let’s be inclusive of livejournal

i made a livejournal (that i barely posted on) while i was taking a hiatus from wordpress (here, if you weren’t aware)

i went outside, to eat pho, during that time. i got and i posted a photo from the vietnamese restaurant:

pho; vietnamese iced coffee; etc

so. let me look to see what else you missed… ok, there was more than i thought. so just go look at it or whatever if you want to. i may even post on it again someday in the future. who knows.

i would love to feel okay.

are you watching my decay?

shameless self promotion

some days, words come easily. other days, not so much.

xxoo

so i guess we’re back here right now

hi, Sugarette dot net. My Sugarette readers,

I tried to carve out a space for myself elsewhere on the internet, a space that could basically be entirely mine, a wordpress dot com blog, and that was costly…and eventually I moved my blogging/posts to my patreon, and stopped blogging publicly. I set it up so that both sugarette dot net and zelie dot co domains pointed towards my patreon. They still are…maybe not for long.

I have one patron already! It helps. If you can, if you want to, feel free to consider becoming my patron, and as a aresult seeing more content from me, but I’m not here solely to plug my means of making money.

I want to make this blog more about mental health again. I miss having a reader base that so heavily consisted of neurodivergent individuals. I want to provide tutorials for coping techniques, etc.

I want to write more – I’ve been shooting some footage and many photographs, mostly with my dslr, although some with my slr…I want to write more – more poetry, more blog posts, etc.I might put my (depressing) poetry on cherrymess and allpoetry, but really I want it on patreon, so, there’s that.

So I’m sat here drinking coffee, and I put not even vanilla but chocolate ensure in it in lieu of creamer or milk. My mind is going too fast, in the anxious way. I am trying to save things from falling apart but I feel like I, myself, am falling apart. If I return to the hospital, my boyfriend will be at work now, and harder to reach by phone anyways. Most hospitals do not allow much cellphone access. I don’t even know if I need the hospital, or respite, or anything – maybe something, but a higher level of care, maybe not.

I’m too fuzzy for much writing right now, but here are a couple of photos of my new pin board:

comment if you want to know who a pin is by and I’ll dig up the info!

As you can see, I also now have a gaming table. There have been quite a few changes in my life! I’ll update you all more later – either here or in a more personal blog setting that I’d link, as always

My mental health is so weird lately. I am a mix of anxious and depressed, usually one moreso than the other but it varies which is on top. My eating disorder is, for lack of a better word, ??? right now.  Other things are also bad. I’m safe, I’m managing, it’s just bad.

I have been playing kind of a lot of mtg and mtg arena. It’s a time waster (and in the case of the paper cards, a money drain), but a fun one.

Okay, I don’t have energy to write more right now, but I do have the spoons to work on other BTS online/pc related work in order to be more ready with good updates when I come back to post here again.

I love you all.

xoxo,
Z

a photo update

I don’t update this blog enough. It’s because of my depression, mostly, which is ironic since this is a mental health-centric blog.

I actually updated maybe a week ago but the post felt like it came from too dark and numb of a place so I reverted it to a draft, as I have done with several of my posts over the years.

Anyways.

So, we all know that I’m in a bad place; I’m doing badly. I hate waking up most days and facing reality. I have things that make it better – earl grey tea with creamer, my emotional support animal and cat-daughter Xena, whose seventh birthday is coming up this February (!), and other things, like plans. Short term, like today I am looking forward to trying a guided meditation using an app on my meditation cushion (which is pink, of course – most things I own are). Longer term, I have goals, but probably too many that I’m unsure which I care the most about, so I don’t want to blog about that right now.

I have some sooc (“straight out of camera” aka unedited) photos that I took with my dslr recently, and that I have just been able to access on my pc as of yesterday since my desktop’s SD card reader is broken, my external SD card reader went missing, so…I bought a new external one. This one is better, because it lights up when it’s plugged in and more importantly, it’s pink. I thought I’d share some photos with you all since that’s one of the things that I do from time to time on here (I really want to get into making instructive how-to blog posts with pictures again, but you know…depression):

when I repaired my chair 🙂

Does this count as a post? Hopefully yes.

xoxo
Z

panic pixie dream year made up of all the days inside it

It has been a while, Sugarette Dot Net. It has been too long! Thankfully, here is a post.

Things, of course, are bad, because when are they not for me? I say that as a joke, but also, like, ha, true.
I didn’t go to crisis services this weekend even though I was originally planning to. I feel a sliver better than I have in recent months – perhaps the increased dose of antidepressant I acquired for my med regimen recently is helping? Perhaps.
I need to write to you more, to my readers, but it is so hard. I have been writing a very small amount on another blog I made, panic pixie dream girl (a phrase coined by my brilliant and beautiful writer friend Leah Williams* – I love gushing about how great my friends are)…anyways, here’s the link. It might have some pretty triggering content in there at times, so proceed with caution. You can expect essays, poetry, photographs, other art, other prose. (Do “blog posts” count as prose?)
So, this blog post comes in parts. I just covered the new blog that I made to some extent, and I’m about to mention to you that most of my photography will be going there, instead, from now on. Of course this blog will still be, and still be updated, even (although admittedly possibly less), but I want its main focus to be on mental health, neurodivergence, decreasing the stigma associated with it so strongly that it endangers lives regularly, and of course strategies for coping with mental illness.
Next section. Okay. I have attempted a project several many times now, called the 365days project. I’m almost certain my friend started it with a flickr group back in the mid 2000s. It’s a pretty common project concept now, and has been adapted in several ways, but the way I’ve (mostly) tried to accomplish completing this project is by taking a self portrait every single day for a year, without missing a day.
Of course, that means I can’t miss a day. No hospitalizations, no depression slumps where I’m unproductive in every way for a week, no respite residential care, no camera problems wherein I stop being able to actually shoot the self portraits.
It has helped me, despite my never having finished it, to improve my photography, modeling, and photo editing skills especially. I first started the project (ever) when I was fifteen. I was young, it was bad, but more importantly, I kept going.
I guess that’s something I don’t give myself credit for very much, certainly not enough – I keep going. I trudge on. Sure, sometimes I spend a while crying in the dirt on the ground I’m laying on in the fetal position (metaphorically, but also possibly something that literally has happened to me) but I get up. I get back up. I get hurt, it hurts, it doesn’t stop, I still get back up and keep fighting.
Anyways, of course despite my perseverance regarding this project that is essentially taking dslr selfies for 365 days in a row, I do keep failing the project. I keep missing days. I keep starting over. One time I made it past day 100…but that’s kind of a pathetic I guess, especially since it happened when I was 16. I am now 24 years old in this year 2017 (I turn a quarter of a century old later on this year, thanks to my July birthday) and I have not ever completed it.
Okay, so that’s rough, I guess, but where it really stings, is that the last time I failed 365days? It happened to be a few days ago. I really wanted to complete it that time, too (like every time to be fair)
Anyways, I am going to keep attempting the 365days project. Why, you may ask? (You may not, idk.) I need reasons to keep going, reasons to improve, ways to practice my photography, modeling and photo editing, and I want to push my brain to find 365 semi creative ways to frame my body… or parts of it, sometimes, depending on the self portrait.
It actually doesn’t even really matter that much any more if I finish. When I say that, I am not denying that if I ever take a day 365/365 shot after not missing a single day, I would be beyond thrilled about it. I think that I would feel things I can usually only feel when I am less numb than I tend to be lately. Either way, I keep going. I try again.
I keep going, I keep fighting, I keep photographing. I continue to make art, to be creative, to produce good things in this world when I can. Even rant-y, semi depressing blog posts about several different topics. I got an inspirational quote from an app I use (Booster Buddy) that really struck, well, several chords with me. Here’s a screencap I posted on instagram, but it’s also typed out below, mostly for people who have trouble reading English or seeing text in pictures clearly enough to make it out.

“Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.” – Muhammad Ali
I highly recommend that app if you struggle with a mental illness or several, especially if you’re young, lonely, taking medication, need extra support….the list probably goes on infinitely. I use it almost every day, and no, they aren’t paying me (I wish.) I didn’t mention it in my old post mentioning helpful apps for neurodivergent people because I didn’t know about it yet, but it might be my favorite app for managing my medications and improving my symptoms.
Okay, my final thing that I wanted to talk about was that my mental health is still really bad but I’m not ready to address it fully in a post here yet. I will. Just not yet. Patience is a virtue, albeit one I’m pretty lacking in.
Take care reader(s)…it’s a terrible world out there a lot of the time right now, but we can keep fighting, together. If you don’t feel that your life is a constant fight against mental illnesses or chronic physical illnesses or psychological traumas or like, whatever you may be fighting, good for you, but this part won’t really apply to you. It’s okay though, because if you can’t relate, you’re not fighting daily, which like….congratulations, please appreciate your health and please do not take your good health for granted. If your health is poor like mine, stay strong and remember to drink enough water.
xoxo
Z
*HERE is Leah’s twitter because like, if I’m going to literally namedrop my friends, I might as well link to their online presence as well.