sucker clown

the joke is on you; the joker’s on you? he’s a canonical rapist, so maybe. maybe i look just enough like harley quinn that i’ll suffer through another rape or several in my lifetime. i think about that, statistically. i think about anorexia mortality statistics, and bpd mortality ones.

the joke is definitely on me. i am a harlequin, and i am but a statistic, yet i sit here, recently diagnosed at the gi specialist with anorexia nervosa.

when i was young, my cousin oa was anorexic. i love her very much to this day. it didn’t scare me then because i didn’t realize how sick she was or how miserable she was or the hell she was putting her fragile body through. i now know these things. i kind of wish i didn’t.

oh, to think about rape! what hate fills my mind; what anger i start to know; what bitterness is forced upon me like a net around a fish being caught! too much trauma – i become the bitter borderline bitch (bbb)… i get flashbacks, but not nearly like i get ptsd from my suicide attempts. or intrusive thoughts of suicide related to attempts i’ve made and attempts i haven’t made (yet? hopefully never i make them?) that is definitely, most definitely related to my ocd. i have obsessive thoughts about suicide & death, i know this now.

funny how the passage of time changes things so. you realize this more and more as you get older. hopefully it stops at 27 or 28, because i can’t take too much more.

listening to charli xcx, again to mention it as if i were on livejournal. again. still my theme does not reflect this, or my last.fm, not that that would be a thing! it of course is not even scrobbling my plays – do i know this? – no, i assume this. – okay, i’ll check. – – – yes, i was right, at least the ones i am mostly playing, on my amazon music player. i signed up for a 90 day trial, and now i am listening to charli xcx sing “i got my friends by my side and that’s all that matters to me” […] “aWOOO”

those capital letters were a typo, but i cannot do anything but love them and keep them there, in what feels like their rightful place within this blog post.

my harley quinn bleach bleach bleached blonde bleachy baby hair is of course, bleached, though not recently. soon i will tone my extensions! for now, here is a deceitfully lit and filtered picture that appears to show my extensions matching my hair, though they are far more yellow:

i’m known to be quite vexing

lol.

okay, that’s plenty for now. i’m filming everything anyways. are you following me on youtube yet?

youtube dot neoncherry dot pink

that above url goes to my youtube page! so. there. enjoy?

xoxo

PS i’m having an involuntary clown moment. leave me alone re: this!!! and that.