some instax scans and videos and a whole new world (website)

so first, youtube update:

they’re all covers….oops. a vlog soon. a birthday/hair vlog, hopefully.

now, here, have some instax high resolution scans. i cleaned two of these photos thoroughly first!

my 28th birthday cake, bought for the purpose of sitting on, was yellow cake, with strawberries & strawberry jam filling (2 layer) and also buttercream frosting in addition to the writing on the cake! it’s delicious.

i scanned some other things, but they are not mine so i will not share them (for now? forever?)

my hair is very cute, split blue and pink neon extensions. oh well; anyways.

i’m tired. i have MAYBE an hour before my med nurse gets here for my appointment.

xoxo
zélie thorn

PS: i also have a brand new website that i’m working on, zelie dot tv

let’s be inclusive of livejournal

i made a livejournal (that i barely posted on) while i was taking a hiatus from wordpress (here, if you weren’t aware)

i went outside, to eat pho, during that time. i got and i posted a photo from the vietnamese restaurant:

pho; vietnamese iced coffee; etc

so. let me look to see what else you missed… ok, there was more than i thought. so just go look at it or whatever if you want to. i may even post on it again someday in the future. who knows.

i would love to feel okay.

are you watching my decay?

shameless self promotion

some days, words come easily. other days, not so much.

xxoo

cake ingredients

i am not sure when exactly i started to evolve

into a newer, worse monster
more like my dad, i guess.
in words that aren’t mine: dna, like cake ingredients
out of order just makes a mess
or it can be in order. that’s from my mom, and it’s true
how do controlling people find time for
each other’s interests when they barely have time for their own?
i’m not sure they ever should have met to begin with
i truly want to kill the beast inside me
but the only way i know how
is by taking myself out, too. and that, is not allowed?
not by my standards, just by others’
i care most about my xena, who meows incessantly
when i go to the hospital or the doctor for a single half hour
i pushed someone important away once or ten people maybe for misinterpreting a gesture
who’s to say i won’t do it again
i’m quite likely to, especially if it comes free with self-sabotage
and who am i? besides that saccharine mess on the floor
of flour and eggs and rainbow sprinkles
but also blood and broken glass from breaking the mixing bowl
i’m no cake, but i suppose i’m not a monster either,
at least not on the outside.
still, who would know better than myself whether i exist only to depart

roses

i’m not one for burning images
tearing up photographs and
tossing them in the garbage

i like to preserve and document
i live to scan every photo, write every word
document every single damn moment

maybe it’s because my sun is in cancer
maybe it’s because i’m a millenial
or perhaps i am just a nostalgic girl

we aren’t friends any more
you and i stopped sharing laughs and snacks
a while ago we halted but i’m here

i don’t want you back in my life, no
but if you think for a second that the video
of dinosaur chicken nuggets being arranged by you

would get deleted? no
i still have the printed photos from my 25th birthday
when you bought me chinese food and smiled

i have happy memories too
of things that are still untainted by the mess
of ending a friendship and criticism never heard

the time we went to a diner,
there were so many times he and i walked into diners
i always order more food than i can eat.

i’m still here to get better
i still fight to preserve everything but myself
i still care about you though i do not want to see you

a spoonful of peanut butter is kind of, almost, not quite but basically like a meal when you’re depressed

When you’re really depressed, sometimes you wander through to your kitchen in search of food to appease your now audibly rumbling stomach, you stare vacantly at pasta for too long before deciding it requires too much motivation, and you eventually decide on the best thing for your low energy yet somehow possibly still unable to sleep body, peanut butter. Crunchy or smooth, I don’t think it matters, which is probably a sentence that is also blasphemy.

Sometimes you eat the leftover jelly donut munchkins in a box on your pillow while you blog about eating an option as healthy and nutritious as peanut butter.

Okay, so it’s got a bunch of fats, and peanuts aren’t the best nut for your health, but those fats combined with the proteins in it? That’s two food groups right there. That’s almost impressive. Get spoon, take big spoonful, close jar, proceed to eat spoonful. Interrupt to get a drink probably, but finish that spoonful! You just had a not insignificant amount of calories (calories = energy) and nutrition put into your body!

My mom told me once that you can survive for ~three weeks on apples and peanut butter. I’m not sure if that’s true. A good blogger would have researched. I’m not a good blogger.

Anyways my depressed non-peanut-allergic readers! Eat a big ol’ spoonful of peanut butter tonight. You deserve it (you may need it.)

xoxo
Zelie