i was watching a youtube video about brittany murphy with the quote “she knew how to be vulnerable without being the victim, somehow.” here’s the video i’m sure you can find it somewhere in there. it hit me close to home. i realized some things, though i don’t know what yet… they’re half-realized, and i am practically brain damaged according to how i feel.
perhaps i try too hard to numb the shit in order to cope.
drinking red bulls and imbibing other substances, let’s see. who cares. okay.
here are some photos and videos, none of which are extremely recent/relevant, but here some of them are i guess?
and here are the youtube videos:
and there they are. we’ll see until the morning.
ps reminder to take any medications you may be prescribed
you were abusive, emotionally, verbally, physically, more?
i can’t talk about my mom. she might cut me off too, anyways, and i can’t not talk about her not because she’s never hurt me deliberately, but because she might read this. because i struggle to cover the cost of all my cat food and toilet paper every month so she helps me with specifically those items. paper towels. cat litter. that’s it. that’s okay. some people don’t even have that
when i brought up that i was raised in a “family cult” to possibly two parents with npd, one overtly and one covertly, i expressed frustration that it had taken me 28 years and i’d lost important relationships in the process, heartbreakingly important connections i had, due to my not knowing. now i know. now i know enough. but now is too late. my therapist reminded me that some people go their whole lives without any sort of realization like i’d had- they just live their muddled lives. i wanted to cry, because though in a way it is comforting to have figured it out before i had hit 30, at that time especially i was not over the fact that i had hurt a good man who at worst sexually assaulted me while drunker than he should be but never -never- literally penetrated and raped me… i had hurt him emotionally repeatedly and he was ready to move onto another girl, to follow the girl he’d desired after me but hadn’t told me about, while fucking me…i swear, he is a good man, i think. he didn’t deserve my vitriol at least. the girl who he got involved with second after me does deserve that vitriol, looking back at messages that she sent this blog. maddison. the dreaded. the you’re welcome, i know you adore your new facebook url and the permanent story i gave you behind it.
some new youtube (singular), because i mean whatever why not;
then we have the ever-present dilemma. no. not now.
nobody believes me really, except me, which is fine, because i know, and one day i’ll be aware and coherent enough to convey how things are. and you will all eat your words.
the organ synth is so important to me as a musical instrument. music is so important to me.
what else is there? besides art, and cats. certainly not other people. perhaps the self.
so, i stopped identifying as wiccan (due to the racist origins of the word), but i am still a witch. a neo-pagan. i am also glitch vhs back on my bullshit, bitch, biscuit, bitch
i wrote something about scorpios of all things earlier and found that my passion for writing has been reignited, in typing at least. i wish for a typewriter (a pink typewriter) that i can click-clack on the keys of. that i can film myself click-clacking on the keys of. my blue switch mechanical keyboard is simply not enough!
anyways, there are other things to share, like youtube videos i’ve made (as i’ve mentioned, i’m b.o.m.vhs.b.), like i said, only TRULY this time.
gosh. looking back, i even already referenced the title of this post (a former instagram username); my memory is so shit! it’s okay though, c’est la vie.
here are the recent videos i mentioned in passing:
anyways. those are the new videos.
i feel like the katamari damacy king of the universe. destroying all the stars and then especially killing time and distracting and talking too much. distraction/surveying.
i have more, but, hmmm, let’s see. i am so tired of this. all of this, this life stuff. i mean, it’s fine, i’m not going to attempt suicide or anything stupid like that, but fuck, is it hard.
this living thing.
people ask me why i’m depressed. i don’t know what to tell them, except that wellbutrin takes me to a significantly less depressed state (think crying in bed rather than crying on the floor face down with snot in my hair.)
i’ve been enjoying online communities, and i highly recommend them during this isolating pandemic. i mean, it’s okay, but my discord and twitter especially have been bringing me a sense of community. instagram too, i suppose, although i feel that i simultaneously basically hate instagram for being so sex-worker-unfriendly.
listening (telling you like it’s livejournal in 2005) to perfect by mason and princess superstar.
this synth part, so cool! whoo!
lately i have been listening to a few songs on repeat. do you want a mix cd curated for you, by me? or better yet, a cassette.
perfection, ha ha.
yes, the parts in italics are lyrics. yes, i’m brutally obvious. also why yes, i am the cliché child of harley quinn and taylor swift.
i hit my head, somehow, perhaps from fainting from malnutrition? and now it is sore. a bump swells.
the skin on my face itches in the way that a deep need to get to something underneath to scratch an unsatisfiable itch is there. i know from experience that acting on the itching leads to scratching leads to picking leads to blood. blood, red blood, bright then if i don’t clean it with stinging alcohol it’s a brownish color.
the maroon of the vial of blood in my minifridge tells me it partially oxidized, even in a medical vial.
i did not pay for that, lol. it was free blood. i mean, technically.
i told someone i wouldn’t disclose the details though. for secrecy reasons, of course. what else?
hmmmm…. i wish i had cool pictures to show you all. i’m sure i do, but what use are they? do i upload old randoms or recent snaps?
this game is cute and fun and makes me want a controller that works for pcs. unfortunately, those cost money…especially the pink ones! rude.
so there’s (pretty much) proof that i am the chaotic good i claim to be. a turbulent enfp, if you will! if you put weight into such things.
so, i guess, that’s most of it since we last talked.
i have been wearing boots in the snow too much. i have been drinking coffee and smoking weed, like always
what is a paragraph? i’ve never heard of such a thing! ok, jokes aside, i love u all.
i’m back on my vhs glitch bullshit, and here we go again. i made a vlogmas trailer/intro;
but i don’t know if i’m doing vlogmas, even though i’ve been filming.
i guess i should make my glitchy witch bitch 2021 youtube intro soon.
other videos i made since then include but are not limited to:
these were (mostly) so fun to make!
i included SA/rape/domestic abuse helplines in the youtube post for the video where i cover little mix and mention that user9429450 aka my ex casey, who i loved deeply and fucked up around too, but who honestly fucked me up worse after i left another ex for being emotionally abusive and physically threatening/breaking my stuff. he was not what i needed. he sexually assaulted me, which i woke up to, while he was drunk. i’ll include resources below: https://thehotline.org https://ncadv.org in the USA, you can call 1-800-799-7233 crisis text line: text SUPPORT TO 741-741
i’m listening to miley cyrus’ plastic hearts album, and telling you about it for a blog post, livejournal style. but this is not livejournal. this is wordpress. golden g string is a banger; a very good song. i feel like miley cyrus has grown hugely in the past several years.
i have a new boyfriend, and gel nails he paid for (the nail tech was tipped generously and i politely complied when they asked to take my temperature)…everything should be okay. depression and mental illness still has me in its raw-thistle-hands rough-bleeding-wounds-skin choke-hold-kill situation… but i did also switch to a new antidepressant, well, restart an old one; wellbutrin. it has helped me in the past. it works on dopamine, not your serotonin. it does lower your seizure threshold and increase that risk.
i changed my twitter and instagram urls. at first they were private, even ig, but i have uin-privated my mains. so, if you check those, check that out. i updated the links here. i’m sure my stalkers and harassers will be thrilled.
i want to write more. i want to read more. goals for 2020 – or tomorrow?
you can join my discord server, where i spend a lot of my time, automatically if you have discord & have it linked with patreon, and you pledge $1 or more to me/month. this is the link. the url is just zelie, like so many other things.
i love you all. as i vape thc, i wonder about future plans tattooing myself and learning to use a machine and power supply, and shader needles… not something i’d recommend to most… but i am allergic to metal so piercings are difficult (i learned this after piercing my tongue and nipples, oh no!) and besides, my favorite therapist i’ve ever had, who was good at therapy, told me that tattooing myself is an acceptable alternative to cutting myself. so. i win (i always win.)
anyways, mostly i just wanted to update you all! remind me to post more. love u.