olaplex and chill update and the italian comics i remember from my youth

the title is referencing olaplex and chill orders of business, which i’ll get into soon, such as this video:

the title is also referencing some comic books i bought (or, my mom bought, technically, since i was 13) on my second trip to italy. i haven’t flown in years, but it used to be a regular thing for me.

sabrina is being cute. what’s new.

i couldn’t read the comics – i don’t speak fluent italian – but i was very into manga at the time, in fact that was perhaps my peak year of being Interested In Manga, so i loved it and read it and looked at the pictures in it. i was reminded of this by this video on youtube.

i also am so tired, but when am i not. i try not to nap so much! i swear i try!

i got a small amount of money, and placed a sugarpill order, with afterpay. old habits die hard. anyways it will be paid off within a month and a half. i bought the “fun size” palette, finally, and lumi, and ghosted, and trinket, and more! the little twin stars liquid lipstick set was on sale for $6. six dollars.

okay, so i have more shopping issues arriving to unbox. that’s okay, for now. i just have to face the consequences later like any decent person. i also have been fastidiously recording myself opening every package, even the ones i didn’t purchase, for months now, but the footage is mostly unedited…

1/366

so, yes, also, if you read the tiny photo caption, you know that i am doing 365days again. that was day one. i guess i’ll post them here – where else, since i deleted my flickr?

day two has more photos. i couldn’t choose. day one is a diptych but day two is a damned arrangement.

many of those technically are not eligible to be 365days photos, because they do not feature me at all and are not a self portrait. also, some are good, but some… are bad.

day 3:

day 4:

day 5 has been shot but i haven’t imported/edited/can’t upload it. yet.

so i’m trying. a year (a leap year!) of not being hospitalized. i’ll try my best. i hate the hospital anyways. they are not at all trauma-informed, which is ironic given what the environment is. of course, i refer to psychological trauma. yes, even the psych wards. yes, i would know.

i have goals! finally! i mean, i replaced my desire to die around 30 a la Sylvia Plath with a desire to [redacted] a [redacted] by that time. more later? perhaps! hopefully! definitely! oh well – i’ll hold myself accountable. i want to self-publish a poetry book. my mom referred to that as “vanity publishing” but things are different these days with ebooks on amazon and whatnot. i also want physical copies; print on demand. i know that means i’ll take a smaller %. i am broke and it is worth it to me to have a physical product. it is not about the money for me.

would i say no to success? absolutely not, but i also never (ever) expect it.

i will need a poetry editor, and an illustrator, at least. but? that comes later.

perhaps first i’ll self-pub a zine. perhaps not. who knows! the world is full of possibilities! it’s terrifying!

i’m trying, trying; i’ve been trying.
i miss the smith botanical gardens. i must go back. i must vlog it! lol.

anyways.

i guess that’s plenty for the day. even though it’s 4:12am. no promises on my next post (later/eventually/too long from now) because i post: whenever i feel like. a new rule! probably often. oops.

xoxo

on the golden age of flickr (without explaining what or when it actually was) or at least right before it

oh, i miss you. i came late to the scene but you were there with welcoming arms; the flickr community of that time.

now i want to preserve my 138,969 (mostly private) uploaded items. preferably before paying them more money for features like storage and selling facial data secretly.

the first photo i uploaded to flickr in 2007, and the second, and maybe twenty to forty more odd photos that are probably lost to time, a tragic fate.

i deleted them all without backing them up. i wanted a “fresh start”.

photo number one reuploaded since then is still there, i believe. “godiva had more hair than me” / “cut it off” (no, don’t!)

june 21, 2008 – day one of my first 365?

yes, this is me at 15, before i discovered eyebrow makeup

i’ve been vlogging 24/7, which mostly means “recording myself while i sit at my desk.”

in picture number two, i am reading the instructional booklet for my old point and shoot. aw. find that one yourself; i should be wearing more at 15 so i won’t voluntarily post that here. the focus is bad.

100 views, 3 comments! oh internet, you were too kind.

then this:

myself and still-good-friend and noteboook girl Jeannette

i edit, but not as much as a i shoot. i have a backlog; photos and video. where to put my art? patreon? wordpress? weigh in, please.

Suga and I spent lots of today together. I love this girl. I love spending time with her.
We went and got cheeseburgers (i can has cheezburger? is the theme for today), then we got a caramel-ish milkshake to share. It was caramel coffee goodness. We also wandered through Newbury Comics and looked at the hamburger phone they had there and the candy cigarettes. She’s thinking of dying the reddish parts of her hair purple. Opinions? After that we went to CVS and got junk food for what we’re about to do, which is watch Sweeney Todd (she has the dvd).”

the captions are honestly half the gold, especially to a nostalgic cancer sun like myself.

next. world’s most awkward smile combined with a beautiful myspace angle.

This picture is edited. It’s actually barely edited because I hate editing photos to make them look better. I also dislike editing photos, because I find it really tiring. I feel like I needed it though, I’m so pale and my hair looks less nasty this way. I feel like this project is turning into me trying to excuse how gross I look every day.
I was going to go see Wanted with my friend Morgan today (who calls me Achilles, and who I call Patroclus – long story), but we decided to go see it tomorrow instead. We’re both really lazy sometimes. Photos of me from above always look weird to me, because my nose ends up looking semi-normal in them. I have the weirdest nose. It basically just sticks up. I used to hate it, but it’s growing on me. I’m not wearing any makeup in this photo. I just realized that.

oh, yes. zoomed in. or, more likely, cropped.

then we have my first “popular” photo. “popular”

someone quoted it on yahoo answers asking how to get the fucked up haircut i had then

Here’s another edited picture. I just cut the corners and changed the tone.
So I got my hair cut. I like it okay, but I’m getting it cut again soon because the layers are a little weird. I want it to look kinda like this when I get it cut again. Which should be…Friday? ish?

later, i would get even more views.

the next two are simply titled “Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.” i wish i was 15 year old me. she was fearless.

ohhh, my eyeliner was so good. also? this is still prior to the full glory of flickr’s golden era.

yeah, it got so much better. i improved so much. i even owe so much of my photography skill to that data-mining website

next: angst was easier with long hair

See title! I really miss my hair. I like it short but I LOVED it long. This is a barely-any-makeup photo (just eyeliner left over from the day before when I was too lazy to clean it off, probably), most of my photos end up that way because I take self portraits when I wake up and in the evening after taking off makeup. Gross!

if i did this for a year, would anyone care? if i shared a huge backlog while posting SOME new content, too?

next, a close-up pic of my teenage feet. skip forwards.

I feel like I owe an explanation of why I stopped doing my 365 (with a working camera and internet access, and only a short while in, no less). So here it is!
I will be doing a lot of traveling this summer. I will be doing things like staying at a campsite, etc. I will not have internet access. I thought that this would be for maybe two weeks at most when I started my 365. However, I discovered that I will have to be in Europe (England and France, visiting family and dealing with assorted problems) for up to a month. The actual amount of time that I would be in a situation where I can’t upload 365 shots for is unknown to me right now, but since it could be a while I wanted to end THIS 365 before I got too invested in it. There is a 97% chance (not actually, I just made that up, but around that number) that this 365 would have been a for sure failure because of that. When I get back, I’ll probably upload a bunch of pictures from my traveling, then when the new month comes around the plan is to start a fresh, new 365 which I can be much more committed to for the whole entire year.
This makes me kinda sad for a bunch of reasons. I don’t like having a failed 365 behind me. I don’t like having to wait about another year to have a birthday 365 shot (my birthday is July 18th, which is going to be over by the time that I come back), childish as that is. I have to look on the bright side though, my hair will have grown a little so I’ll feel more like me, I’ll have a little more experience with my camera, and…there are probably a bunch of other things I could list also if I wasn’t too lazy, and if I didn’t have to pee.

see, i used to do things.

like pee. and travel!

I like how even when I’m not 365-ing, I basically just take self portraits.
This is a really silly, weird picture. I LOVE candy corn. It is one of my favorite things, ever. Anyways, yesterday I went out and they were selling 99¢ bags of candy corn, so I bought one. Later in the day, I decided to do a more serious photoshoot type thing. I don’t have a good background so I was using my Japanese folding-out screen (which is really tall and wide) as one, and I improvised a tripod. I realized pretty fast, however, that I really need a light. I can’t afford a decent one meant for photography, but I’ll try to at least buy a clip-on lamp from Target and some white light bulbs. Also, an actual tripod ASAP. After that I was feeling frustrated and in the mood to take pictures (while eating my candy corn, of course), and I came up with this. I liked it enough to put on here. My hair is straight and gross and I hadn’t washed it for 3 days (I washed it last night though, so no worries, now I am once again silky soft).
My nose looks hella weird here. It doesn’t look like my nose at all.

two comments:

the aforementioned jenny is the latter

and then, every photo displays the exif data beautifully, unfortunately. you can click on a link on the site to show more of it;

i used to be terrible at scanning things. like, really bad. i guess i just didn’t care. i wouldn’t fix it in editing or anything. with that said,

more jeannette. jen. jenny.

i called her suga when i was 15. a nickname i made up that she accepted.

but mostly, i wasn’t scanning. i was using my still-beloved point and shoot canon.

july 13th, 2008 (uploaded one day later):

I hurt really bad emotionally. It’s so complicated, but it sucks. I’m ready to give up, but I’m a fighter. Still, it hurts so bad to keep trying. I’m having difficulty not curling up into a little ball and crying right now.
This is a photo of my from yesterday, wearing only mascara (that’s all I had with me. This is in a car), and with gross unwashed hair. I get lazy and tired and decide to shower in the morning all of the time, except for I hate showering in the morning, so I end up not doing it. So I feel really gross a lot. I’m actually clean and shiny right now. My hair is being weird and wavy but it’s clean and I did my makeup well. I want to go outside but I don’t want anyone to see me. I’d like to be invisible right now, and to just watch people.
I (obviously) cropped the photo, but tried to leave my nose piercing in the picture. I cropped it because I wanted my seat belt out! At least I’m safe. It’s also cross processed (my favorite picnik tool!), but barely. The light was pretty weird that day.

aw, my eyebrows were cute considering there was probably no makeup whatsoever on them and i STILL PLUCKED THEM TOO because, you know, it was the 2000’s.

the makings of a storm in my head in a time of, while not peace, not misery and suffering either.

i have improved a lot in photography since july 14, 2008. and i still think the final shot of this “series” is creative:

and with that, for now, without even getting into remotely solid gold, i bid you adieu. for now.

xoxo
zélie

save my wet blood and my coffee-stained tongue

those tights are good, but they’d be better torn up more. your existence is fine, but if you could be a little more self reliant everyone would appreciate it.

i recently announced stuff on instagram, and you can go look if you want, but whatever. i don’t have it in me to talk about it here, too, now.

i moved a lamp and suddenly, the room is inviting. am i that stereotypically a cancer sun? i want a home; not an apartment! it is a nice lamp that i bought from target with my ex boyfriend well over a year ago because i was, and still am, into the color champagne, because a girl i am nostalgic for the friendship i once shared with her, she loves the color champagne now. very differently from her old self, she proudly declares it her favorite, and i appreciate that still, though since i stopped paying attention to her. a feat! for a cancer sun, especially.

the lamp shade is cream-champagne-off white with silver thread through it so it shimmers just enough. the base is oddly shaped and probably acrylic but i like to pretend that it is lucite. it takes a standard american lightbulb.

on the coast, where the air tastes salty, somewhat far from here (too far to taste the salt!) there are photographs to be taken, so i intend to continue living. other places, too.

i wish this wasn’t relatable

i will, though, be brave! impressive, no? if i do it, that is. i intend to commit to the task.

lana del rey croons into my ears and i let her, i make her, even. on repeat. it helps. it soothes. i ordered lana del rey cds recently. i’m sure in a year or so when i get around to editing that footage (!) i will show you the cds in their shiny plastic packaging when they arrive in the mail. i know they’re coming via usps because of course i do; i check tracking numbers obsessively.

sabrina!!! you are not allowed there

that’s all for now. i’ll keep it oddly optimistic (not actual-optimistic, just for me it is) before i ruin it.

xoxo
zélie

sorry i’m healing (attempt 2.0)

hi all.

i reverted my most recent post – formerly my only public blog post on here – to a draft. i also imported all of my public blog posts, comments etc over from sugarette.net (now defunct), my mental health blogspot account blog i used to run.

lately i have been filming everything. i plan to upgrade jetpack within this wordpress account when i have the money, because a business plan hosts unlimited video, and i have a personal hatred towards youtube – the company, not as a collective…youtubers can be great! (they can be shitty too.)

i’m going to re-edit videos (whew) and put them here, and edit new ones, and put them here, and film new ones, and edit them, and put them here. fear not! for i will still write blog posts, often alongside videos but probably more frequently than i post videos.

i have photos, too…i’ll share some soon, but not right this minute. maybe even later in this post (probably not)!

…mostly dslr, but some scans, too.

i’m listening to ace reject by sugababes on repeat. kyle, formerly known as kd, although probably originally known as kyle, introduced me to this song. one of my british friends. i miss him, sometimes. i never photographed him but there is a photo of us together:

ky and myself at the boston tea party, a restaurant in my hometown of bristol, england

we both look very different now. i think i am 13 in that picture? yeah, i was 13 there. kyle is probably 17. also, a rare photo where i am not wearing makeup on my eyebrows!

sabrina & xena are…getting along. they are. it’s not perfect, and i need to make some changes (a new litter mat for the second litter tray, a very small harness for sabrina to take her on walks to get rid of her excess energy, etc). they are also both very, very cute and sweet and loving and i love them so much.

i have footage of them, too. it’s cute. i wish i was better at editing. well, i don’t. i am in fact working hard to improve my editing skills. i wish i had a better, newer computer, and that i had more motivation to edit, truly.

i can feel my pulse racing in my calf and it’s bizarre.

remember when? that is, like, all jane mai merch, by the way.

i cut my hair. I KNOW. I CUT MY HAIR. my beloved hair, which i am growing. but it was cute yet incredibly unhealthy at the ends:

so i chopped off the worst damage, then evened it out. with my mom’s help. shout out to my mom for especially evening out the back.

i still feel cute.

i have so many more updates! but that’s all for now. love u all.

xoxo
Zélie

panic pixie dream year made up of all the days inside it

It has been a while, Sugarette Dot Net. It has been too long! Thankfully, here is a post.

Things, of course, are bad, because when are they not for me? I say that as a joke, but also, like, ha, true.
I didn’t go to crisis services this weekend even though I was originally planning to. I feel a sliver better than I have in recent months – perhaps the increased dose of antidepressant I acquired for my med regimen recently is helping? Perhaps.
I need to write to you more, to my readers, but it is so hard. I have been writing a very small amount on another blog I made, panic pixie dream girl (a phrase coined by my brilliant and beautiful writer friend Leah Williams* – I love gushing about how great my friends are)…anyways, here’s the link. It might have some pretty triggering content in there at times, so proceed with caution. You can expect essays, poetry, photographs, other art, other prose. (Do “blog posts” count as prose?)
So, this blog post comes in parts. I just covered the new blog that I made to some extent, and I’m about to mention to you that most of my photography will be going there, instead, from now on. Of course this blog will still be, and still be updated, even (although admittedly possibly less), but I want its main focus to be on mental health, neurodivergence, decreasing the stigma associated with it so strongly that it endangers lives regularly, and of course strategies for coping with mental illness.
Next section. Okay. I have attempted a project several many times now, called the 365days project. I’m almost certain my friend started it with a flickr group back in the mid 2000s. It’s a pretty common project concept now, and has been adapted in several ways, but the way I’ve (mostly) tried to accomplish completing this project is by taking a self portrait every single day for a year, without missing a day.
Of course, that means I can’t miss a day. No hospitalizations, no depression slumps where I’m unproductive in every way for a week, no respite residential care, no camera problems wherein I stop being able to actually shoot the self portraits.
It has helped me, despite my never having finished it, to improve my photography, modeling, and photo editing skills especially. I first started the project (ever) when I was fifteen. I was young, it was bad, but more importantly, I kept going.
I guess that’s something I don’t give myself credit for very much, certainly not enough – I keep going. I trudge on. Sure, sometimes I spend a while crying in the dirt on the ground I’m laying on in the fetal position (metaphorically, but also possibly something that literally has happened to me) but I get up. I get back up. I get hurt, it hurts, it doesn’t stop, I still get back up and keep fighting.
Anyways, of course despite my perseverance regarding this project that is essentially taking dslr selfies for 365 days in a row, I do keep failing the project. I keep missing days. I keep starting over. One time I made it past day 100…but that’s kind of a pathetic I guess, especially since it happened when I was 16. I am now 24 years old in this year 2017 (I turn a quarter of a century old later on this year, thanks to my July birthday) and I have not ever completed it.
Okay, so that’s rough, I guess, but where it really stings, is that the last time I failed 365days? It happened to be a few days ago. I really wanted to complete it that time, too (like every time to be fair)
Anyways, I am going to keep attempting the 365days project. Why, you may ask? (You may not, idk.) I need reasons to keep going, reasons to improve, ways to practice my photography, modeling and photo editing, and I want to push my brain to find 365 semi creative ways to frame my body… or parts of it, sometimes, depending on the self portrait.
It actually doesn’t even really matter that much any more if I finish. When I say that, I am not denying that if I ever take a day 365/365 shot after not missing a single day, I would be beyond thrilled about it. I think that I would feel things I can usually only feel when I am less numb than I tend to be lately. Either way, I keep going. I try again.
I keep going, I keep fighting, I keep photographing. I continue to make art, to be creative, to produce good things in this world when I can. Even rant-y, semi depressing blog posts about several different topics. I got an inspirational quote from an app I use (Booster Buddy) that really struck, well, several chords with me. Here’s a screencap I posted on instagram, but it’s also typed out below, mostly for people who have trouble reading English or seeing text in pictures clearly enough to make it out.

“Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.” – Muhammad Ali
I highly recommend that app if you struggle with a mental illness or several, especially if you’re young, lonely, taking medication, need extra support….the list probably goes on infinitely. I use it almost every day, and no, they aren’t paying me (I wish.) I didn’t mention it in my old post mentioning helpful apps for neurodivergent people because I didn’t know about it yet, but it might be my favorite app for managing my medications and improving my symptoms.
Okay, my final thing that I wanted to talk about was that my mental health is still really bad but I’m not ready to address it fully in a post here yet. I will. Just not yet. Patience is a virtue, albeit one I’m pretty lacking in.
Take care reader(s)…it’s a terrible world out there a lot of the time right now, but we can keep fighting, together. If you don’t feel that your life is a constant fight against mental illnesses or chronic physical illnesses or psychological traumas or like, whatever you may be fighting, good for you, but this part won’t really apply to you. It’s okay though, because if you can’t relate, you’re not fighting daily, which like….congratulations, please appreciate your health and please do not take your good health for granted. If your health is poor like mine, stay strong and remember to drink enough water.
xoxo
Z
*HERE is Leah’s twitter because like, if I’m going to literally namedrop my friends, I might as well link to their online presence as well.