and i write write write, and i write write write

okay. let us deal with the probable elephant in the room; yes i am misquoting the kitty cat dance dance dance song (that’s definitely, uh, its official name.) i once had a shirt that was based on that video, aptly purchased at hot topic circa 2008 or 2009

i would post the picture right now, but it will take some time. i suppose i will hunt for it anyways. still, my flickr is deleted. my photo folders are unorganized. digging i go!

that took less time than i thought. perhaps 10 minutes. though the shirt is hard to see…

so now i sit and sip hot (warm) coffee, with milk, because [redacted] was so kind as to buy me some more during this pandemic and drop it off at my apartment, with a mask on, of course.

i’ve been struggling, with a lot of things, of course, one of them being the feeling of being unproductive, though i am depressed and chronically invisibly mentally & physically ill and my creative output is still rather immense, considering all of that.

see, i know this logically, but emotionally, it doesn’t stick. things are always that way in my head. bpd symptom number whatever.

so here are some more photos, old ones, to start (sort of) at the beginning (my beginnings with a basic point-and-shoot camera, anyways), because i have no clue where else i’d start… well, i do, but… unimportant!

in 2008, i believe, possibly late 2008, i deleted my year’s worth of flickr content and “started fresh.” those two photos were two of the first i ever uploaded, following that.

the eiffel tower & myself

other old pictures are harder to find – this is old, sure, but not the first photo i uploaded during my golden era of flickr dot com, which was titled “godiva had more hair than me” and captioned, ‘cut it all off.”

there are recent images, too.

eye makeup. quarantine haircut. arctic fox hair dye in frose.

i must admit, i overlined my lips with a charlotte tilbury lipliner there. (pillow talk, of course!)

yes! i have animal crossing new horizons! have i written about it on here yet? i can’t recall and i don’t have the spoons to check! with that said, i must thank beth for buying me the game and also a coral pink switch lite which i love dearly.

well, that’s all for today. i’m considering substack, but i think i’d have to be dramatic and upheave things by deleting my facebook or something. we’ll see.


i’m deeply unhappy


I took the photos below as a tribute to Xelia, who, along with several other amazing women, helped inspire me to get into photography. Boy, am I glad I did that! Thank you, flickrites, for showing me the light back in the day. I wanted to show these photos off because I like how they turned out, overedited and all, and also I look really cute, I think. Not to mention my fries bralette is the cutest ever.

I also am hearing my eating disorder constantly tell me that I should have photoshopped myself to look thinner, because look! Look how fat I am! I know logically I am not fat but my ED wants me to believe that I am. I am ignoring my ED. I am posting these self portraits. I am attempting to recover?

I also revamped my blog layout a little bit. Let me know what you think of the new graphics! I plan to make even more changes and even the stuff I’ve already done can be changed again so let me know what you think is working – and especially what isn’t. Please and thank you!

(yes, that is a wig.)

It’s very, very difficult to write about mental illness or even coping right now. I feel like I am getting by, but barely, and certainly not functioning well enough to advise others on, well, anything really. My depression is at a low point. I’m aware I’m usually doing badly, and that I might sound like a whiny crybaby, but guess what!? I am a whiny crybaby and depression sucks and I want to feel happy again.

I got carried away ordering too many free samples that were linked on those FREE STUFF 4 U 2 FIND ONLINE websites (which are great, btw, I make fun of them because I love them) and now I have so, so much mail coming that is just, like, packets of sweetener and little sachets of skin cleansing oils. I’ve already got a few of the things in my mailbox. It’s nice, I guess. I really hate walking to my mailbox (which is unreasonably far from my apartment) only to discover that I walked there and have to walk back for no mail whatsoever. I’d rather get bills than nothing, to be honest. Snail mail is great. Let me know if you want to be my penpal, I guess. I reserve the right to say no to you if you seem creepy or whatever.

I’ve been photographing cosmetics a lot lately.

Well, that’s all for today! I want to blog more often, so maybe that will happen (?).


some pictures for you people to look at

I’ve been avoiding posting. How silly is that? I’ve attached anxiety to weird things, and made life worse for myself that way before, but I refuse to let myself develop anxiety around blogging. It has been helpful and an outlet in the past, and I have all too few things like that, so I’m posting. I’m posting because the more I do a thing I get anxious about, the less anxious I tend to get about it over time. It’s painful and sucky, and I hate that life works that way (for me at least), but it totally does. So here I am, blogging.

I have a LOT of photos to share – it’s part of why I’m anxious. It’s kind of overwhelming, and what if my DSL internet (I always joke about how slow it is with my friends) goes down for a bit and uploading all those photos at once fails? I have a ridiculously obvious solution – the fact that it took me this long to seriously consider it probably says something about my reduced brain function due to malnutrition – I’m gonna upload the photos in multiple posts, so I can do them in batches.

I’m gonna post a bunch of the photos here in this post, too! First of all, here is one single photo from October 2011, because I found an old little memory card with a bunch of photos on it. Some of them are dreamy, but I literally have only edited one and really looked at a few of the photos so far, so here’s the one I edited already – maybe I will share more in another post another time.

Yep, I have my fall of 2011 undercut and everything. I also don’t have my early 2012 solar system arm tattoo yet! Exciting things are in picture Zelie’s near future.

I also have a lot of more recent photos to share from much more recently.

Well, there you go! I might’ve captioned some of them another day, but today I think that’s all you get. I’ve napped, like, all day and I’m still tired.


P.S.: I am having problems publishing this post and I am not happy about this. I want to go back to drinking too much coffee and worrying about my hair.

P.P.S.: OK, I think I solved the problem. Hopefully this will post now! Ignore my rambling, basically.