lived it now i wrote it, hoping one day that you’ll read it and know i now tell you truth

a short update today

i wrote another poem. this one is in video form – i spoke it aloud to my microphone and i set footage i’d shot to my voice speaking about death, rot, suicide, decay, life.

tw suicide, but here it is:

i might actually be proud of this one.

xxoo
zélie thorn