tw sa/sh but what’s the point of having a blog and never using it?

i’m back on my vhs glitch bullshit, and here we go again. i made a vlogmas trailer/intro;

but i don’t know if i’m doing vlogmas, even though i’ve been filming.

i guess i should make my glitchy witch bitch 2021 youtube intro soon.

other videos i made since then include but are not limited to:

(this one got me a kind of okay music talent scout email!)

these were (mostly) so fun to make!

i included SA/rape/domestic abuse helplines in the youtube post for the video where i cover little mix and mention that user9429450 aka my ex casey, who i loved deeply and fucked up around too, but who honestly fucked me up worse after i left another ex for being emotionally abusive and physically threatening/breaking my stuff. he was not what i needed. he sexually assaulted me, which i woke up to, while he was drunk. i’ll include resources below:
in the USA, you can call 1-800-799-7233
crisis text line: text SUPPORT TO 741-741

i’m listening to miley cyrus’ plastic hearts album, and telling you about it for a blog post, livejournal style. but this is not livejournal. this is wordpress. golden g string is a banger; a very good song. i feel like miley cyrus has grown hugely in the past several years.

i have a new boyfriend, and gel nails he paid for (the nail tech was tipped generously and i politely complied when they asked to take my temperature)…everything should be okay. depression and mental illness still has me in its raw-thistle-hands rough-bleeding-wounds-skin choke-hold-kill situation… but i did also switch to a new antidepressant, well, restart an old one; wellbutrin. it has helped me in the past. it works on dopamine, not your serotonin. it does lower your seizure threshold and increase that risk.

i changed my twitter and instagram urls. at first they were private, even ig, but i have uin-privated my mains. so, if you check those, check that out. i updated the links here. i’m sure my stalkers and harassers will be thrilled.

i want to write more. i want to read more. goals for 2020 – or tomorrow?

you can join my discord server, where i spend a lot of my time, automatically if you have discord & have it linked with patreon, and you pledge $1 or more to me/month. this is the link. the url is just zelie, like so many other things.

i love you all. as i vape thc, i wonder about future plans tattooing myself and learning to use a machine and power supply, and shader needles… not something i’d recommend to most… but i am allergic to metal so piercings are difficult (i learned this after piercing my tongue and nipples, oh no!) and besides, my favorite therapist i’ve ever had, who was good at therapy, told me that tattooing myself is an acceptable alternative to cutting myself. so. i win (i always win.)

anyways, mostly i just wanted to update you all! remind me to post more. love u.


trying, failing, trying again.

my gums are bleeding.

things are hard, but i am strong. so i keep going. lost some video footage? keep going. lost 8tb of video footage? KEEP GOING.

i have updated my patreon, finally.

for $1/month or however much you can afford, you can access my patreon posts and discord server…the only other way to get access currently is to be manually added. i am working on it! and learning bots!

difficult, but more tedious than hard to do.

follow me on tiktok, too, if you have an account…

i don’t like to add too many elements to a blog post these days other than words; i feel like it distracts from my main points. do i have main points? perhaps.

i have also been on youtube, as per usual:

hmm. all vocal covers.

i am honestly dealing with so many stressors that i cannot discuss for now – more updates soon, hopefully.


trying, writing, breathing

I am trying and writing and trying and writing. I am breathing and breathing and bored.
I am dissatisfied with almost everything, from the downright insufferable
To those who are in pain, maybe the worst they’ve known, as it gnawed
At their bones and their joints and their blood cells, plasma running full

Bleeding and getting back up and being full of life, but perhaps too much so
Trying and trying and trying. Am I still writing? I’m not sure.
Running as fast as I can from a past that I miss and I go and I go
Repeating words like it makes me some kind of linguistics connoisseur

Writing and breathing and slowing my heart rate, no longer a wild horse
Hooves on the dry mud and grass as it races alongside its kind
Passion hurts, so we avoid it. We get bored faster and faster of course
Your phone is smart but you won’t be if you never pick up a book, feel its spine

Read the words inside. Kiss the ground and thank it for your pain.
Stop numbing yourself just because it feels better that way
Take small measures to improve your life, every day, work hard to stay sane
Avoid the hospital but avoid harming yourself too, find a method to being okay

I am writing and I am trying and I am writing and I am breathing. I am breathing and I am safe.
The bones of my body are covered in layers of flesh that decays slower than I could ever breathe
Oxygen keeps me alive and it ruins me, my love, my life, not my reason but something to chafe
Did you know there is no point? Yet there is so much to do, so much to see!

Find the good and the bad, one cannot exist without the other. If you can only see one,
Well then hopefully it’s not the bad (hopefully you aren’t teenaged me),
(early-twenties me, current me, me’s in between, oh such fun!)
They delivered the paper parcels and I lied, again, you see.

it’s all ending, gotta stop pretending who we are

…you and me, i can see us dying, are we?
– gwen stefani, no doubt, don’t speak

trigger warning, idk, all the things. i am too tired to seek them out for you. peruse with warning. perhaps i will come back and edit this.

i did a new youtube, maybe more than one, but here is yesterday’s:

so, that aside, what is there? sleeping? self-hatred? something more has to exist

an older pic of me (2016?)

my memory is so severely impacted bymy cognitive impairment. i don’t mind too much.

i film everything anyways.

i’m too normal and indoctrinated into the healthcare system for some of my friends. for some of my dreams. a thought that makes me choke: i may never strip at a strip club like i want to

i’m filming right now, even as i type out a wordpress post, and i am so, so tired. i missed an appointment this morning – one that could help me. i was too tired.

i am drinking coffee now, so i am less tired, but still fatigued.

sabrina kisses from a few months ago. i weigh noticeably less than i do now. i didn’t realize at the time.

i miss taking pictures.

i’m having a hard time. not really sure what’s going on with my brain. i took my meds this morning – that feels important to document. still, cup #2 of coffee and i’m here, really struggling. maybe i’ll edit another video from my backlog of old footage.

i swear i want to try. i will preserve as many images as i can.

a bad huji edit/crop of a good photo i took
i took this from a plane window when i was 15 years old

for now, i’m tired. there is so much. literal terabytes! perhaps my words are worth more, but i don’t really care right now.

oh well. i truly am sorry for being such an abysmal blogger. or perhaps i just do things my own way.


a post or a call to follow me and also to take care of your health

listening to lana del rey’s new music like oh, pauli’s music show is tonight, and i can’t go. i know something fun, but i’m sworn to secrecy 😉

lately i feel like the “this is fine” dog. forgive me if i’m repeating myself.

i updated my site – mostly, there’s now a donate/follow page. i considered a subscription option, but… not right now!

you can also follow/subscribe to my posts RIGHT HERE below (i know, i’m amazing, i can work wordpress dot com):

Join 1,670 other followers

i’m tired, but that’s okay. i had therapy today, and woke ridiculously early. buffy was on. i miss watching buffy. it almost made me cry. maybe i did, over klepto dawn suffering and feeling alone. lol, i’m so great at feeling others’ pain if it’s like mine, how selfish of me.

a selfie from recently

i’m honestly just not sure how to cope with my ocd lately! things are hard (but when are they not.)

i’m drinking coffee & making poor decisions and of course rereading flowers for algernon, which makes me CRY. of course i relate far too hard to charlie/charly too.


life is tough! my eating disorder is bad. my med nurse was concerned the other day and now wants to monitor my blood pressure weekly – it was 104 over 60 right before she gave me my abilify maintena injection (talk about your meds! destigmatize them as much as possible!)

url is expiring soon, and i’m not bothering to renew, since i love so much more. anyways, it used to forward to my patreon, but people like to claim my old urls for some reason, so…who knows! it’s a rollercoaster ride out here with everybody fending for themselves. mixed metaphors? alright.

video chatting on discord with the gorgeous Beth & her cat

lately…lately is a mess! ha haha how about we skip over that one, for the most part.

my suicideaversary from amitriptyline overdose is coming up fast, and i don’t know. i just don’t know! i’m safe; no need to call the authorities or anyone to protect me, but it sure is weird and bad and hard.

i miss things, but they aren’t always right for me. that’s just part of being a cancer sun. nostalgia glows golden in the most beautiful way.

i was editing video and sabrina walked on my pc keyboard

i’m editing the next vlog. promise. aaaah.

i even have other (creative) video ideas, too! i love that my videos are real, but honestly my blog is even more so. i spill my metaphorical viscera on here, and of course while i appreciate any wishlist gifts and one-time financial help i’ve received…in some cases, multiple times…from friends and strangers and in betweens alike, i truly want to emphasize that that is such a nice bonus to allowing my confession compulsion to run free! is anyone else as messy as me? probably. but maybe not.

i started posting instagram photos in black and white, because, like, whatever. i mean not whatever! but i don’t want to go deep into it. it’s a mood; something real and sad and alive but struggling. me.

have you followed me yet? here’s the form again, because i’m obnoxious, and i can do this:

Join 1,670 other followers

anyways, my astrology mentor is texting me, so i will share more soon. i love you all. yes, even the haters. whatever!


PS i recently figured out how to check messages on the contact form – hit me up on there again if you did already and still want to contact me, or just if you want. idk. ok, enjoy!