oh no it’s march almost april

and no blog posts yet??? this means worsening depression! who can blame me; i am self-quarantining. well. the answer is always someone but a n y w a y s it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

things are changing, and it may matter. it’s hard (hard!) for me to know, to convey, to truly & fully understand, and to trust, oh gosh to trust my own brain… but the thing is, i will update my site to reflect any personal updates asap. i will also update you all when i am done with that! maybe not here. maybe on twitter. but who cares. who cares! oh you do? i am genuinely so sorry but i am oh so sick in a non-covid-19 way (as far as i know) so let’s just keep going okay.

i’m not manic i swear. i have my reasons to act whatever way i might at any given moment.

right now, and this is unrelated, my facebook friend wants scorpions for their animal crossing switch town. i highly respect that, despite not owning a switch or a switch lite (coughiwouldlikeonethocough)… also isolation is something i am used to, but it still hurts when increased, and of course, quarantine hits different when you live alone on your lease.

i have more videos? if i recall correctly? i will insert them below; you may peruse as you like.

that is so many! who knew i was capable of such output!!!

i guess that’d be an adequate blog post, for a day, if i were done talking. so i can stop at any point really; what freedom!

so let’s not sugarcoat it – we are in a pandemic, my president is an idiotic racist idiot (yes, saying idiot twice was in fact necessary)… it’s sunday, so there’s no mail, but that’s okay, because i’m trying to stay indoors, i GUESS. also my cats are fine, so there, you have the most important updates!


there’s more.

i’m out of coffee, right now (this is bad). can you think past the moment – not under normal circumstances, but right now? i certainly can’t. maybe it’s the 3mg of klonopin i put in my body every day, or one or several of my many overdoses, but i can’t quite use my brain right any more. i even consider [redacted], for lucidity! well!!!


coffee is wonderful, even with all its anxieties and tachycardia risks. it is a beautiful thing. i do love to caffeinate. but i, sir, madam, or super computer (that was a kero kero bonito reference idk), am an addict, tied by invisible but strong twine to the sweet, sweet, but more realistically bitter, bitter caffeine molecule. i knew a girl named laura once, i suppose we are still friends. we bonded so well for a short time! life is like that sometimes. she wore a caffeine molecule necklace (to be fair; this was early 2013, and in 2009 i wore a plastic moustachio necklace from hot topic every damn day, so,). she asked me to unfasten it; it had been stuck for weeks, she said. i tried. i failed. her skin was warm, not cold with circulation problems and soft elasticity like mine. not that she has rough skin – just, you know, average healthy skin.

i don’t have an ehlers-danlos diagnosis and am certainly not getting a professional one from a new rheumatologist in the middle of a pandemic’s beginnings at its almost-epicenter country in any timely manner! but that’s okay (because it has to be, of course!)

i do, in fact, meet the diagnostic criteria, through known means that includes a self-administered beighton test.

lately the self harm urges are back. trigger warning: self harm, but my box cutter looks awfully appealing sometimes lately, and i also enjoy entertaining the thought of continuing my watch-thru of 13 reasons why, to self-trigger, a show that i self-triggered with the night that i overdosed on amitriptyline early the next am (i attribute my actions largely to that show)…

there’s more, so much more, but we have time, so much time, don’t we?


when education and health conflict

Okay. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to write about this, so that’s what I am doing. I’m dropping out. I’m a college drop out.

I’ve been told I shouldn’t say that, that I should emphasize the medical withdrawal aspect of my leaving college so soon after attempting to start it, or that I plan to go back and it’s really just a “hiatus”…but here’s the thing. Not everyone has that luxury. Many really simply do drop out and there is no way to sugarcoat it. So many of them for mental health reasons, and so many of them feeling so alone.

I get to sugarcoat my situation if I want, because I do plan on going back, and I do have medical documentation supporting my need to not be at college right now, but honestly? Why should I. I am technically dropping out, dropping all of my classes. I am dropping out of college; I am a college dropout. Currently, yes, but for the next year at minimum, too. On top of that, when so many feel so alone, why would I phrase it on my blog in any but the most helpful terms to others? Why not let those who couldn’t leave for documented medical reasons relate to my story? Okay, cool. Let’s move on.

The day I got my medical withdrawal form from my college, and went to the bookstore to return my books only to discover that I had just missed them and they were closed, I took a short video. I posted it to (my private personal) instagram and captioned it with something about dropping out or medically withdrawing, allowing it to post to facebook dot com, the site where the people who see what you post already know you.

Here’s a gif made from that video and slowed down:

impressive, i know, except jk, obviously

On that exact facebook post of the instagram video, I got a minimal outpouring (can an outpouring be minimal?) of support. One comment especially stood out to me, because it was from someone I had met at college just recently and only just become friends with. They told me that education is important, but health is more important.

I might write more about my poor current health and why I can’t be in college right now at a later date, but at the moment all I can do is hold on. So you get that sentiment, which isn’t even mine, because it helped my heart be a little closer to at peace with my dropping out (for now). I’m a little more at peace with the fact that I had to sign a piece of paper declaring my dream of graduating from college with a degree given up on, for now and until further notice. I’ve waited 6 years to be ready for higher education, but the truth is, my physical and especially mental health are poor right now. My symptoms are extremely severe. I didn’t think my BPD would get this bad again. It is. Here I am. Not ready for college, and not forcing myself to go, because I need to heal and recover. I need to focus on my health.