possibly non-formulaic youtube videos, big confessions, and updates, baby

i’m…still quarantining, because the usa is wild and scary and handling this pandemic terribly. i’m still terrified!

i am also however making many a youtube video. why, in only the last two or three days i finished editing & posted not one, not two, but THREE youtube videos. too much too soon? maybe. not formulaic enough for youtube? probably.

here they are:

i’ve been into art deco as an art form, in addition to as a lana del rey song. speaking of lana, what’s up with that instagram essay? um, anyways. i love her; i will not condemn her too much (except fot dating a cop*)

*cops are part of a corrupt system that they opted to join therefore while they can be well-intentioned on an individual level, they are all actively doing harm within a toxic racist system.

okay. is that enough? is that a post? i love to blog, but i enjoy a short post, often, i suppose. i find myself questioning whether my word count in particular is high enough to hit publish, often, when writing blog posts.

if you choose to watch only one of the videos above, but to watch one, choose perhaps the middle one, if you have nostalgia for 1990s tomb raider lara croft and/or enjoy cosplay, and if you are okay with fake guns/gunshot sounds and blood imagery.

i actually put a medium to medium-high amount of effort and TIME into editing that video in particular. however, each of the three is edited in its own charming manner – the first being the most “formulaic youtube video”, if that is what ye seek. hah. who talks like that. but who seeks formulaic youtube? …many more individuals, i think.

xena is getting increasingly frustrated that her adorable efforts to be even more cute than usual are failing her in luring me in for much attention and/or pets. her favorite way to be pet is cheek rubs, cheek rubs against her cheek glands, like the shy but territorial weirdo that she is. she wishes to mark you as her own (by rubbing her face on you; cute!)

i’m on my laptop, not desktop; and so i do not have the best selection of recent images to choose from to “flesh out” this post (why reveal so much of the process today? i do not get myself sometimes)

i do, however, have a few photos & my twitter account to save from in reduced quality for reuploading to here.

tw rape; pedophilia; suicide; overdosing; medical malpractice:

i wish i could access a skype account that would in fact straight up prove that the male half of a decently well known traveling artist couple (open; i think) hit on me hard when i was 16. he wanted to talk to me. he wanted to skype with me. not with his wife around, who i admired more, though. he wanted to meet… to photograph me. he wanted to see me topless. he was maybe 30 or 31 at the time. i was 16. he knew this. i would, perhaps should, share, but with no receipts, what good is the word of a crazy girl?

i already learned the hard way that you cannot be taken seriously if you wish to be your crazy girl self or especially if you are so very crazy girl that you in fact have 0% choice at least at times – this leads to out of control behavior, so whatever. just because once i might obsess over a cute hospital counselor i had known for years beforehand through okcupid conversations, who was good at his job, so good at his job that i fell for him (hard) while chemically manic from a prozac overdose of 2000mg.

perhaps, if you fell for a figure caring for you who was good at being empathetic and who confessed to YOU that they knew you from the online dating site, and you remembered them immediately, perhaps later after calming you from a panic attack you might find yourself confessing – technically reporting for the first time – that another counselor did in fact rape you once after meeting you at a psych ward as a patient.

you might feel trust, and be met with affirming words.

then they might stop scheduling this counselor you have a fondness for; and within days, they might discharge you unexpectedly, still manic from your suicide attempt, and you might go home, still manic, and confused and rejected, with diagnosed BPD; and message – who else? this man you had once liked, and now loved, in a truly symptomatic way. you might get desperate as time passes and message him more; obsessively; to get a response. by the time the chemically induced mania passes you’re back to stage 1: the depression that put you in the state to overdose and die and go to the hospital. in fact, i don’t know if anyone at a hospital Franklin medical center in Greenfield MA owned by Bay State hospital/medical center that i went to that might have discharged me while manic at one point….possibly maybe…would even be aware of this, since i was blacklisted from that facility that i mentioned earlier after, as i discovered when i ironically enough i overdosed again (this time on 200mg of klonopin; it did worse than mania, but i was not discharged rapidly following a suicide attempt) in less than a month’s time after that and was told by crisis that the hospital that had discharged me (far) too soon would not accept me as a patient again. i was not told why; but i am not stupid. he told them about my flirting, but probably not that we knew each other for literal years before i fell so hard i hit my head and acted stupid and inappropriately. i am not saying i am not at fault here!

but perhaps, though my crazy girl words do not matter, that reporting of a rape was genuine and spurred on through a feeling of intimacy and trust, rather than a desire to lure that counselor into a similar situation, like i suspect is the hospital’s terrible impression of me. i would of course not expect a good impression when i was so manic! i know, i KNOW i was an annoying patient, but discharging someone with a history of attempts over an attempt with an antidepressant followed by mania while they’re still manic let alone not over the severe depression that put them there is not ok! or maybe all of the time! it makes me angry; it is unjust. i was symptomatic, they were unprofessional to the point of endangering my life multiple ways, as well as discrediting my reporting a likely serial rapist who keeps me from going to my local psych facility since he still works there in spite of my having reported him a grand total of two more times since then! so i just tell crisis that i can’t go there because my rapist works there and they send me elsewhere, but perhaps not during a pandemic! so i am afraid.

i’ve left that man i loved passionately but briefly alone, except for a couple of apologies, since before even my mania was fully subsisded. i’m truly sorry if this ost impacts his life negatively, but i believe it would only do so if he failed to report that he knew me irl before i was a patient there and that that contributed to my behavior, and they see this, and then i am taken seriously for once. lol! that won’t happen; i am a crazy girl.

anyways, my hospital options are limited, so i’ve been avoiding reaching out for help during this time…also ironic.

this rapist of mine is i’m sure not only a man who has targeted me. he groomed me so expertly, brought up such oddly specific questions and topics beforehand, got me so inebriated, and more, that there is simply no way i am his only victim. he is charming, tall, spanish by blood, and has a loud laugh. i dislike tall men now, after him, and my abusive father, who i believe is 6’4″, and ironically also named anthony. instead of working at cooley dickinson hospital, though, he resides in my hometown in england, rarely going out as far as i know, now.

i don’t know whether i was ever raped by my father, since i can’t remember my childhood, and i have written about that before. i will talk about it too, possibly, one day, when we both can stomach it.

anyways. nobody takes the blog posts of a crazy girl seriously, of course, but this crazy girl wants to be heard, so she’s making a last attempt at explaining how she became so desperate – tooth and claw; blood and bone. bitter to the taste, but sweet looking so as to lure in people. no. not at all. not her intention. her eating disorder got worse, so that she could stop having boobs and an ass! she hated her body. it led to more unwanted attention. sick girl, thin girl, right? that’s the stereotype, and i suppose equally or maybe less importantly, the ocd-powered fixation. yes, she, or i, got an ocd diagnosis.

anyways i realize that making these accusations, even as legally unbinding “maybes” that are still obvious, is a serious thing.

tooth.

and.

claw.

blood.

and.

bone.

i love you all, even the counselor who was too afraid to face the consequences of his having had an online dating profile who got me blacklisted from a local hospital, limiting my options. i don’t love my rapist anthony whose old phone number i still have in my contacts though.

nails and tooth enamel cracking as it bites down on sinew and harder things, cutting the way a sharp tooth can, like a tooth filed down with acid wear from years of bulimia followed by years of chronic gi disease like i’ve had.

i did a quarantine hair change, again

you are a treasure, and you need to take care of yourself so that you may take care of others and do your work in the world. your best work.

xoxo
z

and i write write write, and i write write write

okay. let us deal with the probable elephant in the room; yes i am misquoting the kitty cat dance dance dance song (that’s definitely, uh, its official name.) i once had a shirt that was based on that video, aptly purchased at hot topic circa 2008 or 2009

i would post the picture right now, but it will take some time. i suppose i will hunt for it anyways. still, my flickr is deleted. my photo folders are unorganized. digging i go!

that took less time than i thought. perhaps 10 minutes. though the shirt is hard to see…

so now i sit and sip hot (warm) coffee, with milk, because [redacted] was so kind as to buy me some more during this pandemic and drop it off at my apartment, with a mask on, of course.

i’ve been struggling, with a lot of things, of course, one of them being the feeling of being unproductive, though i am depressed and chronically invisibly mentally & physically ill and my creative output is still rather immense, considering all of that.

see, i know this logically, but emotionally, it doesn’t stick. things are always that way in my head. bpd symptom number whatever.

so here are some more photos, old ones, to start (sort of) at the beginning (my beginnings with a basic point-and-shoot camera, anyways), because i have no clue where else i’d start… well, i do, but… unimportant!

in 2008, i believe, possibly late 2008, i deleted my year’s worth of flickr content and “started fresh.” those two photos were two of the first i ever uploaded, following that.

the eiffel tower & myself

other old pictures are harder to find – this is old, sure, but not the first photo i uploaded during my golden era of flickr dot com, which was titled “godiva had more hair than me” and captioned, ‘cut it all off.”

there are recent images, too.

eye makeup. quarantine haircut. arctic fox hair dye in frose.

i must admit, i overlined my lips with a charlotte tilbury lipliner there. (pillow talk, of course!)

yes! i have animal crossing new horizons! have i written about it on here yet? i can’t recall and i don’t have the spoons to check! with that said, i must thank beth for buying me the game and also a coral pink switch lite which i love dearly.

well, that’s all for today. i’m considering substack, but i think i’d have to be dramatic and upheave things by deleting my facebook or something. we’ll see.

xxoo

how to cover self harm scars with makeup

Hi!

I’m back with a new post today – and I think it’s an important one. I’ll be explaining how to cover self harm scars effectively with makeup, but to do so in the most helpful and simple way possible I’m going to include pictures of the covering process. That means I am going to slap a big ol’ TRIGGER WARNING for self harm/self injury on this post, because my legs, especially pre-makeup, have obvious self harm scars. They are scars, not cuts, all at least 6 months old, and they are not nearly as bad as some self harm scars I’ve seen in my day – but still, if you think that seeing images like that might upset you, please stop reading now. I don’t want to upset or trigger anyone.

To add some content below my trigger warning I’ll include a silly selfie with me wearing black lipstick that I took tonight – I don’t want triggering pictures near the very top of this post/the page, because then someone might see the images before they see or read my trigger warning and leave. Plus you all know how I love to show off a cute selfie and promote self love. The lipstick is Black Knight by MAC.

yes, I’m making a silly face! Why am I doing that with my mouth? Who knows.

Sometime you may need to cover self harm scars, for instance you might potentially want to for a job interview, if you have self harm scars. If you’ve got this problem, fear not, I can help you! This is the most effective method I’ve found, and I’ve tried several methods of covering scars (including photoshop, haha!) If you are reading this and you haven’t self harmed yet, but you are planning on it and want to know how to cover the cuts after, PLEASE don’t. Just… please don’t. Call a crisis line, talk to someone you trust, try using temporary tattoos instead or using another coping technique (there are even more on google!).

Also, hopefully by now anybody who could be triggered by self harm scars has left… so let’s get right to the how-to process!

I’ll be covering one of my most visible scars to demonstrate for this post. I want to note that, unless you use all waterproof products (which I didn’t – and don’t worry, there’s a list of what you’ll need below), this probably won’t survive swimming, rain, heavy sweating or other things that tend to make makeup rub or wear off. This is very long-wearing, but it isn’t waterproof (or magical).

Here’s a picture of my leg with the scar I’ll be covering, with no makeup on it whatsoever:

the arrow points to the scar I’ll be covering up with makeup

Not so pretty, right? I imagine you can totally understand why sometimes I’d want to cover that scar (and other scars).

Here’s a list of What You’ll Need for this (I haven’t been sponsored by any of the brands I mention, but you can substitute a similar but different product for any of these, there are many out there):

  1. a heavy coverage creamy concealer in your skin tone (tip: try to not only match the shade, but also the tone to your skin – you either have warm, neutral or cool toned skin, and a matching concealer will look more natural) such as this Physician’s Formula concealer
  2. a powder foundation in your skin tone – either pressed or loose powder is okay – two pressed powders that I like are this Lorac powder or this L’Oreal powder
  3. a setting brush – I like the Real Techniques setting brush, but any similar brush will do. In a pinch, a powder brush/kabuki brush/sponge works too, but a setting brush will add more coverage and help the makeup last longer.
  4. (optional) a face/skin primer – this isn’t necessary and I didn’t use one for this tutorial, but if you want then you could apply a primer to clean skin where you want the scars covered before you start using the other products. If you do use primer, make sure you don’t use one with shimmer!

as you can see, I’ve hit pan on this powder from using it so much – it’s also a great face powder 🙂
First I made sure your skin is clean and dry. Next, if you’re using a primer you’d apply your primer over the scar. I didn’t use a primer, so onto the next step – take the heavy coverage creamy concealer:
I applied the concealer to the area I wanted to cover (that one bad scar). This particular concealer that I used by Physician’s Formula is so heavy coverage that a little really goes a long way. I still apply it somewhat generously for such a heavy coverage concealer, though, to ensure that I really cover the scar(s) as much as possible when I do this.
here you can see some concealer next to the scar I’ll be covering…
…and here I’ve used my index finger to spread it over the scar and surrounding skin to fully cover it.
Now the scar is fully covered, but it doesn’t really look like skin (yet!) it looks like makeup over my skin. That’s where blending the edges comes in – but be careful, I made sure to blend the edges by tapping/patting with my finger instead of rubbing it or using another harsh motion that would remove some of the product from my skin! By gently tapping it outwards and blending carefully, I get the most natural effect and also didn’t lose any coverage from rubbing off the concealer. I even made a gif to show you the tapping motion I used, although you want to do it repeatedly in different spots, not forever in one spot like this gif will loop and show you 😉
I use the pad part of my finger, not the very tips of my fingers
After I spent a small amount of time blending out all the edges of the concealer, it looked like this:
It almost blends in with my skin already, but I wasn’t quite done yet! Without the final step, the concealer will wear off much more easily throughout the day, and it isn’t quite as covered as I like it to be. Also, if you use a different concealer if/when you do this, depending on the concealer you might want a more natural (less shiny) finish over your skin. 
So, then I used a powder foundation (just a translucent powder work to would set it but would not add more coverage like a foundation would) and a setting brush to apply it.
I pushed the brush’s fibers into the powder foundation to pick up a good amount of powder onto the brush. A good setting brush should be able to hold quite a lot of powder, and I don’t worry about using too much powder – excess powder can be brushed off/away after.
My setting brush ended up looking like this:
Then I patted on the powder over the area I applied concealer to with the brush. If you are doing this and you are covering a large area, you may need to get more powder on the brush one or two times to set the whole area. Once I have powdered the whole area, I brushed over the area (it’s fine to do this with the same setting brush) to remove any excess powder. It ended up looking like this (remember, I was only covering one scar, so no comments on the others, please):
a vast improvement for that particular scar!
Especially if your scars are big, dark or raised, it’ll be harder to effectively cover them, but I’ve found that this method does an excellent job of a very difficult task.
Below is a zoomed out picture of my thigh after this process, with and without arrows pointing to the area where I covered a scar with makeup to show you how it’s even less noticeable from a small distance!
Hopefully this was helpful to you! Thanks for reading 🙂
xoxo,
Zelie