i was watching a youtube video about brittany murphy with the quote “she knew how to be vulnerable without being the victim, somehow.” here’s the video i’m sure you can find it somewhere in there. it hit me close to home. i realized some things, though i don’t know what yet… they’re half-realized, and i am practically brain damaged according to how i feel.
perhaps i try too hard to numb the shit in order to cope.
drinking red bulls and imbibing other substances, let’s see. who cares. okay.
here are some photos and videos, none of which are extremely recent/relevant, but here some of them are i guess?
and here are the youtube videos:
and there they are. we’ll see until the morning.
ps reminder to take any medications you may be prescribed
and other things (oops? not that i’m on a no-buy currently)
of course, that image is old. the hair! my hair is much lighter and longer now. i suppose i should show you all soon. i’m just so tired, but maybe pictures…? soon?
not that you can see my hair, but these harley quinn cosplay pics are recent:
of course, i am cosplaying her in a scene from suicide squad, namely this one:
so, the crystals are arriving today, and perhaps i will vlog them!
but who knows. who cares? who knows.
i am blogging and blogging and going and going and things are ok, i guess, but also bad, because always (the when are they not? etc) i don’t eat enough, and i’m worried about me, but like, it’s fine.
it’s fine. i’m fine.
truly the words of someone desperate to be perceived as “fine” (whatever that means!)
in that first picture, the very first one in this whole entire blog post (lol) i am wearing a jane mai shirt that says “cunt is such an ugly word i’m so pretty though”; and for a long time it was my favorite shirt. i love jane mai! we have sort of become acquaintances, to be an awful name dropper. i have been ordering things from her for years, so we have some sort of rapport. she has put nail polish bottles she knew were dupes of ones i wanted in my order boxes. and more! i love her!
i subscribed to cat marnell on patreon, because idk. the appeal is there. the writing is good. the photos are better (cat marnell’s photography skills are not spoken about often enough! they exist!!!) so i pay ~$6 a month now to read her articles. i can’t afford it, i do it anyways.
i can’t afford most things. i do them anyways. my december and january rent remain unpaid. please president biden, a 3rd stimulus check would save my ass at the very least (i jest; it’d do much more good than that!)
as always, my venmo is zelie my cashapp is $neoncherry my paypal can be found here and that’s about it! well, there’s always patreon, and onlyfans. lol. onlyfans is obviously very 18+. the patreon membership of $1 per month or more helps me pay my silly subscriptions, and more importantly it gives you access to my discord server, automatically, even though i suck at bots! i need to go back into my server settings and figure that out lol!
i hate that thing. that so many people do. that thing. that show. that so many people like. i hate it! however, hate is unconstructive. i should focus that passion and energy into love. into things that deserve love, like almost nothing left in my life.
obviously my cats are a huge exception.
i sit here, blogging, AND vlogging, (writing, AND filming myself writing). i sip my coffee. it is still warm. for a moment i find peace.
life is torment but i needn’t drag others into that. i’ll be back.
…you and me, i can see us dying, are we? – gwen stefani, no doubt, don’t speak
trigger warning, idk, all the things. i am too tired to seek them out for you. peruse with warning. perhaps i will come back and edit this.
i did a new youtube, maybe more than one, but here is yesterday’s:
so, that aside, what is there? sleeping? self-hatred? something more has to exist
my memory is so severely impacted bymy cognitive impairment. i don’t mind too much.
i film everything anyways.
i’m too normal and indoctrinated into the healthcare system for some of my friends. for some of my dreams. a thought that makes me choke: i may never strip at a strip club like i want to
i’m filming right now, even as i type out a wordpress post, and i am so, so tired. i missed an appointment this morning – one that could help me. i was too tired.
i am drinking coffee now, so i am less tired, but still fatigued.
i miss taking pictures.
i’m having a hard time. not really sure what’s going on with my brain. i took my meds this morning – that feels important to document. still, cup #2 of coffee and i’m here, really struggling. maybe i’ll edit another video from my backlog of old footage.
i swear i want to try. i will preserve as many images as i can.
for now, i’m tired. there is so much. literal terabytes! perhaps my words are worth more, but i don’t really care right now.
oh well. i truly am sorry for being such an abysmal blogger. or perhaps i just do things my own way.
i’m running; running as fast as i’m able, which admittedly is not that fast, but i do have asthma. which scenario is this? the one where i exercise and run short on breath, leading to an asthma attack? or the one where i try to exist and life beats me with its weapons. do you not think of living as a beast that carries many instruments of torture? how lovely that must be, wonderful, even.
i fit all the 2019 diagnostic criteria for hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome, so i told a counselor of mine i need her to transport me to and from and book a primary care doctor appointment, so that they can refer me to some specialist. a rheumatologist? who knows! whatever they decide is best, i suppose. i have so many symptoms; the arthritis, dislocating knees, hypermobile joints, velvety soft skin, arachnodactyly, acid reflux, gi hernias…. and the list goes on.
i used to do ballet. starting when i was three. i also briefly took gymnastics and trampolining lessons. then, acting was my thing, from age 6 onwards, for many years. i took a ballet class again at 14 but it didn’t stick – and at 15 my dad swept the rug from under our feet financially, taking me from middle-class-privileged, something i’d had just enough time to grow accustomed to, to wicked poor, and suddenly i had to quit ballet and my brother had to quit fencing because my dad took the money from the sale of the house in england. the one my mom was on her knees cementing steps for and scaring me by standing on banisters so she could paint far walls and ceilings. she was physically healthier then. she pushed through. my dad taking that money was the last thing, i think, for her, mentally. she was worried after that that she’d lose custody of my brother and i while we were minors after that, she functioned so poorly. i’ve watched her investment of a house fall into disrepair she can’t afford to fix and therefore hasn’t, asbestos and all, leaking pipes and still no heat or plumbing to my room so i can’t visit in the winter, etc. this isn’t a novel about how my dad ruined my life and the lives of others, though. i can save those stories.
so, heds, and suddenly it makes sense – the severe chronic gi issues? i get it, kind of. i mean, if i have a connective tissue disorder of the degenerative nature. perhaps. my illness is severe but not aggressive and fast-paced. for that i am grateful.
oh! and to feel relief. let’s not go there. what healthy person would need to relate; would read my blog?
so, what else. hm.
i dyed my hair extensions. miraculously, i continue to lose weight on my anorexia diagnosis, despite my eating more, to my horror. do as i say, not as i do, and i say eat what your body needs. by no means am i pro anything related to eating disorders in a way that feeds them…because while you aren’t eating, they get to eat away at you.
my hair extensions remain a toned blonde, with blue (diluted sfx fishbowl) and pink (straight out of the bottle manic panic amplified cotton candy pink). cute! i’ll insert an image.