a post or a call to follow me and also to take care of your health

listening to lana del rey’s new music like oh, pauli’s music show is tonight, and i can’t go. i know something fun, but i’m sworn to secrecy 😉

lately i feel like the “this is fine” dog. forgive me if i’m repeating myself.

i updated my site – mostly, there’s now a donate/follow page. i considered a subscription option, but… not right now!

you can also follow/subscribe to my posts RIGHT HERE below (i know, i’m amazing, i can work wordpress dot com):

Join 1,646 other followers

i’m tired, but that’s okay. i had therapy today, and woke ridiculously early. buffy was on. i miss watching buffy. it almost made me cry. maybe i did, over klepto dawn suffering and feeling alone. lol, i’m so great at feeling others’ pain if it’s like mine, how selfish of me.

a selfie from recently

i’m honestly just not sure how to cope with my ocd lately! things are hard (but when are they not.)

i’m drinking coffee & making poor decisions and of course rereading flowers for algernon, which makes me CRY. of course i relate far too hard to charlie/charly too.

ugh

life is tough! my eating disorder is bad. my med nurse was concerned the other day and now wants to monitor my blood pressure weekly – it was 104 over 60 right before she gave me my abilify maintena injection (talk about your meds! destigmatize them as much as possible!)

url zelie.co is expiring soon, and i’m not bothering to renew, since i love zeliethorn.com so much more. anyways, it used to forward to my patreon, but people like to claim my old urls for some reason, so…who knows! it’s a rollercoaster ride out here with everybody fending for themselves. mixed metaphors? alright.

video chatting on discord with the gorgeous Beth & her cat

lately…lately is a mess! ha haha how about we skip over that one, for the most part.

my suicideaversary from amitriptyline overdose is coming up fast, and i don’t know. i just don’t know! i’m safe; no need to call the authorities or anyone to protect me, but it sure is weird and bad and hard.

i miss things, but they aren’t always right for me. that’s just part of being a cancer sun. nostalgia glows golden in the most beautiful way.

i was editing video and sabrina walked on my pc keyboard

i’m editing the next vlog. promise. aaaah.

i even have other (creative) video ideas, too! i love that my videos are real, but honestly my blog is even more so. i spill my metaphorical viscera on here, and of course while i appreciate any wishlist gifts and one-time financial help i’ve received…in some cases, multiple times…from friends and strangers and in betweens alike, i truly want to emphasize that that is such a nice bonus to allowing my confession compulsion to run free! is anyone else as messy as me? probably. but maybe not.

i started posting instagram photos in black and white, because, like, whatever. i mean not whatever! but i don’t want to go deep into it. it’s a mood; something real and sad and alive but struggling. me.

have you followed me yet? here’s the form again, because i’m obnoxious, and i can do this:

Join 1,646 other followers

anyways, my astrology mentor is texting me, so i will share more soon. i love you all. yes, even the haters. whatever!

xoxo
zélie

PS i recently figured out how to check messages on the contact form – hit me up on there again if you did already and still want to contact me, or just if you want. idk. ok, enjoy!

and all the beautiful people in it

the title is a reference to the beautiful lana del rey song, “god bless america – and all the beautiful women in it” … actually, it’s straight up lyrics.

i’m not tired. i’ve had two coffees. i refuse to be tired!

tw suicide;
my amitriptyline overdose anniversary is coming up. you know, the serious one? the one where i deliberately took more than the 26 years old at the time of his death (i was 26 a year ago) nick drake took and died, and the one where i woke up later in the sicu, intubated, with an iv in my jugular.

i still have this saved on my phone.

i am tired, of hurting, i suppose. i plan to stay alive! i have two beautiful purring daughters, xena and sabrina, my emotional support cats.

xena barely ate after that overdose until i was back. now, for clarity: xena normally has, well, quite an appetite!

i am editing a youtube video for the anniversary of the attempt (9/11/18) but i am not sure if it will be out in time.

i finally cleared every item off my scanner, and scanned some instaxes i had acquired:

as you can see, the photos are in varying quality.

that’s all for now. maybe a post later. MAYBE.

xoxo

a photo update

I don’t update this blog enough. It’s because of my depression, mostly, which is ironic since this is a mental health-centric blog.

I actually updated maybe a week ago but the post felt like it came from too dark and numb of a place so I reverted it to a draft, as I have done with several of my posts over the years.

Anyways.

So, we all know that I’m in a bad place; I’m doing badly. I hate waking up most days and facing reality. I have things that make it better – earl grey tea with creamer, my emotional support animal and cat-daughter Xena, whose seventh birthday is coming up this February (!), and other things, like plans. Short term, like today I am looking forward to trying a guided meditation using an app on my meditation cushion (which is pink, of course – most things I own are). Longer term, I have goals, but probably too many that I’m unsure which I care the most about, so I don’t want to blog about that right now.

I have some sooc (“straight out of camera” aka unedited) photos that I took with my dslr recently, and that I have just been able to access on my pc as of yesterday since my desktop’s SD card reader is broken, my external SD card reader went missing, so…I bought a new external one. This one is better, because it lights up when it’s plugged in and more importantly, it’s pink. I thought I’d share some photos with you all since that’s one of the things that I do from time to time on here (I really want to get into making instructive how-to blog posts with pictures again, but you know…depression):

when I repaired my chair 🙂

Does this count as a post? Hopefully yes.

xoxo
Z

a first step

the girl on youtube tells me, and many other viewers, don’t kill yourself, because her sister did, and she suffers for her sister’s actions years later
she talks of the stinging and hurt after
the questions and anger
she means it
i listen and for a few hours i am quietened

my best friend on imessage tells me, and spends half an hour explaining why in great detail,
i should not kill myself
they mean it
they love me and they would be so angry at me if i tried and failed
they would be so angry at me if i tried

my boyfriend on skype sits there with his head resting on his hand, he too told me not to kill myself, and now he is at a loss for words
he was tired before we started talking
i cannot help but wonder if his life would be easier
without me in it
he tells me otherwise when i voice this thought to him. he means it.

my mom left my apartment earlier after watching the aforementioned youtube video with me, because she has cats and a home to attend to
when i ask if i should kill myself, she always says no, no matter how tired of talking to me she is
i wonder what kind of monster would ask their mother that
and justify the act of killing myself within my imagination
by my own selfish actions. but no matter how tired her voice is when she tells me she does not want me to die, she means it

my throat hurts from crying and i am too scared to say it to myself
why is it so easy to vocalize self-hatred and deprecation
to wish the worst upon myself
to mean it
and so hard to even speak that i do not want to die, i do not want to lie, but i want maybe one day to be happy

i aim for hope and fall short every time, kissing the ground with my cheekbones, grazed
freshly bleeding and in need of sanitization
everyone tells me that i will one day not regret staying alive
i write this poem in a vague attempt to do something more productive than hurting myself
i wish i could want the things others want for me for myself. i say that aloud. it is a first step

roses

i’m not one for burning images
tearing up photographs and
tossing them in the garbage

i like to preserve and document
i live to scan every photo, write every word
document every single damn moment

maybe it’s because my sun is in cancer
maybe it’s because i’m a millenial
or perhaps i am just a nostalgic girl

we aren’t friends any more
you and i stopped sharing laughs and snacks
a while ago we halted but i’m here

i don’t want you back in my life, no
but if you think for a second that the video
of dinosaur chicken nuggets being arranged by you

would get deleted? no
i still have the printed photos from my 25th birthday
when you bought me chinese food and smiled

i have happy memories too
of things that are still untainted by the mess
of ending a friendship and criticism never heard

the time we went to a diner,
there were so many times he and i walked into diners
i always order more food than i can eat.

i’m still here to get better
i still fight to preserve everything but myself
i still care about you though i do not want to see you