tw sa/sh but what’s the point of having a blog and never using it?

i’m back on my vhs glitch bullshit, and here we go again. i made a vlogmas trailer/intro;

but i don’t know if i’m doing vlogmas, even though i’ve been filming.

i guess i should make my glitchy witch bitch 2021 youtube intro soon.

other videos i made since then include but are not limited to:

(this one got me a kind of okay music talent scout email!)

these were (mostly) so fun to make!

i included SA/rape/domestic abuse helplines in the youtube post for the video where i cover little mix and mention that user9429450 aka my ex casey, who i loved deeply and fucked up around too, but who honestly fucked me up worse after i left another ex for being emotionally abusive and physically threatening/breaking my stuff. he was not what i needed. he sexually assaulted me, which i woke up to, while he was drunk. i’ll include resources below:
https://thehotline.org
https://ncadv.org
in the USA, you can call 1-800-799-7233
crisis text line: text SUPPORT TO 741-741

i’m listening to miley cyrus’ plastic hearts album, and telling you about it for a blog post, livejournal style. but this is not livejournal. this is wordpress. golden g string is a banger; a very good song. i feel like miley cyrus has grown hugely in the past several years.

i have a new boyfriend, and gel nails he paid for (the nail tech was tipped generously and i politely complied when they asked to take my temperature)…everything should be okay. depression and mental illness still has me in its raw-thistle-hands rough-bleeding-wounds-skin choke-hold-kill situation… but i did also switch to a new antidepressant, well, restart an old one; wellbutrin. it has helped me in the past. it works on dopamine, not your serotonin. it does lower your seizure threshold and increase that risk.

i changed my twitter and instagram urls. at first they were private, even ig, but i have uin-privated my mains. so, if you check those, check that out. i updated the links here. i’m sure my stalkers and harassers will be thrilled.

i want to write more. i want to read more. goals for 2020 – or tomorrow?

you can join my discord server, where i spend a lot of my time, automatically if you have discord & have it linked with patreon, and you pledge $1 or more to me/month. this is the link. the url is just zelie, like so many other things.

i love you all. as i vape thc, i wonder about future plans tattooing myself and learning to use a machine and power supply, and shader needles… not something i’d recommend to most… but i am allergic to metal so piercings are difficult (i learned this after piercing my tongue and nipples, oh no!) and besides, my favorite therapist i’ve ever had, who was good at therapy, told me that tattooing myself is an acceptable alternative to cutting myself. so. i win (i always win.)

anyways, mostly i just wanted to update you all! remind me to post more. love u.

xoxo

time is racing toward us

…you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t), i covered i’ll make a man out of you from the original mulan movie:

and since i started with my most recent video, let’s work backwards through any others i’ve published since then:

okay, fair warning, i’ve made a lot of videos since i’ve written a blog post…

so what’s been up with me? well, i had my heart broken, by my ex, who claims he never broke up with me and who i have no recollection of breaking up with, but who is still my ex for some reason. funny how things work like that; like heartbreak. choking you.

i took and scanned and took more photos, but those, or most of those, are for later. i suppose i’ll share some scanned instaxes of me in a britney spears hoodie at the local lake;

more to share later.

for now, i return to my regularly scheduled mental breakdown.

xoxo
zélie

i used to scream, ferociously, any time i wanted

well, i made another video for youtube, so here’s the obligatory sharing of it:

i shared this one much faster than normal! be proud! no, really. i’m doing terribly.

today i medically withdrew from college for the 2nd time and i also texted my therapist for a referral to an online (thanks covid-19?) partial hospitalization course that i kind of, uh, need, to survive. but i am safe. i am doing it. things might be okay.

so i guess this is where avoiding the hospital has left me.

i don’t know! things are just so hard; i swear i’m trying.

i have good news, too. x2. i can’t share the latter, but the first part is that i am going to be in kitty‘s music video for her song afterglow, on her charm & mirror ep. kit has been one of my favs since like, 2011.

there will be a sfw and nsfw version; both coming out on 8/26/20. i am in both.

the sfw one will be available to view for free on kitty’s youtube, and the nsfw one will be available to view for free on her onlyfans page! also free! so check out those links; i’m super excited.

still struggling with pictures. perhaps i should edit some, soon? it might make me feel better.

smoking weed (oui’d) is keeping me sane, ish. it medicates my pain. when the available alternative that’d work is opioids/opiates, you really can’t complain about me being an embarrassing stoner.

the title of this post, is, of course, lyrics from taylor swift’s song seven. in case you needed to be told. oh! here is a picture:

my art wall
and here is me in kitty’s upcoming afterglow video, which i will of course share when it comes out!

that’s all for now.

xoxo

all of them, even the shitty ones

write something, write anything. well, not anything. almost anything.

x

just try to write.

i talk, i can barely write. i can barely talk! i think i’m falling apart.

what does one do when one is falling apart at the seams? seams i created, mostly myself, over the years.

well. the instax and youtube updates. then is any more blogging even possible? we’ll see.

x

apparently not.

x

so, the youtube videos? it has been days since i began writing this post. i may as well include them now.

OKAY I JUST LOOKED AND THERE’S A LOT GET READY…

this one is blocked in some countries…

whew! okay so, as you can tell, i’ve lately been favoring video as a medium over writing blog posts. some poetry comes out, to be hidden away in notebooks that i may or may not one day show the internet. that’s a boundary i’m allowed to set!

i’m going to be in kitty’s afterglow music video (which i will of course post here!), both the sfw and nsfw versions. the sfw version will be out on her youtube and the nsfw version will be out on her onlyfans page! which is totally free to subscribe to. they’re both really cute and full of beautiful female-identifying babes and i can’t wait for you to see them…!

i have so much footage to edit. almost no space. gosh! i got a vpn. is that something you’re supposed to give away online? i’m not sure; oh well. i got it for safety with my swork.

but unfortunately, now i want many other things like cherry branches to decorate my bed with. if you click the link on the side to see more lists and under apartment, sure enough, there are fake beautiful cherry branches with blossoms to display and hang.

i have pictures, but like, mostly later? i don’t want to overwhelm you. maybe i just need to casually (CASUALLY) blog more.

i haven’t posted on zelie.tv much but, well, this is pretty casual too. anyways.

i’ve also been active on twitter, and tiktok, and instagram, i guess. i won’t link all of those as self care – it is 8:28am est and i’m only one coffee deep into my morning routine. i need at least one more before i’m fully awake!

i guess when i can write, i can write, huh? i never was good at being concise. is that okay with blogging? i feel like it’s okay with blogging.

yesterday i saw another sworker with a spotless room with multiple juiced up computers and led strip lighting only, and i was just… i was so jealous of that setup. i think i officially reached nerd status. don’t tell anyone.

well, time to get some coffee, because my morning wake & baking gives me dry mouth.

x

okay, i started the kettle for my french press. i’m too tired to clean a reusable keurig cup, and i don’t have any disposable ones on hand.

tw blood:

dermatillomania

i also pulled out half of the eyelashes on my left eye. the outer ones. they’re slowly, slowly growing in, and i’m using a liquid eyeliner from sephora that doubles as a dark lash glue as it dries, to wear a cut strip of falsies on my “bald spot” every day.

that picture was from before that. here, have one where you can see, if you wish:

before i plucked out one quarter more of my eyelashes on that side

i hate it so much! but ocd does what ocd does. i made a picture about it actually, adapted from an adhd meme i saw on twitter;

i guess a personal blog is supposed to be mostly about yourself, right? and i haven’t been blogging…? i just feel awfully conceited right now. i suppose i am interesting, and have some fine content, at least.

i’ve mentioned my onlyfans, right?

um. what else! not that i really need to flesh this post out any more, it’s plenty long. i just want to give you all the important updates! i have exciting other news i can’t share. reasons to live though!!!

you can’t tell here, but half of my hair is blue right now.

that’s all for now. i’ll post later maybe, eh? subscribe by email if you haven’t already! it’s free! you’ll get updates in your email inbox… idk, sounds good to me. i will post as much as i like and you will be the recipient for as long as you read my blog. thank you for reading my blog, i truly do appreciate it.

xoxo
zélie (thorn)

rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling, down, down, down

more updated youtube (and tiktoks, but you’ll have to find those yourself):

i keep dissociating; bad for finishing dehydrated. i think i have to delay releasing the album of mostly covers i haven’t even mentioned yet. so no august 1st. i’ll update you all soon on that, in case you care.

i’m so tired. i need my morning coffee.

x

perhaps a second morning coffee.

x

perhaps i will release a lo-fi album that i won’t take seriously, and a book of self-published poems, and go to college, and work, and more, but perhaps not. i am twenty seven years old.

this is the obligatory part of the post where i explain that it is my twenty-eighth birthday in nine days, and that my amazon wishlist link can be found here, because i get to post that occasionally, like right before my birthday.

i am bleaching and dyeing my hair soon. probably not today.

my friend Alexis made me as a sim. realistic, no?

i don’t know what to write. it’s not writers’ block, i think, it is a deep tiredness that echoes through my being and attitude towards life.

you can also send me money for my birthday as a donation: paypal.me/zelie

sorry if i seem desperate, it’s because, well, i am.

things are complicated and i keep dissociating.

xoxo
zélie