i used to scream, ferociously, any time i wanted

well, i made another video for youtube, so here’s the obligatory sharing of it:

i shared this one much faster than normal! be proud! no, really. i’m doing terribly.

today i medically withdrew from college for the 2nd time and i also texted my therapist for a referral to an online (thanks covid-19?) partial hospitalization course that i kind of, uh, need, to survive. but i am safe. i am doing it. things might be okay.

so i guess this is where avoiding the hospital has left me.

i don’t know! things are just so hard; i swear i’m trying.

i have good news, too. x2. i can’t share the latter, but the first part is that i am going to be in kitty‘s music video for her song afterglow, on her charm & mirror ep. kit has been one of my favs since like, 2011.

there will be a sfw and nsfw version; both coming out on 8/26/20. i am in both.

the sfw one will be available to view for free on kitty’s youtube, and the nsfw one will be available to view for free on her onlyfans page! also free! so check out those links; i’m super excited.

still struggling with pictures. perhaps i should edit some, soon? it might make me feel better.

smoking weed (oui’d) is keeping me sane, ish. it medicates my pain. when the available alternative that’d work is opioids/opiates, you really can’t complain about me being an embarrassing stoner.

the title of this post, is, of course, lyrics from taylor swift’s song seven. in case you needed to be told. oh! here is a picture:

my art wall
and here is me in kitty’s upcoming afterglow video, which i will of course share when it comes out!

that’s all for now.

xoxo

oh no it’s march almost april

and no blog posts yet??? this means worsening depression! who can blame me; i am self-quarantining. well. the answer is always someone but a n y w a y s it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

things are changing, and it may matter. it’s hard (hard!) for me to know, to convey, to truly & fully understand, and to trust, oh gosh to trust my own brain… but the thing is, i will update my site to reflect any personal updates asap. i will also update you all when i am done with that! maybe not here. maybe on twitter. but who cares. who cares! oh you do? i am genuinely so sorry but i am oh so sick in a non-covid-19 way (as far as i know) so let’s just keep going okay.

i’m not manic i swear. i have my reasons to act whatever way i might at any given moment.

right now, and this is unrelated, my facebook friend wants scorpions for their animal crossing switch town. i highly respect that, despite not owning a switch or a switch lite (coughiwouldlikeonethocough)… also isolation is something i am used to, but it still hurts when increased, and of course, quarantine hits different when you live alone on your lease.

i have more videos? if i recall correctly? i will insert them below; you may peruse as you like.

that is so many! who knew i was capable of such output!!!

i guess that’d be an adequate blog post, for a day, if i were done talking. so i can stop at any point really; what freedom!

so let’s not sugarcoat it – we are in a pandemic, my president is an idiotic racist idiot (yes, saying idiot twice was in fact necessary)… it’s sunday, so there’s no mail, but that’s okay, because i’m trying to stay indoors, i GUESS. also my cats are fine, so there, you have the most important updates!

well.

there’s more.

i’m out of coffee, right now (this is bad). can you think past the moment – not under normal circumstances, but right now? i certainly can’t. maybe it’s the 3mg of klonopin i put in my body every day, or one or several of my many overdoses, but i can’t quite use my brain right any more. i even consider [redacted], for lucidity! well!!!

anyways,

coffee is wonderful, even with all its anxieties and tachycardia risks. it is a beautiful thing. i do love to caffeinate. but i, sir, madam, or super computer (that was a kero kero bonito reference idk), am an addict, tied by invisible but strong twine to the sweet, sweet, but more realistically bitter, bitter caffeine molecule. i knew a girl named laura once, i suppose we are still friends. we bonded so well for a short time! life is like that sometimes. she wore a caffeine molecule necklace (to be fair; this was early 2013, and in 2009 i wore a plastic moustachio necklace from hot topic every damn day, so,). she asked me to unfasten it; it had been stuck for weeks, she said. i tried. i failed. her skin was warm, not cold with circulation problems and soft elasticity like mine. not that she has rough skin – just, you know, average healthy skin.

i don’t have an ehlers-danlos diagnosis and am certainly not getting a professional one from a new rheumatologist in the middle of a pandemic’s beginnings at its almost-epicenter country in any timely manner! but that’s okay (because it has to be, of course!)

i do, in fact, meet the diagnostic criteria, through known means that includes a self-administered beighton test.

lately the self harm urges are back. trigger warning: self harm, but my box cutter looks awfully appealing sometimes lately, and i also enjoy entertaining the thought of continuing my watch-thru of 13 reasons why, to self-trigger, a show that i self-triggered with the night that i overdosed on amitriptyline early the next am (i attribute my actions largely to that show)…

there’s more, so much more, but we have time, so much time, don’t we?

xoxo

trying

“i’m trying
“you’re very trying”

sabrina

x

truth be told, i’ve taken days to write this – it’s been sitting open in a tab, even as my toned hair soaked up light purple (or lilac, or lavender) hair dye. girls night by arctic fox.

i swear, i am trying.

new hair color

so, the major updates, or oobs, if you will:

  • my hair is purple as aforementioned and seen above
  • i owe more in debt than ever, especially thanks to my canon g7x mark ii which i purchased with credit but do not regret
  • um, i am doing a no-buy year to change my psychology (more details will be on my youtube soon)
  • my mom threatened very seriously to cut me out of her life financially but then changed her mind. (i would not have enough to pay my BILLS lol)
  • i have a boyfriend who i want to fairly impulsively marry but idk if that’s happening ever lol
  • up 1mg klonopin dosage. destigmatizing the medications.
  • going outside = panic
  • why did the mailman have to give me his number? it made me afraid of my favorite part of the day
  • i vlog more than i can edit
  • i upload less than i edit
  • i don’t need to say everything, not yet
big hair, bigger mood swings

that’ll be all for now

xoxo