i have, as the title suggests, drafts between my last published posts and now. there is a gap in time where only i get to know what might have gone on this blog but never did in those days.

people around me are slamming doors and being loud in cars… is that what a pandemic will do? the screaming at 3am has stopped, mostly, from my upstairs neighbors. i have an audio recording.

here are some cute instaxes of me, wearing a mask, and it goes over your nose!!!

also, i have youtube videos, but for mostly aesthetic reasons i must put a nice wordy paragraph (at least one!) between so many images and then probably multiple videos. yes, despite my memory failing me, i am quite certain that i have posted multiple videos since i last shared an update of them. does it matter? no. perhaps? perhaps not.

i have such a complicated relationship with certain things, like uhhh, relationships, and that has been fucking up my life. for over 28 years! i cope in unhealthy ways and let that be, most of the time. i don’t even know. was it better to be manic off a prozac overdose attempt, drawing with cray pas all night in the psych ward dining area, a day or two before i was kicked out while not only not having had my suicide attempt treated in terms of lingering depression BUT also! they didn’t even treat my chemically induced mania! how irresponsible, and you know who you are. i have talked in more detail about it on this blog before. this blog.

this blog that my ex read years’ archives from, which really doesn’t matter, except i involuntarily dream about him every night, and what’s up with that? he sexually assaulted me, no worse than some other things but far worse than others, and i don’t wish to date him again. so i wish i’d stop dreaming about him. it’s so silly. every fucking night. most people don’t even talk to me any more who knew him, like the girl in his irc he cheated on me with. oh, it doesn’t matter. i don’t know.

i listened to songs, and learned their meanings, months too late.

not every button is there to be pushed, and madno may never know that, and i have learned it too late, also.

and there you have it, every video i’ve posted on youtube since my last blog update regarding youtube.

everything is hazy, and confusing, and that’s no way to live life! but neither is dying, so i’m still trying (hey, that rhymed.) my mental health feels unsalvageable, but i know i am not alone in that. leave a comment below if you, too, feel like there is no getting better! we are not alone! everything sucks, hey!

i will figure out a way to end this on a lighter note now, because the bulk of what had to be said has been, and what should have been said never will be.

is there even a lighter note?

xxoo
zélie