a post or a call to follow me and also to take care of your health

listening to lana del rey’s new music like oh, pauli’s music show is tonight, and i can’t go. i know something fun, but i’m sworn to secrecy 😉

lately i feel like the “this is fine” dog. forgive me if i’m repeating myself.

i updated my site – mostly, there’s now a donate/follow page. i considered a subscription option, but… not right now!

you can also follow/subscribe to my posts RIGHT HERE below (i know, i’m amazing, i can work wordpress dot com):

Join 1,670 other followers

i’m tired, but that’s okay. i had therapy today, and woke ridiculously early. buffy was on. i miss watching buffy. it almost made me cry. maybe i did, over klepto dawn suffering and feeling alone. lol, i’m so great at feeling others’ pain if it’s like mine, how selfish of me.

a selfie from recently

i’m honestly just not sure how to cope with my ocd lately! things are hard (but when are they not.)

i’m drinking coffee & making poor decisions and of course rereading flowers for algernon, which makes me CRY. of course i relate far too hard to charlie/charly too.


life is tough! my eating disorder is bad. my med nurse was concerned the other day and now wants to monitor my blood pressure weekly – it was 104 over 60 right before she gave me my abilify maintena injection (talk about your meds! destigmatize them as much as possible!)

url zelie.co is expiring soon, and i’m not bothering to renew, since i love zeliethorn.com so much more. anyways, it used to forward to my patreon, but people like to claim my old urls for some reason, so…who knows! it’s a rollercoaster ride out here with everybody fending for themselves. mixed metaphors? alright.

video chatting on discord with the gorgeous Beth & her cat

lately…lately is a mess! ha haha how about we skip over that one, for the most part.

my suicideaversary from amitriptyline overdose is coming up fast, and i don’t know. i just don’t know! i’m safe; no need to call the authorities or anyone to protect me, but it sure is weird and bad and hard.

i miss things, but they aren’t always right for me. that’s just part of being a cancer sun. nostalgia glows golden in the most beautiful way.

i was editing video and sabrina walked on my pc keyboard

i’m editing the next vlog. promise. aaaah.

i even have other (creative) video ideas, too! i love that my videos are real, but honestly my blog is even more so. i spill my metaphorical viscera on here, and of course while i appreciate any wishlist gifts and one-time financial help i’ve received…in some cases, multiple times…from friends and strangers and in betweens alike, i truly want to emphasize that that is such a nice bonus to allowing my confession compulsion to run free! is anyone else as messy as me? probably. but maybe not.

i started posting instagram photos in black and white, because, like, whatever. i mean not whatever! but i don’t want to go deep into it. it’s a mood; something real and sad and alive but struggling. me.

have you followed me yet? here’s the form again, because i’m obnoxious, and i can do this:

Join 1,670 other followers

anyways, my astrology mentor is texting me, so i will share more soon. i love you all. yes, even the haters. whatever!


PS i recently figured out how to check messages on the contact form – hit me up on there again if you did already and still want to contact me, or just if you want. idk. ok, enjoy!

and all the beautiful people in it

the title is a reference to the beautiful lana del rey song, “god bless america – and all the beautiful women in it” … actually, it’s straight up lyrics.

i’m not tired. i’ve had two coffees. i refuse to be tired!

tw suicide;
my amitriptyline overdose anniversary is coming up. you know, the serious one? the one where i deliberately took more than the 26 years old at the time of his death (i was 26 a year ago) nick drake took and died, and the one where i woke up later in the sicu, intubated, with an iv in my jugular.

i still have this saved on my phone.

i am tired, of hurting, i suppose. i plan to stay alive! i have two beautiful purring daughters, xena and sabrina, my emotional support cats.

xena barely ate after that overdose until i was back. now, for clarity: xena normally has, well, quite an appetite!

i am editing a youtube video for the anniversary of the attempt (9/11/18) but i am not sure if it will be out in time.

i finally cleared every item off my scanner, and scanned some instaxes i had acquired:

as you can see, the photos are in varying quality.

that’s all for now. maybe a post later. MAYBE.


save my wet blood and my coffee-stained tongue

those tights are good, but they’d be better torn up more. your existence is fine, but if you could be a little more self reliant everyone would appreciate it.

i recently announced stuff on instagram, and you can go look if you want, but whatever. i don’t have it in me to talk about it here, too, now.

i moved a lamp and suddenly, the room is inviting. am i that stereotypically a cancer sun? i want a home; not an apartment! it is a nice lamp that i bought from target with my ex boyfriend well over a year ago because i was, and still am, into the color champagne, because a girl i am nostalgic for the friendship i once shared with her, she loves the color champagne now. very differently from her old self, she proudly declares it her favorite, and i appreciate that still, though since i stopped paying attention to her. a feat! for a cancer sun, especially.

the lamp shade is cream-champagne-off white with silver thread through it so it shimmers just enough. the base is oddly shaped and probably acrylic but i like to pretend that it is lucite. it takes a standard american lightbulb.

on the coast, where the air tastes salty, somewhat far from here (too far to taste the salt!) there are photographs to be taken, so i intend to continue living. other places, too.

i wish this wasn’t relatable

i will, though, be brave! impressive, no? if i do it, that is. i intend to commit to the task.

lana del rey croons into my ears and i let her, i make her, even. on repeat. it helps. it soothes. i ordered lana del rey cds recently. i’m sure in a year or so when i get around to editing that footage (!) i will show you the cds in their shiny plastic packaging when they arrive in the mail. i know they’re coming via usps because of course i do; i check tracking numbers obsessively.

sabrina!!! you are not allowed there

that’s all for now. i’ll keep it oddly optimistic (not actual-optimistic, just for me it is) before i ruin it.


let’s be inclusive of livejournal

i made a livejournal (that i barely posted on) while i was taking a hiatus from wordpress (here, if you weren’t aware)

i went outside, to eat pho, during that time. i got and i posted a photo from the vietnamese restaurant:

pho; vietnamese iced coffee; etc

so. let me look to see what else you missed… ok, there was more than i thought. so just go look at it or whatever if you want to. i may even post on it again someday in the future. who knows.

i would love to feel okay.

are you watching my decay?

shameless self promotion

some days, words come easily. other days, not so much.


sorry i’m healing (attempt 2.0)

hi all.

i reverted my most recent post – formerly my only public blog post on here – to a draft. i also imported all of my public blog posts, comments etc over from sugarette.net (now defunct), my mental health blogspot account blog i used to run.

lately i have been filming everything. i plan to upgrade jetpack within this wordpress account when i have the money, because a business plan hosts unlimited video, and i have a personal hatred towards youtube – the company, not as a collective…youtubers can be great! (they can be shitty too.)

i’m going to re-edit videos (whew) and put them here, and edit new ones, and put them here, and film new ones, and edit them, and put them here. fear not! for i will still write blog posts, often alongside videos but probably more frequently than i post videos.

i have photos, too…i’ll share some soon, but not right this minute. maybe even later in this post (probably not)!

…mostly dslr, but some scans, too.

i’m listening to ace reject by sugababes on repeat. kyle, formerly known as kd, although probably originally known as kyle, introduced me to this song. one of my british friends. i miss him, sometimes. i never photographed him but there is a photo of us together:

ky and myself at the boston tea party, a restaurant in my hometown of bristol, england

we both look very different now. i think i am 13 in that picture? yeah, i was 13 there. kyle is probably 17. also, a rare photo where i am not wearing makeup on my eyebrows!

sabrina & xena are…getting along. they are. it’s not perfect, and i need to make some changes (a new litter mat for the second litter tray, a very small harness for sabrina to take her on walks to get rid of her excess energy, etc). they are also both very, very cute and sweet and loving and i love them so much.

i have footage of them, too. it’s cute. i wish i was better at editing. well, i don’t. i am in fact working hard to improve my editing skills. i wish i had a better, newer computer, and that i had more motivation to edit, truly.

i can feel my pulse racing in my calf and it’s bizarre.

remember when? that is, like, all jane mai merch, by the way.

i cut my hair. I KNOW. I CUT MY HAIR. my beloved hair, which i am growing. but it was cute yet incredibly unhealthy at the ends:

so i chopped off the worst damage, then evened it out. with my mom’s help. shout out to my mom for especially evening out the back.

i still feel cute.

i have so many more updates! but that’s all for now. love u all.