aliens find me, declare me a genius! jk. but anyways.
i turned 29, was harassed again on my birthday (but thankfully didn’t see it until the next day), and so on and so forth. does it matter? (yes.)
when i haven’t been setting up small web webpages, i have been doing other things. i have some workbooks, but especially my art and writing have been calling to me lately.
sometimes, i even edit a video, but that’s infrequent, kind of. i’ve been working on editing the same vlog for weeks.
someone, i assume my harasser, keeps trying to get into my accounts. trés annoying!
anyways, i am still here, still existing. i try to keep things under control in my mind. it’s hard.
i have been slowly buying components to construct, probably on video, an art deco halo crown like this! it will be made of zip ties, beads, and a headband. i will also use a glue gun and gold spray paint. i am very excited. today, my pony beads in star shapes arrived. soon, i will buy the spray paint.
i love a small arts and crafts project; or several in one!
it’s hard to talk when you know everything you say will be read by people. i have always tried to keep my audience small; deleting my tumblr again and again and reclaiming the “zelie” url, for starters, back around 2010 or 2011.
perhaps i know nothing.
does it matter? does anyone know anything? let’s be real here, no façade, put that away.
i am so depressed lately! functioning is hard, but i soldier on. my brain has started track 12: suicidal ideation on repeat again, but i’m fighting it and it’s working. it is a dull thumping, not the sharp sounds i heard as a teen and into my early 20s.
i identify as someone who is “almost 30” now, which makes sense, because i just turned 29. it’s weird. i’m not used to it, nor do i enjoy it, but i do wish to see how my saturn return impacts me.
everything starts to make more sense as i am finally able to gain emotional maturity at a faster speed thanks to those around me being positive influences rather than the deadweights or worse of my past.
i realize things about casey. i realize things about myself. i realize things about myself in relation to casey… my behavior while with him… i shudder, knowing i can never talk to him and help him understand why i behaved in certain ways that i regret.
realizing things about myself, in general, is arguably more important. i am very proud to announce that i have realized at least 1 or 2 insignificant things about myself since i spoke to you last – lol – but they add up.
i uploaded two covers (both bad) of wuthering heights by kate bush to my youtube. there they shall stay for the foreseeable future.
i uploaded other things, too. go check it out! it’s a fun time full of THIS IS FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.
but this blog i do want to be slightly more palatable than my youtube. i am not scaring away followers here, though the quantity occasionally alarms me, i wish to occasionally provide advice and at this point at least insight into my health problems. at worst i am vulnerable. at best i save lives.
i already know, i have been reached out to, for my blog and how it has touched people through this wild thing we call the internet… it is almost always a good feeling, especially the times when i’ve helped someone, and that happens somewhat regularly! i am very lucky! a lucky me indeed.
i have been listening to renegade by big red machine ft taylor swift a lot lately. i listen to songs until i am sick of them, except i rarely get sick of them. i covered it, but most importantly, i love it. here is the original:
yes, i remain a stereotype of a certain manic pixie white girl thing. panic pixie dream girl! as the brilliant leah, who i doubt reads this blog but who has been my dear friend for years, coined, as a term. she is smart, and BRAVE. i love her. she has overcome things in ways i am glad i may never have to. i have been an integral part of her life plot at times, but as she’s gained career success and i’ve become more engulfed in the adult industry and creating adult entertainment as a side gig, we eventually drifted apart (in some ways; in others we remain the same…? it’s alright, i guess. maybe part of being an adult). i will not name her in full in this post, out of respect for my friend or perhaps former friend, person who i am extremely fond of after many years.
this cover may actually be good, if you’re interested:
i was too afraid to cover that song for a very long time.
i also suggest this video, if you’re playing catch-up:
i probably posted it here on this blog already (hi, memory problems!), but it’s important, y’know?
i was right – it was the 1980s. in fact, it was last changed in the year 1989. so i was also correct when i mentioned that it was that long ago; ha! most importantly, please please support this bill.
i want to feel like a person, kind of, maybe? the borderline personality disorder causes chronic identity issues but it sure would help if i was allowed to get married without penalty or save more than a measly $2,000 TOTAL in ASSETS. yes. did you watch the video yet?
are you hydrated? go get some water if you need to. i don’t plan on keeping you here reading this much longer, but it’s important to stay hydrated nonetheless, and i may veer off course and write a small novel! (i jest)
i want to tattoo cherry blossoms on myself, and get my candy heart tattoos, but i am also poor and still afraid of leaving my home lest i catch covid-19 (yes, despite being fully vaccinated and having waited) or just have some kind of panic attack in public, or digestive-symptoms-attack, which is also likely and unpleasant, though i’ll spare you the details of my gastrointestinal woes for today.
is that plenty? i feel like that’s plenty, but also, there’s always room for more. especially on the internet.
still, i need to go make myself another coffee before i can relax and smoke weed and figure out how to neatly tie up and finish this post!
i also fed the cats and checked the fruit fly trap i set up recently. it’s working!
something that i want to do more often, as a hobby, coping technique, whatever – is making candles. i have gold mica to make them sparkly now, and citronella oil to make bug-unfriendly candles to keep mosquitoes at bay while it’s burning. i love a good citronella candle on a night-time porch sitting extravaganza, whether it be barely an extravaganza at only two individuals or a literal party (i think i know the latter from maybe two experiences at most), a citronella candle will come in handy and be appreciated by many! of course, some people don’t like the smell, but i do.
we will probably discuss candles more in the future.
for now, though, i will discuss today’s makeup look. it brings me joy! let me have my moment… so, the colourpop x hello kitty summer 2021 collection, that i totally didn’t need, right??? i love it! i bought some of it as a present for a friend of mine because i decided they needed some of the collection too (and their birthday is coming up.) and today i used an eyeshadow palette and a blush – the less pinky blush, you know? i’m sure you can research it and find it if you care. it’s more of a coral-orange-red than a cool toned in your face PINK, but it’s still pink-hued. i am excited to try, as i referred to it, in your face PINK blush too.
i’m wearing orange eyeshadow, because the blush goes high up close to my eye. it’s a look. no, really! it goes back and everything. i’m mostly referring to the cover of my favorite björk album, post. her blush there is a cotton candy cool toned VIVID dream! i’m in love! combine that with my first kiss being with a british girl i met when i lived in england still who was named Isobel, Izzy for short, who later truly betrayed me. at first, though, i loved her, and on the weekends home from boarding school i’d play post and listen mostly to isobel but also every other track every time. ugh, they are all so good!
izzy, or isobel, had similar light-brown dark-blonde avril lavigne circa let go hair to my natural hair (which is more or less what i’m sporting these days), and grey eyes (gray? that one always confuses me.) and oh, she smelled amazing. she was soft. i was infatuated and smitten and all of that. i remember, even this many years later, her sitting next to me against a wall so we could secretly hold hands, and her reassuring me by stroking her thumb across my palm as she held my hand. i will never not associate that action with her, probably.
oh, to be a 12 year old unaware-that-i’m-bisexual-just-liking-people girl again.
i mean, no, that year was hell, because of how isobel ended our relationship… truly, i cannot express that enough! one day i plan to write more extensively on the horrors of my year at clifton college, but not today.
it sounds dramatic, but i am actually underplaying it. a year has to be especially bad to teach you bulimic tendencies, self harming, and how to attempt suicide all in one calendar year session! that was me when i was 12.
i had my first depressive episode at 11, and it lasted until i was 13, when i immigrated to the usa from england.
then, at 16 i had my next one, and i thought it would be similarly short. ha! it is not. i say “is” because i am still in that same depressive episode, 13 years later. ugh!
well, that’s all for now! as the lovely bailey sarian on youtube says, “make good choices.”