a new post on a new blog for a new day, or something

gosh, that sounds terribly optimistic, doesn’t it? that’s kind of gross.

it’s not that optimism is inherently gross by any logic, but anything other than pessimistic realism resulted in something bad when i was a child. i don’t know what, but i know i’m deeply uncomfortable admitting i feel optimism, in a similar way to my difficulty expressing affection physically or even verbally, because it’s weakness or whatever.

so i can sit here, and vape cherry pie thc (or either of two other cartridges i have), and blog, on neon cherry dot pink. i have turned off the auto renew on everything; even domain name sugarette.net

my “fresh and popping” discord server includes dialogue like:

reminder that access is $1/month at my patreon, but i also don’t expect many of you to want to join. if enough people contribute to my patreon funds, i can subscribe to k+k loveline’s hour long guidance reading each month instead of a half hour tarot and astrology blend reading! perhaps with more guidance i will fuck up less! not that my fucking up is on you!!! unless you are one of a select few people who contributed directly to my decline…

and do i have a decline? for i am where i’ve always been, just shed of some parasites. lonely, in a pandemic, but not as weighed down. overwhelmed, frustrated, but not as willing to end my own life. that one’s important right there; my suicidality and self harm have been decreasing, and as much as i’d adore for my ex to think i died, it’s alright if he doesn’t and he continues to stalk this blog like so many others do.

so my mental health is better, and worse, at the same time. my physical health… is worse, and my spiritual health is telling me it’ll thrive if i buy candlemaking supplies, with some help from my materialistic shopping addict almost-not-quite-a-hoarder tendencies. that’s just that, i suppose. i am trying to nip the hoarder thing in the bud! i’ve seen it play out over my mom’s life, and i don’t want that for myself!!!

(and still, i hoard footage)

so i don’t think i’ve published a video since my last blog post, in fact i know i haven’t, but i am working on editing not one but several videos (i am a strong and capable woman when it comes to not leaving my apartment or talking to strangers or…)

terabytes upon terabytes, that i cannot wait to upload and then offload, but here we are, in a place where i haven’t edited much of anything yet. haven’t even organized, i have barely even peeked.

should there be a song for every one of the blog posts from now on? perhaps there should be, every time. this is a tradition i may soon forget.

i wish i had things to say, to contribute, to improve things. is it more important that i remember quality over quantity, dear (and sometimes creepy) readers?

if you subscribed via email to my blog recently, it is not because of you that i moved, and you are welcome here… give me your opinion! in the comments! or don’t, i have too many lurkers.

from my 2020 birthday

and so i keep moving forward. what else is there to do? we are floating in space, on a rock. keep living. keep doing. it is repetetive, and i hate it some days, but often it is rewarding, not to be the cornball i am so desperately afraid of being thanks to my father and his complete invalidation of myself or my brother feeling any emotion (see: him laughing and calling it dancing when my brother would cry and throw a tantrum at an age where that was normal.)

this was just supposed to be a post, you know? not one of the long, long ones. a casual one. not that it’s long enough to warrant two descriptive longs with a comma in between (yet?) but i still feel perplexed about how i ended up here. my brain is a puddle, these days. by these days, i mean years. years have gone by.

most of my media didn’t transfer to my blog posts here during the import… i’ll see what that means shortly, i suppose.

it’s come to my attention recently that i look young for 28. i wasn’t aware that 28 was an age you normally need botox and anti aging dermatologist and aesthetician treatments by, but here we are. my skin has gained texture, during the last two years, mostly due to my dermatillomania. i’m somewhat of a dermatillomania queen over on tiktok. i don’t think that that’s a good thing.

this is enough for now? we’ll catch up eventually…i love you

xoxo
zélie

i used to scream, ferociously, any time i wanted

well, i made another video for youtube, so here’s the obligatory sharing of it:

i shared this one much faster than normal! be proud! no, really. i’m doing terribly.

today i medically withdrew from college for the 2nd time and i also texted my therapist for a referral to an online (thanks covid-19?) partial hospitalization course that i kind of, uh, need, to survive. but i am safe. i am doing it. things might be okay.

so i guess this is where avoiding the hospital has left me.

i don’t know! things are just so hard; i swear i’m trying.

i have good news, too. x2. i can’t share the latter, but the first part is that i am going to be in kitty‘s music video for her song afterglow, on her charm & mirror ep. kit has been one of my favs since like, 2011.

there will be a sfw and nsfw version; both coming out on 8/26/20. i am in both.

the sfw one will be available to view for free on kitty’s youtube, and the nsfw one will be available to view for free on her onlyfans page! also free! so check out those links; i’m super excited.

still struggling with pictures. perhaps i should edit some, soon? it might make me feel better.

smoking weed (oui’d) is keeping me sane, ish. it medicates my pain. when the available alternative that’d work is opioids/opiates, you really can’t complain about me being an embarrassing stoner.

the title of this post, is, of course, lyrics from taylor swift’s song seven. in case you needed to be told. oh! here is a picture:

my art wall
and here is me in kitty’s upcoming afterglow video, which i will of course share when it comes out!

that’s all for now.

xoxo

rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling, down, down, down

more updated youtube (and tiktoks, but you’ll have to find those yourself):

i keep dissociating; bad for finishing dehydrated. i think i have to delay releasing the album of mostly covers i haven’t even mentioned yet. so no august 1st. i’ll update you all soon on that, in case you care.

i’m so tired. i need my morning coffee.

x

perhaps a second morning coffee.

x

perhaps i will release a lo-fi album that i won’t take seriously, and a book of self-published poems, and go to college, and work, and more, but perhaps not. i am twenty seven years old.

this is the obligatory part of the post where i explain that it is my twenty-eighth birthday in nine days, and that my amazon wishlist link can be found here, because i get to post that occasionally, like right before my birthday.

i am bleaching and dyeing my hair soon. probably not today.

my friend Alexis made me as a sim. realistic, no?

i don’t know what to write. it’s not writers’ block, i think, it is a deep tiredness that echoes through my being and attitude towards life.

you can also send me money for my birthday as a donation: paypal.me/zelie

sorry if i seem desperate, it’s because, well, i am.

things are complicated and i keep dissociating.

xoxo
zélie

and i write write write, and i write write write

okay. let us deal with the probable elephant in the room; yes i am misquoting the kitty cat dance dance dance song (that’s definitely, uh, its official name.) i once had a shirt that was based on that video, aptly purchased at hot topic circa 2008 or 2009

i would post the picture right now, but it will take some time. i suppose i will hunt for it anyways. still, my flickr is deleted. my photo folders are unorganized. digging i go!

that took less time than i thought. perhaps 10 minutes. though the shirt is hard to see…

so now i sit and sip hot (warm) coffee, with milk, because [redacted] was so kind as to buy me some more during this pandemic and drop it off at my apartment, with a mask on, of course.

i’ve been struggling, with a lot of things, of course, one of them being the feeling of being unproductive, though i am depressed and chronically invisibly mentally & physically ill and my creative output is still rather immense, considering all of that.

see, i know this logically, but emotionally, it doesn’t stick. things are always that way in my head. bpd symptom number whatever.

so here are some more photos, old ones, to start (sort of) at the beginning (my beginnings with a basic point-and-shoot camera, anyways), because i have no clue where else i’d start… well, i do, but… unimportant!

in 2008, i believe, possibly late 2008, i deleted my year’s worth of flickr content and “started fresh.” those two photos were two of the first i ever uploaded, following that.

the eiffel tower & myself

other old pictures are harder to find – this is old, sure, but not the first photo i uploaded during my golden era of flickr dot com, which was titled “godiva had more hair than me” and captioned, ‘cut it all off.”

there are recent images, too.

eye makeup. quarantine haircut. arctic fox hair dye in frose.

i must admit, i overlined my lips with a charlotte tilbury lipliner there. (pillow talk, of course!)

yes! i have animal crossing new horizons! have i written about it on here yet? i can’t recall and i don’t have the spoons to check! with that said, i must thank beth for buying me the game and also a coral pink switch lite which i love dearly.

well, that’s all for today. i’m considering substack, but i think i’d have to be dramatic and upheave things by deleting my facebook or something. we’ll see.

xxoo

trying

“i’m trying
“you’re very trying”

sabrina

x

truth be told, i’ve taken days to write this – it’s been sitting open in a tab, even as my toned hair soaked up light purple (or lilac, or lavender) hair dye. girls night by arctic fox.

i swear, i am trying.

new hair color

so, the major updates, or oobs, if you will:

  • my hair is purple as aforementioned and seen above
  • i owe more in debt than ever, especially thanks to my canon g7x mark ii which i purchased with credit but do not regret
  • um, i am doing a no-buy year to change my psychology (more details will be on my youtube soon)
  • my mom threatened very seriously to cut me out of her life financially but then changed her mind. (i would not have enough to pay my BILLS lol)
  • i have a boyfriend who i want to fairly impulsively marry but idk if that’s happening ever lol
  • up 1mg klonopin dosage. destigmatizing the medications.
  • going outside = panic
  • why did the mailman have to give me his number? it made me afraid of my favorite part of the day
  • i vlog more than i can edit
  • i upload less than i edit
  • i don’t need to say everything, not yet
big hair, bigger mood swings

that’ll be all for now

xoxo