thinking about self harm without actually self harming

i am full, i feel full
of bitterness and maggot-like creatures
i am rotting from the inside out
my organs are foul with the stench of fear
i wish to shine like gold
i watch myself in a mirror
dull instead of shiny yet in pain

is there anything more ugly than me
is there anything more beautiful
than some perfect tragedy executed excellently
i wish to feel okay
safe and secure in the knowledge that
i will be okay (i might)
but i wait and continue to rot

a mp3 file sings sweet promises
mainlined to my ears
to get to my brain, to my heart
i listen but do i believe?
doubt is a terrible monster
i know with time i will be
rotting but healing too

it doesn’t matter if you lie to me
(except the world depends on it)
(my world) (the one that i live in)
watch me take hurt seriously, watch
as i make my skin bleed
solemn but unwise, my attempts only
make me rot faster. nothing else

my pills can’t stop me from accelerating this time
your words can’t pull things off my skin
like invisible leeches and visible blades
my skin can pull apart and away and
i don’t want you to know how cold
i can be when i am scared
how cold i have been to other people

i am so very, very, very, very
that and afraid
does it matter that i am afraid?
will you be here later to pull off my invisible leeches
to pry them from my skin like
i once watched a man pry a tick
but i never called him or saw him after that day

you, i feel, are different
even if only in the sense that i had a feeling
a hope that you were something i never
hoped for or wished for
it felt too selfish.
i suppose i did it anyway subconsciously
but today i am rotting for you

i want to live and heal and breathe
so marvelously; with such strength!
i want to conquer my fears and become
better faster stronger
more mentally agile and less mentally unstable
but i rot, rot, rot
i might lose what’s left of my mind before you’re here