olaplex and chill update and the italian comics i remember from my youth

the title is referencing olaplex and chill orders of business, which i’ll get into soon, such as this video:

the title is also referencing some comic books i bought (or, my mom bought, technically, since i was 13) on my second trip to italy. i haven’t flown in years, but it used to be a regular thing for me.

sabrina is being cute. what’s new.

i couldn’t read the comics – i don’t speak fluent italian – but i was very into manga at the time, in fact that was perhaps my peak year of being Interested In Manga, so i loved it and read it and looked at the pictures in it. i was reminded of this by this video on youtube.

i also am so tired, but when am i not. i try not to nap so much! i swear i try!

i got a small amount of money, and placed a sugarpill order, with afterpay. old habits die hard. anyways it will be paid off within a month and a half. i bought the “fun size” palette, finally, and lumi, and ghosted, and trinket, and more! the little twin stars liquid lipstick set was on sale for $6. six dollars.

okay, so i have more shopping issues arriving to unbox. that’s okay, for now. i just have to face the consequences later like any decent person. i also have been fastidiously recording myself opening every package, even the ones i didn’t purchase, for months now, but the footage is mostly unedited…

1/366

so, yes, also, if you read the tiny photo caption, you know that i am doing 365days again. that was day one. i guess i’ll post them here – where else, since i deleted my flickr?

day two has more photos. i couldn’t choose. day one is a diptych but day two is a damned arrangement.

many of those technically are not eligible to be 365days photos, because they do not feature me at all and are not a self portrait. also, some are good, but some… are bad.

day 3:

day 4:

day 5 has been shot but i haven’t imported/edited/can’t upload it. yet.

so i’m trying. a year (a leap year!) of not being hospitalized. i’ll try my best. i hate the hospital anyways. they are not at all trauma-informed, which is ironic given what the environment is. of course, i refer to psychological trauma. yes, even the psych wards. yes, i would know.

i have goals! finally! i mean, i replaced my desire to die around 30 a la Sylvia Plath with a desire to [redacted] a [redacted] by that time. more later? perhaps! hopefully! definitely! oh well – i’ll hold myself accountable. i want to self-publish a poetry book. my mom referred to that as “vanity publishing” but things are different these days with ebooks on amazon and whatnot. i also want physical copies; print on demand. i know that means i’ll take a smaller %. i am broke and it is worth it to me to have a physical product. it is not about the money for me.

would i say no to success? absolutely not, but i also never (ever) expect it.

i will need a poetry editor, and an illustrator, at least. but? that comes later.

perhaps first i’ll self-pub a zine. perhaps not. who knows! the world is full of possibilities! it’s terrifying!

i’m trying, trying; i’ve been trying.
i miss the smith botanical gardens. i must go back. i must vlog it! lol.

anyways.

i guess that’s plenty for the day. even though it’s 4:12am. no promises on my next post (later/eventually/too long from now) because i post: whenever i feel like. a new rule! probably often. oops.

xoxo

i’m deeply unhappy

hello!

I took the photos below as a tribute to Xelia, who, along with several other amazing women, helped inspire me to get into photography. Boy, am I glad I did that! Thank you, flickrites, for showing me the light back in the day. I wanted to show these photos off because I like how they turned out, overedited and all, and also I look really cute, I think. Not to mention my fries bralette is the cutest ever.

I also am hearing my eating disorder constantly tell me that I should have photoshopped myself to look thinner, because look! Look how fat I am! I know logically I am not fat but my ED wants me to believe that I am. I am ignoring my ED. I am posting these self portraits. I am attempting to recover?

I also revamped my blog layout a little bit. Let me know what you think of the new graphics! I plan to make even more changes and even the stuff I’ve already done can be changed again so let me know what you think is working – and especially what isn’t. Please and thank you!

(yes, that is a wig.)

It’s very, very difficult to write about mental illness or even coping right now. I feel like I am getting by, but barely, and certainly not functioning well enough to advise others on, well, anything really. My depression is at a low point. I’m aware I’m usually doing badly, and that I might sound like a whiny crybaby, but guess what!? I am a whiny crybaby and depression sucks and I want to feel happy again.

I got carried away ordering too many free samples that were linked on those FREE STUFF 4 U 2 FIND ONLINE websites (which are great, btw, I make fun of them because I love them) and now I have so, so much mail coming that is just, like, packets of sweetener and little sachets of skin cleansing oils. I’ve already got a few of the things in my mailbox. It’s nice, I guess. I really hate walking to my mailbox (which is unreasonably far from my apartment) only to discover that I walked there and have to walk back for no mail whatsoever. I’d rather get bills than nothing, to be honest. Snail mail is great. Let me know if you want to be my penpal, I guess. I reserve the right to say no to you if you seem creepy or whatever.

I’ve been photographing cosmetics a lot lately.

Well, that’s all for today! I want to blog more often, so maybe that will happen (?).

xxoo,
Zelie