some drafts later, in march of 2021

i have, as the title suggests, drafts between my last published posts and now. there is a gap in time where only i get to know what might have gone on this blog but never did in those days.

people around me are slamming doors and being loud in cars… is that what a pandemic will do? the screaming at 3am has stopped, mostly, from my upstairs neighbors. i have an audio recording.

here are some cute instaxes of me, wearing a mask, and it goes over your nose!!!

also, i have youtube videos, but for mostly aesthetic reasons i must put a nice wordy paragraph (at least one!) between so many images and then probably multiple videos. yes, despite my memory failing me, i am quite certain that i have posted multiple videos since i last shared an update of them. does it matter? no. perhaps? perhaps not.

i have such a complicated relationship with certain things, like uhhh, relationships, and that has been fucking up my life. for over 28 years! i cope in unhealthy ways and let that be, most of the time. i don’t even know. was it better to be manic off a prozac overdose attempt, drawing with cray pas all night in the psych ward dining area, a day or two before i was kicked out while not only not having had my suicide attempt treated in terms of lingering depression BUT also! they didn’t even treat my chemically induced mania! how irresponsible, and you know who you are. i have talked in more detail about it on this blog before. this blog.

this blog that my ex read years’ archives from, which really doesn’t matter, except i involuntarily dream about him every night, and what’s up with that? he sexually assaulted me, no worse than some other things but far worse than others, and i don’t wish to date him again. so i wish i’d stop dreaming about him. it’s so silly. every fucking night. most people don’t even talk to me any more who knew him, like the girl in his irc he cheated on me with. oh, it doesn’t matter. i don’t know.

i listened to songs, and learned their meanings, months too late.

not every button is there to be pushed, and madno may never know that, and i have learned it too late, also.

and there you have it, every video i’ve posted on youtube since my last blog update regarding youtube.

everything is hazy, and confusing, and that’s no way to live life! but neither is dying, so i’m still trying (hey, that rhymed.) my mental health feels unsalvageable, but i know i am not alone in that. leave a comment below if you, too, feel like there is no getting better! we are not alone! everything sucks, hey!

i will figure out a way to end this on a lighter note now, because the bulk of what had to be said has been, and what should have been said never will be.

is there even a lighter note?

xxoo
zélie

sucker clown

the joke is on you; the joker’s on you? he’s a canonical rapist, so maybe. maybe i look just enough like harley quinn that i’ll suffer through another rape or several in my lifetime. i think about that, statistically. i think about anorexia mortality statistics, and bpd mortality ones.

the joke is definitely on me. i am a harlequin, and i am but a statistic, yet i sit here, recently diagnosed at the gi specialist with anorexia nervosa.

when i was young, my cousin oa was anorexic. i love her very much to this day. it didn’t scare me then because i didn’t realize how sick she was or how miserable she was or the hell she was putting her fragile body through. i now know these things. i kind of wish i didn’t.

oh, to think about rape! what hate fills my mind; what anger i start to know; what bitterness is forced upon me like a net around a fish being caught! too much trauma – i become the bitter borderline bitch (bbb)… i get flashbacks, but not nearly like i get ptsd from my suicide attempts. or intrusive thoughts of suicide related to attempts i’ve made and attempts i haven’t made (yet? hopefully never i make them?) that is definitely, most definitely related to my ocd. i have obsessive thoughts about suicide & death, i know this now.

funny how the passage of time changes things so. you realize this more and more as you get older. hopefully it stops at 27 or 28, because i can’t take too much more.

listening to charli xcx, again to mention it as if i were on livejournal. again. still my theme does not reflect this, or my last.fm, not that that would be a thing! it of course is not even scrobbling my plays – do i know this? – no, i assume this. – okay, i’ll check. – – – yes, i was right, at least the ones i am mostly playing, on my amazon music player. i signed up for a 90 day trial, and now i am listening to charli xcx sing “i got my friends by my side and that’s all that matters to me” […] “aWOOO”

those capital letters were a typo, but i cannot do anything but love them and keep them there, in what feels like their rightful place within this blog post.

my harley quinn bleach bleach bleached blonde bleachy baby hair is of course, bleached, though not recently. soon i will tone my extensions! for now, here is a deceitfully lit and filtered picture that appears to show my extensions matching my hair, though they are far more yellow:

i’m known to be quite vexing

lol.

okay, that’s plenty for now. i’m filming everything anyways. are you following me on youtube yet?

youtube dot neoncherry dot pink

that above url goes to my youtube page! so. there. enjoy?

xoxo

PS i’m having an involuntary clown moment. leave me alone re: this!!! and that.

and i need yellow diamonds

hi hello,

this post is currently titled “and i need yellow diamonds” which i find embarrassing! so i will have to change it at some point. it is a reference to peter (b.o.m.b.) (which stands for Back On My Bullshit), a song by kitty who i love and adore and support. from her album ROSE GOLD.

i am desperate to change the title. soon. its time will come!

i am editing selfies to look retro, with an app. in bulk! i am also moving files on my pc, because multitasking using multiple electronic devices is in my top ten hobbies (maybe.)

i honestly think ROSE GOLD is likely to be my favorite album of the year.

i’m wearing a pink pleated high-waisted miniskirt and a fuchsia turtleneck Barbie sweater. i absolutely look like a cheerleader! it’s cute though.

i’ll include a picture shortly, but not yet. in the words of many, but in this case werner von croy, a fictional character in tomb raider 4: the last revelation, “patience is a virtue” … he says that in the intro level, in cambodia, before the entire rest of the game which save one chapter in paris is set in different parts of egypt. for a long time, it was my favorite video game.

huji (the app i am using that i mentioned above) is taking a very long time, a verrrry long time to process these photos! i am impatient. i should take my own damn advice re: patience.

and for good measure, a favorite from an indie youtuber:

i like their videos.

i have new videos maybe? but whatever. WHAT EVER DOT COM. (is that a site?)

i have a crush on everyone! but especially my partner, who i have been on-again-off-again with but who i hope to continue dating… ♡

(i can’t help it, everyone is so cute)

it’s best illustrated by a comic my friend cory made his cover photo, that i am too lazy to find for you right now. i commented, “cory i don’t appreciate u putting this picture of me on facebook without asking first” and that comment has six likes. six.

move, copy, delete?

i’m actually listening to ROSE GOLD right now at this very minute…on track seven (medicine ft ricky eat acid)

i’m everyone’s favorite brat.
me dyeing teresa’s hair
the most recent one.
i MAY have uploaded this already?
the thumbnail for the olaplex & chill i edited that i need to re-edit.

i wish things felt better. i hope that they will, with time, and higher antidepressant doses.

i made a new instagram, a trashstragram, a side account, whatever.

xoxoxo