so. hello. technically this is my first post here; though it won’t appear that way shortly, when i import my blog archives from faithful sugarette dot net which i’ve run for years, which will link to here until it expires, and then i won’t renew it. (i will be archiving certain posts from that site – this one may not be adult only, like that was. it has pros and cons.)

i won’t be renewing much. i have a focus on healing.

the piece of flawed but beautiful carnelian on my table supports this idea, as i hold the cool stone and feel my mind work on developing more ways to be mindful, in the moment, to cope, to stay present – an act of compassion, to quote a paid secret quote i therefore can’t credit… but it is. oh, it is. oh, and compassion fatigue is so real!

i can’t wait to truly be in my fresh start.

so here i am, writing on a pink background (new!) and reminding you all that i spend most of my time on my discord, accessible multiple ways but mainly through pledging to my patreon each month, but also even more so now that i deleted (no, not deactivated) my facebook account.

a friend already asked if i’d blocked them! i hope my friends read this blog. look at this site. my space i’m carving out for myself in the internet, my warm and cozy pink home that certain toxins aren’t allowed into.

maybe they’ll come anyways. the things are sticky, sticky little stalkers. there are more than i thought! they vary in toxicity. i refer, of course, to actual people stalking me. ugh!

i am editing a video, so perhaps soon that will happen.

i feel compelled to tell you all that NAMI published my writing in a newsletter, or that my photography has been published in a book twice, or that i’m in kitty’s afterglow music video, and more, but despite my confessional honesty i hold off.

soon i will tell a story i have needed to tell for a while. but for now, i rest.

i am somewhat proud of this site’s url, at least, in that it keeps me happy and is easy to remember. my signature color, only a few words…surely it can be done.

…and i feel that i should break up my mass of text with some picture, or video, but i think no such video exists so a picture it must be, a new one, but then the pressure is mounting and we all know that my mental abilities are not what they used to be. in this circumstance i panic and break down. today, i had to make phone calls, so i couldn’t.

and, oh, there is the proof that i have deleted my account for good. we will see if i hold out 30 days… i feel very cut off, but i suspect that i shall.

it is like lancing a boil, to quote a friend. painful and necessary.

here is a picture of me recently after dyeing my hair, strands still slightly damp.

i am wearing my britney spears hoodie, which, like most of my items of clothing that i possess, is covered in coffee stains. oh well! maybe it just means i live a richer, fuller life; or maybe it means i am afraid of going into my laundry room alone.

and it’s not like it doesn’t come with memories of fucking my ex on top of the dryer, too.

sorry, tmi?

so i added purple to my hair, and i think i’ll do the rest pinker, though it is already. pinker, that is. i coated the ends with a pale pink dye. i think i will go slightly more dramatic when i dye over it. i will then continue to shampoo my hair with expensive kerastase shampoo, and do semi-frequent olaplex 3 treatments, that i once made entertainment…tv…videos…whatever out of.

i sit here, not sure how to deal with the pressure headache and mounting medical physical and psychological symptoms that exist within my being. but, oh, i don’t know! anything! that isn’t true, but i went back to school after medically withdrawing twice, and within a few weeks had to email my advisor again saying that i struggle so with my disabilities that i am not ready for school. she’s kind, but i still feel shame. and yes, i am 28.

what are you? does it matter; you, the reader. lurking about to read about my life! well, you’re welcome for the entertainment or whatever pleasure you gain from my candid honesty.

i am overwhelmed.

xoxo
zélie