some drafts later, in march of 2021

i have, as the title suggests, drafts between my last published posts and now. there is a gap in time where only i get to know what might have gone on this blog but never did in those days.

people around me are slamming doors and being loud in cars… is that what a pandemic will do? the screaming at 3am has stopped, mostly, from my upstairs neighbors. i have an audio recording.

here are some cute instaxes of me, wearing a mask, and it goes over your nose!!!

also, i have youtube videos, but for mostly aesthetic reasons i must put a nice wordy paragraph (at least one!) between so many images and then probably multiple videos. yes, despite my memory failing me, i am quite certain that i have posted multiple videos since i last shared an update of them. does it matter? no. perhaps? perhaps not.

i have such a complicated relationship with certain things, like uhhh, relationships, and that has been fucking up my life. for over 28 years! i cope in unhealthy ways and let that be, most of the time. i don’t even know. was it better to be manic off a prozac overdose attempt, drawing with cray pas all night in the psych ward dining area, a day or two before i was kicked out while not only not having had my suicide attempt treated in terms of lingering depression BUT also! they didn’t even treat my chemically induced mania! how irresponsible, and you know who you are. i have talked in more detail about it on this blog before. this blog.

this blog that my ex read years’ archives from, which really doesn’t matter, except i involuntarily dream about him every night, and what’s up with that? he sexually assaulted me, no worse than some other things but far worse than others, and i don’t wish to date him again. so i wish i’d stop dreaming about him. it’s so silly. every fucking night. most people don’t even talk to me any more who knew him, like the girl in his irc he cheated on me with. oh, it doesn’t matter. i don’t know.

i listened to songs, and learned their meanings, months too late.

not every button is there to be pushed, and madno may never know that, and i have learned it too late, also.

and there you have it, every video i’ve posted on youtube since my last blog update regarding youtube.

everything is hazy, and confusing, and that’s no way to live life! but neither is dying, so i’m still trying (hey, that rhymed.) my mental health feels unsalvageable, but i know i am not alone in that. leave a comment below if you, too, feel like there is no getting better! we are not alone! everything sucks, hey!

i will figure out a way to end this on a lighter note now, because the bulk of what had to be said has been, and what should have been said never will be.

is there even a lighter note?

xxoo
zélie

time is racing toward us

…you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t), i covered i’ll make a man out of you from the original mulan movie:

and since i started with my most recent video, let’s work backwards through any others i’ve published since then:

okay, fair warning, i’ve made a lot of videos since i’ve written a blog post…

so what’s been up with me? well, i had my heart broken, by my ex, who claims he never broke up with me and who i have no recollection of breaking up with, but who is still my ex for some reason. funny how things work like that; like heartbreak. choking you.

i took and scanned and took more photos, but those, or most of those, are for later. i suppose i’ll share some scanned instaxes of me in a britney spears hoodie at the local lake;

more to share later.

for now, i return to my regularly scheduled mental breakdown.

xoxo
zélie

some instax scans and videos and a whole new world (website)

so first, youtube update:

they’re all covers….oops. a vlog soon. a birthday/hair vlog, hopefully.

now, here, have some instax high resolution scans. i cleaned two of these photos thoroughly first!

my 28th birthday cake, bought for the purpose of sitting on, was yellow cake, with strawberries & strawberry jam filling (2 layer) and also buttercream frosting in addition to the writing on the cake! it’s delicious.

i scanned some other things, but they are not mine so i will not share them (for now? forever?)

my hair is very cute, split blue and pink neon extensions. oh well; anyways.

i’m tired. i have MAYBE an hour before my med nurse gets here for my appointment.

xoxo
zélie thorn

PS: i also have a brand new website that i’m working on, zelie dot tv

and all the beautiful people in it

the title is a reference to the beautiful lana del rey song, “god bless america – and all the beautiful women in it” … actually, it’s straight up lyrics.

i’m not tired. i’ve had two coffees. i refuse to be tired!

tw suicide;
my amitriptyline overdose anniversary is coming up. you know, the serious one? the one where i deliberately took more than the 26 years old at the time of his death (i was 26 a year ago) nick drake took and died, and the one where i woke up later in the sicu, intubated, with an iv in my jugular.

i still have this saved on my phone.

i am tired, of hurting, i suppose. i plan to stay alive! i have two beautiful purring daughters, xena and sabrina, my emotional support cats.

xena barely ate after that overdose until i was back. now, for clarity: xena normally has, well, quite an appetite!

i am editing a youtube video for the anniversary of the attempt (9/11/18) but i am not sure if it will be out in time.

i finally cleared every item off my scanner, and scanned some instaxes i had acquired:

as you can see, the photos are in varying quality.

that’s all for now. maybe a post later. MAYBE.

xoxo

let’s be inclusive of livejournal

i made a livejournal (that i barely posted on) while i was taking a hiatus from wordpress (here, if you weren’t aware)

i went outside, to eat pho, during that time. i got and i posted a photo from the vietnamese restaurant:

pho; vietnamese iced coffee; etc

so. let me look to see what else you missed… ok, there was more than i thought. so just go look at it or whatever if you want to. i may even post on it again someday in the future. who knows.

i would love to feel okay.

are you watching my decay?

shameless self promotion

some days, words come easily. other days, not so much.

xxoo