a new post on a new blog for a new day, or something

gosh, that sounds terribly optimistic, doesn’t it? that’s kind of gross.

it’s not that optimism is inherently gross by any logic, but anything other than pessimistic realism resulted in something bad when i was a child. i don’t know what, but i know i’m deeply uncomfortable admitting i feel optimism, in a similar way to my difficulty expressing affection physically or even verbally, because it’s weakness or whatever.

so i can sit here, and vape cherry pie thc (or either of two other cartridges i have), and blog, on neon cherry dot pink. i have turned off the auto renew on everything; even domain name sugarette.net

my “fresh and popping” discord server includes dialogue like:

reminder that access is $1/month at my patreon, but i also don’t expect many of you to want to join. if enough people contribute to my patreon funds, i can subscribe to k+k loveline’s hour long guidance reading each month instead of a half hour tarot and astrology blend reading! perhaps with more guidance i will fuck up less! not that my fucking up is on you!!! unless you are one of a select few people who contributed directly to my decline…

and do i have a decline? for i am where i’ve always been, just shed of some parasites. lonely, in a pandemic, but not as weighed down. overwhelmed, frustrated, but not as willing to end my own life. that one’s important right there; my suicidality and self harm have been decreasing, and as much as i’d adore for my ex to think i died, it’s alright if he doesn’t and he continues to stalk this blog like so many others do.

so my mental health is better, and worse, at the same time. my physical health… is worse, and my spiritual health is telling me it’ll thrive if i buy candlemaking supplies, with some help from my materialistic shopping addict almost-not-quite-a-hoarder tendencies. that’s just that, i suppose. i am trying to nip the hoarder thing in the bud! i’ve seen it play out over my mom’s life, and i don’t want that for myself!!!

(and still, i hoard footage)

so i don’t think i’ve published a video since my last blog post, in fact i know i haven’t, but i am working on editing not one but several videos (i am a strong and capable woman when it comes to not leaving my apartment or talking to strangers or…)

terabytes upon terabytes, that i cannot wait to upload and then offload, but here we are, in a place where i haven’t edited much of anything yet. haven’t even organized, i have barely even peeked.

should there be a song for every one of the blog posts from now on? perhaps there should be, every time. this is a tradition i may soon forget.

i wish i had things to say, to contribute, to improve things. is it more important that i remember quality over quantity, dear (and sometimes creepy) readers?

if you subscribed via email to my blog recently, it is not because of you that i moved, and you are welcome here… give me your opinion! in the comments! or don’t, i have too many lurkers.

from my 2020 birthday

and so i keep moving forward. what else is there to do? we are floating in space, on a rock. keep living. keep doing. it is repetetive, and i hate it some days, but often it is rewarding, not to be the cornball i am so desperately afraid of being thanks to my father and his complete invalidation of myself or my brother feeling any emotion (see: him laughing and calling it dancing when my brother would cry and throw a tantrum at an age where that was normal.)

this was just supposed to be a post, you know? not one of the long, long ones. a casual one. not that it’s long enough to warrant two descriptive longs with a comma in between (yet?) but i still feel perplexed about how i ended up here. my brain is a puddle, these days. by these days, i mean years. years have gone by.

most of my media didn’t transfer to my blog posts here during the import… i’ll see what that means shortly, i suppose.

it’s come to my attention recently that i look young for 28. i wasn’t aware that 28 was an age you normally need botox and anti aging dermatologist and aesthetician treatments by, but here we are. my skin has gained texture, during the last two years, mostly due to my dermatillomania. i’m somewhat of a dermatillomania queen over on tiktok. i don’t think that that’s a good thing.

this is enough for now? we’ll catch up eventually…i love you

xoxo
zélie

trying, failing, trying again.

my gums are bleeding.

things are hard, but i am strong. so i keep going. lost some video footage? keep going. lost 8tb of video footage? KEEP GOING.

i have updated my patreon, finally.

for $1/month or however much you can afford, you can access my patreon posts and discord server…the only other way to get access currently is to be manually added. i am working on it! and learning bots!

difficult, but more tedious than hard to do.

follow me on tiktok, too, if you have an account…

i don’t like to add too many elements to a blog post these days other than words; i feel like it distracts from my main points. do i have main points? perhaps.

i have also been on youtube, as per usual:

hmm. all vocal covers.

i am honestly dealing with so many stressors that i cannot discuss for now – more updates soon, hopefully.

xoxo
z

so i guess we’re back here right now

hi, Sugarette dot net. My Sugarette readers,

I tried to carve out a space for myself elsewhere on the internet, a space that could basically be entirely mine, a wordpress dot com blog, and that was costly…and eventually I moved my blogging/posts to my patreon, and stopped blogging publicly. I set it up so that both sugarette dot net and zelie dot co domains pointed towards my patreon. They still are…maybe not for long.

I have one patron already! It helps. If you can, if you want to, feel free to consider becoming my patron, and as a aresult seeing more content from me, but I’m not here solely to plug my means of making money.

I want to make this blog more about mental health again. I miss having a reader base that so heavily consisted of neurodivergent individuals. I want to provide tutorials for coping techniques, etc.

I want to write more – I’ve been shooting some footage and many photographs, mostly with my dslr, although some with my slr…I want to write more – more poetry, more blog posts, etc.I might put my (depressing) poetry on cherrymess and allpoetry, but really I want it on patreon, so, there’s that.

So I’m sat here drinking coffee, and I put not even vanilla but chocolate ensure in it in lieu of creamer or milk. My mind is going too fast, in the anxious way. I am trying to save things from falling apart but I feel like I, myself, am falling apart. If I return to the hospital, my boyfriend will be at work now, and harder to reach by phone anyways. Most hospitals do not allow much cellphone access. I don’t even know if I need the hospital, or respite, or anything – maybe something, but a higher level of care, maybe not.

I’m too fuzzy for much writing right now, but here are a couple of photos of my new pin board:

comment if you want to know who a pin is by and I’ll dig up the info!

As you can see, I also now have a gaming table. There have been quite a few changes in my life! I’ll update you all more later – either here or in a more personal blog setting that I’d link, as always

My mental health is so weird lately. I am a mix of anxious and depressed, usually one moreso than the other but it varies which is on top. My eating disorder is, for lack of a better word, ??? right now.  Other things are also bad. I’m safe, I’m managing, it’s just bad.

I have been playing kind of a lot of mtg and mtg arena. It’s a time waster (and in the case of the paper cards, a money drain), but a fun one.

Okay, I don’t have energy to write more right now, but I do have the spoons to work on other BTS online/pc related work in order to be more ready with good updates when I come back to post here again.

I love you all.

xoxo,
Z