editing videos to be seen after the end of the world

aliens find me, declare me a genius! jk. but anyways.

i turned 29, was harassed again on my birthday (but thankfully didn’t see it until the next day), and so on and so forth. does it matter? (yes.)

i put a lot of work into my website lately, setting up zeyspace and zelie.tv which is currently terrible but will one day look good. i love relearning/learning new html and css!

when i haven’t been setting up small web webpages, i have been doing other things. i have some workbooks, but especially my art and writing have been calling to me lately.

sometimes, i even edit a video, but that’s infrequent, kind of. i’ve been working on editing the same vlog for weeks.

someone, i assume my harasser, keeps trying to get into my accounts. trés annoying!

anyways, i am still here, still existing. i try to keep things under control in my mind. it’s hard.

i have been slowly buying components to construct, probably on video, an art deco halo crown like this! it will be made of zip ties, beads, and a headband. i will also use a glue gun and gold spray paint. i am very excited. today, my pony beads in star shapes arrived. soon, i will buy the spray paint.

i love a small arts and crafts project; or several in one!

it’s hard to talk when you know everything you say will be read by people. i have always tried to keep my audience small; deleting my tumblr again and again and reclaiming the “zelie” url, for starters, back around 2010 or 2011.

perhaps i know nothing.

does it matter? does anyone know anything? let’s be real here, no façade, put that away.

i am so depressed lately! functioning is hard, but i soldier on. my brain has started track 12: suicidal ideation on repeat again, but i’m fighting it and it’s working. it is a dull thumping, not the sharp sounds i heard as a teen and into my early 20s.

i identify as someone who is “almost 30” now, which makes sense, because i just turned 29. it’s weird. i’m not used to it, nor do i enjoy it, but i do wish to see how my saturn return impacts me.

everything starts to make more sense as i am finally able to gain emotional maturity at a faster speed thanks to those around me being positive influences rather than the deadweights or worse of my past.

i realize things about casey. i realize things about myself. i realize things about myself in relation to casey… my behavior while with him… i shudder, knowing i can never talk to him and help him understand why i behaved in certain ways that i regret.

realizing things about myself, in general, is arguably more important. i am very proud to announce that i have realized at least 1 or 2 insignificant things about myself since i spoke to you last – lol – but they add up.

i uploaded two covers (both bad) of wuthering heights by kate bush to my youtube. there they shall stay for the foreseeable future.

i uploaded other things, too. go check it out! it’s a fun time full of THIS IS FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.

but this blog i do want to be slightly more palatable than my youtube. i am not scaring away followers here, though the quantity occasionally alarms me, i wish to occasionally provide advice and at this point at least insight into my health problems. at worst i am vulnerable. at best i save lives.

i already know, i have been reached out to, for my blog and how it has touched people through this wild thing we call the internet… it is almost always a good feeling, especially the times when i’ve helped someone, and that happens somewhat regularly! i am very lucky! a lucky me indeed.

i have been listening to renegade by big red machine ft taylor swift a lot lately. i listen to songs until i am sick of them, except i rarely get sick of them. i covered it, but most importantly, i love it. here is the original:

yes, i remain a stereotype of a certain manic pixie white girl thing. panic pixie dream girl! as the brilliant leah, who i doubt reads this blog but who has been my dear friend for years, coined, as a term. she is smart, and BRAVE. i love her. she has overcome things in ways i am glad i may never have to. i have been an integral part of her life plot at times, but as she’s gained career success and i’ve become more engulfed in the adult industry and creating adult entertainment as a side gig, we eventually drifted apart (in some ways; in others we remain the same…? it’s alright, i guess. maybe part of being an adult). i will not name her in full in this post, out of respect for my friend or perhaps former friend, person who i am extremely fond of after many years.

this cover may actually be good, if you’re interested:

i was too afraid to cover that song for a very long time.

i also suggest this video, if you’re playing catch-up:

i probably posted it here on this blog already (hi, memory problems!), but it’s important, y’know?

i was right – it was the 1980s. in fact, it was last changed in the year 1989. so i was also correct when i mentioned that it was that long ago; ha! most importantly, please please support this bill.

i want to feel like a person, kind of, maybe? the borderline personality disorder causes chronic identity issues but it sure would help if i was allowed to get married without penalty or save more than a measly $2,000 TOTAL in ASSETS. yes. did you watch the video yet?

okay. good.

are you hydrated? go get some water if you need to. i don’t plan on keeping you here reading this much longer, but it’s important to stay hydrated nonetheless, and i may veer off course and write a small novel! (i jest)

i want to tattoo cherry blossoms on myself, and get my candy heart tattoos, but i am also poor and still afraid of leaving my home lest i catch covid-19 (yes, despite being fully vaccinated and having waited) or just have some kind of panic attack in public, or digestive-symptoms-attack, which is also likely and unpleasant, though i’ll spare you the details of my gastrointestinal woes for today.

is that plenty? i feel like that’s plenty, but also, there’s always room for more. especially on the internet.

still, i need to go make myself another coffee before i can relax and smoke weed and figure out how to neatly tie up and finish this post!


i also fed the cats and checked the fruit fly trap i set up recently. it’s working!

something that i want to do more often, as a hobby, coping technique, whatever – is making candles. i have gold mica to make them sparkly now, and citronella oil to make bug-unfriendly candles to keep mosquitoes at bay while it’s burning. i love a good citronella candle on a night-time porch sitting extravaganza, whether it be barely an extravaganza at only two individuals or a literal party (i think i know the latter from maybe two experiences at most), a citronella candle will come in handy and be appreciated by many! of course, some people don’t like the smell, but i do.

we will probably discuss candles more in the future.

for now, though, i will discuss today’s makeup look. it brings me joy! let me have my moment… so, the colourpop x hello kitty summer 2021 collection, that i totally didn’t need, right??? i love it! i bought some of it as a present for a friend of mine because i decided they needed some of the collection too (and their birthday is coming up.) and today i used an eyeshadow palette and a blush – the less pinky blush, you know? i’m sure you can research it and find it if you care. it’s more of a coral-orange-red than a cool toned in your face PINK, but it’s still pink-hued. i am excited to try, as i referred to it, in your face PINK blush too.

i’m wearing orange eyeshadow, because the blush goes high up close to my eye. it’s a look. no, really! it goes back and everything. i’m mostly referring to the cover of my favorite björk album, post. her blush there is a cotton candy cool toned VIVID dream! i’m in love! combine that with my first kiss being with a british girl i met when i lived in england still who was named Isobel, Izzy for short, who later truly betrayed me. at first, though, i loved her, and on the weekends home from boarding school i’d play post and listen mostly to isobel but also every other track every time. ugh, they are all so good!

izzy, or isobel, had similar light-brown dark-blonde avril lavigne circa let go hair to my natural hair (which is more or less what i’m sporting these days), and grey eyes (gray? that one always confuses me.) and oh, she smelled amazing. she was soft. i was infatuated and smitten and all of that. i remember, even this many years later, her sitting next to me against a wall so we could secretly hold hands, and her reassuring me by stroking her thumb across my palm as she held my hand. i will never not associate that action with her, probably.

oh, to be a 12 year old unaware-that-i’m-bisexual-just-liking-people girl again.

i mean, no, that year was hell, because of how isobel ended our relationship… truly, i cannot express that enough! one day i plan to write more extensively on the horrors of my year at clifton college, but not today.

it sounds dramatic, but i am actually underplaying it. a year has to be especially bad to teach you bulimic tendencies, self harming, and how to attempt suicide all in one calendar year session! that was me when i was 12.

i had my first depressive episode at 11, and it lasted until i was 13, when i immigrated to the usa from england.

then, at 16 i had my next one, and i thought it would be similarly short. ha! it is not. i say “is” because i am still in that same depressive episode, 13 years later. ugh!

well, that’s all for now! as the lovely bailey sarian on youtube says, “make good choices.”


a poem that isn’t necessarily going to be seen by its subject

oh damn! goddamnit baby once we could’ve had a real life; living, fucking, smoking weed at our own liberty
but everything does damage and though i tried to help by adding you to my phone plan i’m far from an exception.
it’s absolutely fine, okay, you can blame me, baby, stop crying, blame me! blame me! does that make it easy?
i’ll take all the blame, but i truly still can’t lie to you now, scorpio rising truth falls where ruins run

places in the past i can no longer go because nostalgia takes me to when and where we got weird just for fun
and i know anyone wise knows with death comes rebirth so i should just accept it and things as they are now but
first, just this time, now i’ve got your attention, why do i hurt so and why does it take so forever ever ever long
i look an awful lot like i think you once would’ve cherished but now it’s never time to be more than numb

so with these thoughts and more and less back then i tried to be a person i swear i did my best
i took the appointments and the respite and the psychiatric tests
everything i did was something like i did everything the elders told me like i let so many men do that to me too
you tell me since then i shouldn’t’ve, but where then when i didn’t know, where back then were you?

i know i’m not your problem i was for only just about one year
depending on who you ask we were together forever but you could tangerine-erase me and i’d be tarred and feathered willingly
i swear i never meant wrong but you won’t believe me saying that even as you see me caked in mostly my own fear
i sit here on your doorstep with nothing but shame, excuses, hopes for forgiveness; no idea whether to reconnect, as you can plainly see

but i do not sit at the one outside your home where you taught me how to sit through a movie without flinching
not where you spent so long smiling learning things about me as if i was some magical thing before i became wretched in your head
i’m sure you’ve forgotten them baby, i haven’t forgotten what happened or how to see
i’m in the home you made for us that i never let let go or truly set free, the one you stood outside of smoking cigarettes and talking to an australian girl or perhaps someone else about me

i never thought we weren’t together then or later, not when – i’m so sorry – i left you alone under the hot hot sun
later i didn’t think it meant anything, when you missed my july birthday party, i thought it was just a trivial covid thing that had to be,
i was hurt but it didn’t matter because i still thought then that we’d get married when we were done,
i still hought we were soulmates, now she puts that word on the internet like you’re her pet meat but that’s okay, she’ll see

you are a fighter; an aries ram! but maybe without the hate i let fester when i didn’t even know
she won’t give you reason to leave like my bloated cheating and hurting you in fears of i still don’t know how to correct the muck in the murk
she’s still, controlling, excuses you gave me way back when, don’t seem to go far don’t seem to show
you how bad things get and that there are thousands better than her, me, any shallow fuck, or any flirt,

mental health disorders do things and my brain doesn’t never really did work like it should,
oh yes chronic mental health problems fuck with anything they bring and i never lived like i could
i had potential i had regular life house pets front yard once long ago or maybe just i should
and i was gonna change every policy in my head just for you, my intention was that i genuinely would

but now i cower in the shadows of my own apartment home where you first spoke words to her,
where you called to save her (where you wouldn’t have if not for me) and as i remember that day i suppress a scream,
then i take my swollen hurting tongue and instead i linger in the flavors you’ve left here for me to savor far too much time later
i wish i tasted your sweet honeysuckle words back when they were meant for me, they were once meant only for me

i wish i knew then that honeysuckle could just be sweet, lovely honeysuckle and not poison.
it’s true, i never thought that anything normal would work and i fought and ended things and i was selfish, too
many things i regret but not one word of my truth could even work with you, i froze myself in my own prison
i let my flesh become my petrified cave, i let my hatred see me here until the end of days no matter how few

damn! damn! i’m sorry i once so wholly loved you in such close proximity with only a trick window to view me and how
i kept it all inwards it was beautiful and i thought you did the same thing, i thought you saw the same pristine views
but you showered me with affection instead, i should’ve done the same, i know it sounds odd but i see that only now,
i don’t expect anything, but the truth should be out there. i lived it now i wrote it, hoping one day that you’ll read it and know i now tell you truth

a saline nasal spray could be the solution to my last title and also here’s a more important message

hi. hello.

of course i’ve made other videos since this blog’s last blog-video-update, but here is the one that i want to share today. i made it two days ago and posted it yesterday.

it’s under 2 mins of me talking about the SSI Restoration Act, and please watch it. please. i don’t normally ask that!

the next post should be longer.


a title

i was watching a youtube video about brittany murphy with the quote “she knew how to be vulnerable without being the victim, somehow.” here’s the video i’m sure you can find it somewhere in there. it hit me close to home. i realized some things, though i don’t know what yet… they’re half-realized, and i am practically brain damaged according to how i feel.

perhaps i try too hard to numb the shit in order to cope.


okay, probably.

drinking red bulls and imbibing other substances, let’s see. who cares. okay.

here are some photos and videos, none of which are extremely recent/relevant, but here some of them are i guess?

i love my blocked list…so complete for the moment… perhaps one day i will post my facebook blocked list!
this knife that once belonged to my ex has since been destroyed by a guy i have been seeing.

and here are the youtube videos:

and there they are. we’ll see until the morning.


ps reminder to take any medications you may be prescribed

some drafts later, in march of 2021

i have, as the title suggests, drafts between my last published posts and now. there is a gap in time where only i get to know what might have gone on this blog but never did in those days.

people around me are slamming doors and being loud in cars… is that what a pandemic will do? the screaming at 3am has stopped, mostly, from my upstairs neighbors. i have an audio recording.

here are some cute instaxes of me, wearing a mask, and it goes over your nose!!!

also, i have youtube videos, but for mostly aesthetic reasons i must put a nice wordy paragraph (at least one!) between so many images and then probably multiple videos. yes, despite my memory failing me, i am quite certain that i have posted multiple videos since i last shared an update of them. does it matter? no. perhaps? perhaps not.

i have such a complicated relationship with certain things, like uhhh, relationships, and that has been fucking up my life. for over 28 years! i cope in unhealthy ways and let that be, most of the time. i don’t even know. was it better to be manic off a prozac overdose attempt, drawing with cray pas all night in the psych ward dining area, a day or two before i was kicked out while not only not having had my suicide attempt treated in terms of lingering depression BUT also! they didn’t even treat my chemically induced mania! how irresponsible, and you know who you are. i have talked in more detail about it on this blog before. this blog.

this blog that my ex read years’ archives from, which really doesn’t matter, except i involuntarily dream about him every night, and what’s up with that? he sexually assaulted me, no worse than some other things but far worse than others, and i don’t wish to date him again. so i wish i’d stop dreaming about him. it’s so silly. every fucking night. most people don’t even talk to me any more who knew him, like the girl in his irc he cheated on me with. oh, it doesn’t matter. i don’t know.

i listened to songs, and learned their meanings, months too late.

not every button is there to be pushed, and madno may never know that, and i have learned it too late, also.

and there you have it, every video i’ve posted on youtube since my last blog update regarding youtube.

everything is hazy, and confusing, and that’s no way to live life! but neither is dying, so i’m still trying (hey, that rhymed.) my mental health feels unsalvageable, but i know i am not alone in that. leave a comment below if you, too, feel like there is no getting better! we are not alone! everything sucks, hey!

i will figure out a way to end this on a lighter note now, because the bulk of what had to be said has been, and what should have been said never will be.

is there even a lighter note?