sorry i’m healing (attempt 2.0)

hi all.

i reverted my most recent post – formerly my only public blog post on here – to a draft. i also imported all of my public blog posts, comments etc over from sugarette.net (now defunct), my mental health blogspot account blog i used to run.

lately i have been filming everything. i plan to upgrade jetpack within this wordpress account when i have the money, because a business plan hosts unlimited video, and i have a personal hatred towards youtube – the company, not as a collective…youtubers can be great! (they can be shitty too.)

i’m going to re-edit videos (whew) and put them here, and edit new ones, and put them here, and film new ones, and edit them, and put them here. fear not! for i will still write blog posts, often alongside videos but probably more frequently than i post videos.

i have photos, too…i’ll share some soon, but not right this minute. maybe even later in this post (probably not)!

…mostly dslr, but some scans, too.

i’m listening to ace reject by sugababes on repeat. kyle, formerly known as kd, although probably originally known as kyle, introduced me to this song. one of my british friends. i miss him, sometimes. i never photographed him but there is a photo of us together:

ky and myself at the boston tea party, a restaurant in my hometown of bristol, england

we both look very different now. i think i am 13 in that picture? yeah, i was 13 there. kyle is probably 17. also, a rare photo where i am not wearing makeup on my eyebrows!

sabrina & xena are…getting along. they are. it’s not perfect, and i need to make some changes (a new litter mat for the second litter tray, a very small harness for sabrina to take her on walks to get rid of her excess energy, etc). they are also both very, very cute and sweet and loving and i love them so much.

i have footage of them, too. it’s cute. i wish i was better at editing. well, i don’t. i am in fact working hard to improve my editing skills. i wish i had a better, newer computer, and that i had more motivation to edit, truly.

i can feel my pulse racing in my calf and it’s bizarre.

remember when? that is, like, all jane mai merch, by the way.

i cut my hair. I KNOW. I CUT MY HAIR. my beloved hair, which i am growing. but it was cute yet incredibly unhealthy at the ends:

so i chopped off the worst damage, then evened it out. with my mom’s help. shout out to my mom for especially evening out the back.

i still feel cute.

i have so many more updates! but that’s all for now. love u all.

xoxo
Zélie

panic pixie dream year made up of all the days inside it

It has been a while, Sugarette Dot Net. It has been too long! Thankfully, here is a post.

Things, of course, are bad, because when are they not for me? I say that as a joke, but also, like, ha, true.
I didn’t go to crisis services this weekend even though I was originally planning to. I feel a sliver better than I have in recent months – perhaps the increased dose of antidepressant I acquired for my med regimen recently is helping? Perhaps.
I need to write to you more, to my readers, but it is so hard. I have been writing a very small amount on another blog I made, panic pixie dream girl (a phrase coined by my brilliant and beautiful writer friend Leah Williams* – I love gushing about how great my friends are)…anyways, here’s the link. It might have some pretty triggering content in there at times, so proceed with caution. You can expect essays, poetry, photographs, other art, other prose. (Do “blog posts” count as prose?)
So, this blog post comes in parts. I just covered the new blog that I made to some extent, and I’m about to mention to you that most of my photography will be going there, instead, from now on. Of course this blog will still be, and still be updated, even (although admittedly possibly less), but I want its main focus to be on mental health, neurodivergence, decreasing the stigma associated with it so strongly that it endangers lives regularly, and of course strategies for coping with mental illness.
Next section. Okay. I have attempted a project several many times now, called the 365days project. I’m almost certain my friend started it with a flickr group back in the mid 2000s. It’s a pretty common project concept now, and has been adapted in several ways, but the way I’ve (mostly) tried to accomplish completing this project is by taking a self portrait every single day for a year, without missing a day.
Of course, that means I can’t miss a day. No hospitalizations, no depression slumps where I’m unproductive in every way for a week, no respite residential care, no camera problems wherein I stop being able to actually shoot the self portraits.
It has helped me, despite my never having finished it, to improve my photography, modeling, and photo editing skills especially. I first started the project (ever) when I was fifteen. I was young, it was bad, but more importantly, I kept going.
I guess that’s something I don’t give myself credit for very much, certainly not enough – I keep going. I trudge on. Sure, sometimes I spend a while crying in the dirt on the ground I’m laying on in the fetal position (metaphorically, but also possibly something that literally has happened to me) but I get up. I get back up. I get hurt, it hurts, it doesn’t stop, I still get back up and keep fighting.
Anyways, of course despite my perseverance regarding this project that is essentially taking dslr selfies for 365 days in a row, I do keep failing the project. I keep missing days. I keep starting over. One time I made it past day 100…but that’s kind of a pathetic I guess, especially since it happened when I was 16. I am now 24 years old in this year 2017 (I turn a quarter of a century old later on this year, thanks to my July birthday) and I have not ever completed it.
Okay, so that’s rough, I guess, but where it really stings, is that the last time I failed 365days? It happened to be a few days ago. I really wanted to complete it that time, too (like every time to be fair)
Anyways, I am going to keep attempting the 365days project. Why, you may ask? (You may not, idk.) I need reasons to keep going, reasons to improve, ways to practice my photography, modeling and photo editing, and I want to push my brain to find 365 semi creative ways to frame my body… or parts of it, sometimes, depending on the self portrait.
It actually doesn’t even really matter that much any more if I finish. When I say that, I am not denying that if I ever take a day 365/365 shot after not missing a single day, I would be beyond thrilled about it. I think that I would feel things I can usually only feel when I am less numb than I tend to be lately. Either way, I keep going. I try again.
I keep going, I keep fighting, I keep photographing. I continue to make art, to be creative, to produce good things in this world when I can. Even rant-y, semi depressing blog posts about several different topics. I got an inspirational quote from an app I use (Booster Buddy) that really struck, well, several chords with me. Here’s a screencap I posted on instagram, but it’s also typed out below, mostly for people who have trouble reading English or seeing text in pictures clearly enough to make it out.

“Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.” – Muhammad Ali
I highly recommend that app if you struggle with a mental illness or several, especially if you’re young, lonely, taking medication, need extra support….the list probably goes on infinitely. I use it almost every day, and no, they aren’t paying me (I wish.) I didn’t mention it in my old post mentioning helpful apps for neurodivergent people because I didn’t know about it yet, but it might be my favorite app for managing my medications and improving my symptoms.
Okay, my final thing that I wanted to talk about was that my mental health is still really bad but I’m not ready to address it fully in a post here yet. I will. Just not yet. Patience is a virtue, albeit one I’m pretty lacking in.
Take care reader(s)…it’s a terrible world out there a lot of the time right now, but we can keep fighting, together. If you don’t feel that your life is a constant fight against mental illnesses or chronic physical illnesses or psychological traumas or like, whatever you may be fighting, good for you, but this part won’t really apply to you. It’s okay though, because if you can’t relate, you’re not fighting daily, which like….congratulations, please appreciate your health and please do not take your good health for granted. If your health is poor like mine, stay strong and remember to drink enough water.
xoxo
Z
*HERE is Leah’s twitter because like, if I’m going to literally namedrop my friends, I might as well link to their online presence as well.

oct 2nd 2010 nostalgiablogging

hi,

I just wanted to share a bunch of photos I took a while back (on October 2nd, 2010). I could say a lot about them but I don’t want to and also I don’t think the people in the photos (or some of them) would want me to. I’m pretty sure they’re almost all SOOC, but honestly I don’t even know – if I did edit any of them it was back in 2010. Some are better than others photographically, this is more about the memories. RIP Max, who is in some of these photos.

Okay, well, those are the photos. I want to keep this post simple and write as little as possible. I am still working on those other posts I mentioned recently that haven’t been published here yet.

xoxo
Zelie