so. hello. technically this is my first post here; though it won’t appear that way shortly, when i import my blog archives from faithful sugarette dot net which i’ve run for years, which will link to here until it expires, and then i won’t renew it. (i will be archiving certain posts from that site – this one may not be adult only, like that was. it has pros and cons.)
i won’t be renewing much. i have a focus on healing.
the piece of flawed but beautiful carnelian on my table supports this idea, as i hold the cool stone and feel my mind work on developing more ways to be mindful, in the moment, to cope, to stay present – an act of compassion, to quote a paid secret quote i therefore can’t credit… but it is. oh, it is. oh, and compassion fatigue is so real!
i can’t wait to truly be in my fresh start.
so here i am, writing on a pink background (new!) and reminding you all that i spend most of my time on my discord, accessible multiple ways but mainly through pledging to my patreon each month, but also even more so now that i deleted (no, not deactivated) my facebook account.
a friend already asked if i’d blocked them! i hope my friends read this blog. look at this site. my space i’m carving out for myself in the internet, my warm and cozy pink home that certain toxins aren’t allowed into.
maybe they’ll come anyways. the things are sticky, sticky little stalkers. there are more than i thought! they vary in toxicity. i refer, of course, to actual people stalking me. ugh!
i am editing a video, so perhaps soon that will happen.
i feel compelled to tell you all that NAMI published my writing in a newsletter, or that my photography has been published in a book twice, or that i’m in kitty’s afterglow music video, and more, but despite my confessional honesty i hold off.
soon i will tell a story i have needed to tell for a while. but for now, i rest.
i am somewhat proud of this site’s url, at least, in that it keeps me happy and is easy to remember. my signature color, only a few words…surely it can be done.
…and i feel that i should break up my mass of text with some picture, or video, but i think no such video exists so a picture it must be, a new one, but then the pressure is mounting and we all know that my mental abilities are not what they used to be. in this circumstance i panic and break down. today, i had to make phone calls, so i couldn’t.
and, oh, there is the proof that i have deleted my account for good. we will see if i hold out 30 days… i feel very cut off, but i suspect that i shall.
it is like lancing a boil, to quote a friend. painful and necessary.
here is a picture of me recently after dyeing my hair, strands still slightly damp.
i am wearing my britney spears hoodie, which, like most of my items of clothing that i possess, is covered in coffee stains. oh well! maybe it just means i live a richer, fuller life; or maybe it means i am afraid of going into my laundry room alone.
and it’s not like it doesn’t come with memories of fucking my ex on top of the dryer, too.
so i added purple to my hair, and i think i’ll do the rest pinker, though it is already. pinker, that is. i coated the ends with a pale pink dye. i think i will go slightly more dramatic when i dye over it. i will then continue to shampoo my hair with expensive kerastase shampoo, and do semi-frequent olaplex 3 treatments, that i once made entertainment…tv…videos…whatever out of.
i sit here, not sure how to deal with the pressure headache and mounting medical physical and psychological symptoms that exist within my being. but, oh, i don’t know! anything! that isn’t true, but i went back to school after medically withdrawing twice, and within a few weeks had to email my advisor again saying that i struggle so with my disabilities that i am not ready for school. she’s kind, but i still feel shame. and yes, i am 28.
what are you? does it matter; you, the reader. lurking about to read about my life! well, you’re welcome for the entertainment or whatever pleasure you gain from my candid honesty.
i am overwhelmed.
write something, write anything. well, not anything. almost anything.
just try to write.
i talk, i can barely write. i can barely talk! i think i’m falling apart.
what does one do when one is falling apart at the seams? seams i created, mostly myself, over the years.
well. the instax and youtube updates. then is any more blogging even possible? we’ll see.
so, the youtube videos? it has been days since i began writing this post. i may as well include them now.
OKAY I JUST LOOKED AND THERE’S A LOT GET READY…
whew! okay so, as you can tell, i’ve lately been favoring video as a medium over writing blog posts. some poetry comes out, to be hidden away in notebooks that i may or may not one day show the internet. that’s a boundary i’m allowed to set!
i’m going to be in kitty’s afterglow music video (which i will of course post here!), both the sfw and nsfw versions. the sfw version will be out on her youtube and the nsfw version will be out on her onlyfans page! which is totally free to subscribe to. they’re both really cute and full of beautiful female-identifying babes and i can’t wait for you to see them…!
i have so much footage to edit. almost no space. gosh! i got a vpn. is that something you’re supposed to give away online? i’m not sure; oh well. i got it for safety with my swork.
but unfortunately, now i want many other things like cherry branches to decorate my bed with. if you click the link on the side to see more lists and under apartment, sure enough, there are fake beautiful cherry branches with blossoms to display and hang.
i have pictures, but like, mostly later? i don’t want to overwhelm you. maybe i just need to casually (CASUALLY) blog more.
i haven’t posted on zelie.tv much but, well, this is pretty casual too. anyways.
i’ve also been active on twitter, and tiktok, and instagram, i guess. i won’t link all of those as self care – it is 8:28am est and i’m only one coffee deep into my morning routine. i need at least one more before i’m fully awake!
i guess when i can write, i can write, huh? i never was good at being concise. is that okay with blogging? i feel like it’s okay with blogging.
yesterday i saw another sworker with a spotless room with multiple juiced up computers and led strip lighting only, and i was just… i was so jealous of that setup. i think i officially reached nerd status. don’t tell anyone.
well, time to get some coffee, because my morning wake & baking gives me dry mouth.
okay, i started the kettle for my french press. i’m too tired to clean a reusable keurig cup, and i don’t have any disposable ones on hand.
i also pulled out half of the eyelashes on my left eye. the outer ones. they’re slowly, slowly growing in, and i’m using a liquid eyeliner from sephora that doubles as a dark lash glue as it dries, to wear a cut strip of falsies on my “bald spot” every day.
that picture was from before that. here, have one where you can see, if you wish:
i hate it so much! but ocd does what ocd does. i made a picture about it actually, adapted from an adhd meme i saw on twitter;
i guess a personal blog is supposed to be mostly about yourself, right? and i haven’t been blogging…? i just feel awfully conceited right now. i suppose i am interesting, and have some fine content, at least.
um. what else! not that i really need to flesh this post out any more, it’s plenty long. i just want to give you all the important updates! i have exciting other news i can’t share. reasons to live though!!!
that’s all for now. i’ll post later maybe, eh? subscribe by email if you haven’t already! it’s free! you’ll get updates in your email inbox… idk, sounds good to me. i will post as much as i like and you will be the recipient for as long as you read my blog. thank you for reading my blog, i truly do appreciate it.
Several months ago my dslr (fancy digital camera) stopped working in ways I need it to. It was very sad, very bad timing, and left me without a coping technique I rely heavily on – photography – for months. I have had a lot of other intense things going on, too, for a while now. It has made it very hard to update. I feel like I am trying to pick up pieces of my life from the floor amongst other junk and with my impaired cognitive functioning. It’s so difficult. This is because of not having that creative outlet, and other things, mostly other things.
However, one huge problem has been solved! With the help of several generous financial contributions and my own terrible money saving skills, I have bought a new dslr! It is beautiful and came with 0 shutter count and I’m almost even happy about something for once…!
That’s all for today. Hopefully I can update you all some more soon