all of them, even the shitty ones

write something, write anything. well, not anything. almost anything.

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just try to write.

i talk, i can barely write. i can barely talk! i think i’m falling apart.

what does one do when one is falling apart at the seams? seams i created, mostly myself, over the years.

well. the instax and youtube updates. then is any more blogging even possible? we’ll see.

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apparently not.

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so, the youtube videos? it has been days since i began writing this post. i may as well include them now.

OKAY I JUST LOOKED AND THERE’S A LOT GET READY…

this one is blocked in some countries…

whew! okay so, as you can tell, i’ve lately been favoring video as a medium over writing blog posts. some poetry comes out, to be hidden away in notebooks that i may or may not one day show the internet. that’s a boundary i’m allowed to set!

i’m going to be in kitty’s afterglow music video (which i will of course post here!), both the sfw and nsfw versions. the sfw version will be out on her youtube and the nsfw version will be out on her onlyfans page! which is totally free to subscribe to. they’re both really cute and full of beautiful female-identifying babes and i can’t wait for you to see them…!

i have so much footage to edit. almost no space. gosh! i got a vpn. is that something you’re supposed to give away online? i’m not sure; oh well. i got it for safety with my swork.

but unfortunately, now i want many other things like cherry branches to decorate my bed with. if you click the link on the side to see more lists and under apartment, sure enough, there are fake beautiful cherry branches with blossoms to display and hang.

i have pictures, but like, mostly later? i don’t want to overwhelm you. maybe i just need to casually (CASUALLY) blog more.

i haven’t posted on zelie.tv much but, well, this is pretty casual too. anyways.

i’ve also been active on twitter, and tiktok, and instagram, i guess. i won’t link all of those as self care – it is 8:28am est and i’m only one coffee deep into my morning routine. i need at least one more before i’m fully awake!

i guess when i can write, i can write, huh? i never was good at being concise. is that okay with blogging? i feel like it’s okay with blogging.

yesterday i saw another sworker with a spotless room with multiple juiced up computers and led strip lighting only, and i was just… i was so jealous of that setup. i think i officially reached nerd status. don’t tell anyone.

well, time to get some coffee, because my morning wake & baking gives me dry mouth.

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okay, i started the kettle for my french press. i’m too tired to clean a reusable keurig cup, and i don’t have any disposable ones on hand.

tw blood:

dermatillomania

i also pulled out half of the eyelashes on my left eye. the outer ones. they’re slowly, slowly growing in, and i’m using a liquid eyeliner from sephora that doubles as a dark lash glue as it dries, to wear a cut strip of falsies on my “bald spot” every day.

that picture was from before that. here, have one where you can see, if you wish:

before i plucked out one quarter more of my eyelashes on that side

i hate it so much! but ocd does what ocd does. i made a picture about it actually, adapted from an adhd meme i saw on twitter;

i guess a personal blog is supposed to be mostly about yourself, right? and i haven’t been blogging…? i just feel awfully conceited right now. i suppose i am interesting, and have some fine content, at least.

i’ve mentioned my onlyfans, right?

um. what else! not that i really need to flesh this post out any more, it’s plenty long. i just want to give you all the important updates! i have exciting other news i can’t share. reasons to live though!!!

you can’t tell here, but half of my hair is blue right now.

that’s all for now. i’ll post later maybe, eh? subscribe by email if you haven’t already! it’s free! you’ll get updates in your email inbox… idk, sounds good to me. i will post as much as i like and you will be the recipient for as long as you read my blog. thank you for reading my blog, i truly do appreciate it.

xoxo
zélie (thorn)

trying, failing, trying again.

my gums are bleeding.

things are hard, but i am strong. so i keep going. lost some video footage? keep going. lost 8tb of video footage? KEEP GOING.

i have updated my patreon, finally.

for $1/month or however much you can afford, you can access my patreon posts and discord server…the only other way to get access currently is to be manually added. i am working on it! and learning bots!

difficult, but more tedious than hard to do.

follow me on tiktok, too, if you have an account…

i don’t like to add too many elements to a blog post these days other than words; i feel like it distracts from my main points. do i have main points? perhaps.

i have also been on youtube, as per usual:

hmm. all vocal covers.

i am honestly dealing with so many stressors that i cannot discuss for now – more updates soon, hopefully.

xoxo
z

a short update today

i wrote another poem. this one is in video form – i spoke it aloud to my microphone and i set footage i’d shot to my voice speaking about death, rot, suicide, decay, life.

tw suicide, but here it is:

i might actually be proud of this one.

xxoo
zélie thorn

sorry i cannot keep up

i’m running; running as fast as i’m able, which admittedly is not that fast, but i do have asthma. which scenario is this? the one where i exercise and run short on breath, leading to an asthma attack? or the one where i try to exist and life beats me with its weapons. do you not think of living as a beast that carries many instruments of torture? how lovely that must be, wonderful, even.

i fit all the 2019 diagnostic criteria for hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome, so i told a counselor of mine i need her to transport me to and from and book a primary care doctor appointment, so that they can refer me to some specialist. a rheumatologist? who knows! whatever they decide is best, i suppose. i have so many symptoms; the arthritis, dislocating knees, hypermobile joints, velvety soft skin, arachnodactyly, acid reflux, gi hernias…. and the list goes on.

i used to do ballet. starting when i was three. i also briefly took gymnastics and trampolining lessons. then, acting was my thing, from age 6 onwards, for many years. i took a ballet class again at 14 but it didn’t stick – and at 15 my dad swept the rug from under our feet financially, taking me from middle-class-privileged, something i’d had just enough time to grow accustomed to, to wicked poor, and suddenly i had to quit ballet and my brother had to quit fencing because my dad took the money from the sale of the house in england. the one my mom was on her knees cementing steps for and scaring me by standing on banisters so she could paint far walls and ceilings. she was physically healthier then. she pushed through. my dad taking that money was the last thing, i think, for her, mentally. she was worried after that that she’d lose custody of my brother and i while we were minors after that, she functioned so poorly. i’ve watched her investment of a house fall into disrepair she can’t afford to fix and therefore hasn’t, asbestos and all, leaking pipes and still no heat or plumbing to my room so i can’t visit in the winter, etc. this isn’t a novel about how my dad ruined my life and the lives of others, though. i can save those stories.

so, heds, and suddenly it makes sense – the severe chronic gi issues? i get it, kind of. i mean, if i have a connective tissue disorder of the degenerative nature. perhaps. my illness is severe but not aggressive and fast-paced. for that i am grateful.

oh! and to feel relief. let’s not go there. what healthy person would need to relate; would read my blog?

so, what else. hm.

i dyed my hair extensions. miraculously, i continue to lose weight on my anorexia diagnosis, despite my eating more, to my horror. do as i say, not as i do, and i say eat what your body needs. by no means am i pro anything related to eating disorders in a way that feeds them…because while you aren’t eating, they get to eat away at you.

my hair extensions remain a toned blonde, with blue (diluted sfx fishbowl) and pink (straight out of the bottle manic panic amplified cotton candy pink). cute! i’ll insert an image.

this one has filters and effects, of course.

i must confess: i’ve been watching less and less healthy youtube. also i’ve been uploading videos that may get me sued on my youtube channel, and podcast episodes.

guess what. there’s more! um, i have merch? idk. no sales in the less than 24 hours the store has been open; lol.

it’s podcast/vlog/whatever merch. i’ll put zines on bigcartel one day.

most importantly, i’ve finally realized my dream of putting my face on a mug a la clementine kruczynski in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. use code faceonamug to save 10%, or… whatever.

here are some fun things:

yeah. cool.

lov u all

xoxo
zélie

trying

“i’m trying
“you’re very trying”

sabrina

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truth be told, i’ve taken days to write this – it’s been sitting open in a tab, even as my toned hair soaked up light purple (or lilac, or lavender) hair dye. girls night by arctic fox.

i swear, i am trying.

new hair color

so, the major updates, or oobs, if you will:

  • my hair is purple as aforementioned and seen above
  • i owe more in debt than ever, especially thanks to my canon g7x mark ii which i purchased with credit but do not regret
  • um, i am doing a no-buy year to change my psychology (more details will be on my youtube soon)
  • my mom threatened very seriously to cut me out of her life financially but then changed her mind. (i would not have enough to pay my BILLS lol)
  • i have a boyfriend who i want to fairly impulsively marry but idk if that’s happening ever lol
  • up 1mg klonopin dosage. destigmatizing the medications.
  • going outside = panic
  • why did the mailman have to give me his number? it made me afraid of my favorite part of the day
  • i vlog more than i can edit
  • i upload less than i edit
  • i don’t need to say everything, not yet
big hair, bigger mood swings

that’ll be all for now

xoxo