i was watching a youtube video about brittany murphy with the quote “she knew how to be vulnerable without being the victim, somehow.” here’s the video i’m sure you can find it somewhere in there. it hit me close to home. i realized some things, though i don’t know what yet… they’re half-realized, and i am practically brain damaged according to how i feel.
perhaps i try too hard to numb the shit in order to cope.
perhaps.
okay, probably.
drinking red bulls and imbibing other substances, let’s see. who cares. okay.
here are some photos and videos, none of which are extremely recent/relevant, but here some of them are i guess?
i love my blocked list…so complete for the moment… perhaps one day i will post my facebook blocked list!this knife that once belonged to my ex has since been destroyed by a guy i have been seeing.
and here are the youtube videos:
and there they are. we’ll see until the morning.
xoxo zélie
ps reminder to take any medications you may be prescribed
…you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t), i covered i’ll make a man out of you from the original mulan movie:
and since i started with my most recent video, let’s work backwards through any others i’ve published since then:
okay, fair warning, i’ve made a lot of videos since i’ve written a blog post…
so what’s been up with me? well, i had my heart broken, by my ex, who claims he never broke up with me and who i have no recollection of breaking up with, but who is still my ex for some reason. funny how things work like that; like heartbreak. choking you.
i took and scanned and took more photos, but those, or most of those, are for later. i suppose i’ll share some scanned instaxes of me in a britney spears hoodie at the local lake;
more to share later.
for now, i return to my regularly scheduled mental breakdown.
write something, write anything. well, not anything. almost anything.
x
just try to write.
i talk, i can barely write. i can barely talk! i think i’m falling apart.
what does one do when one is falling apart at the seams? seams i created, mostly myself, over the years.
well. the instax and youtube updates. then is any more blogging even possible? we’ll see.
x
apparently not.
x
so, the youtube videos? it has been days since i began writing this post. i may as well include them now.
OKAY I JUST LOOKED AND THERE’S A LOT GET READY…
this one is blocked in some countries…
whew! okay so, as you can tell, i’ve lately been favoring video as a medium over writing blog posts. some poetry comes out, to be hidden away in notebooks that i may or may not one day show the internet. that’s a boundary i’m allowed to set!
i’m going to be in kitty’s afterglow music video (which i will of course post here!), both the sfw and nsfw versions. the sfw version will be out on her youtube and the nsfw version will be out on her onlyfans page! which is totally free to subscribe to. they’re both really cute and full of beautiful female-identifying babes and i can’t wait for you to see them…!
i have so much footage to edit. almost no space. gosh! i got a vpn. is that something you’re supposed to give away online? i’m not sure; oh well. i got it for safety with my swork.
but unfortunately, now i want many other things like cherry branches to decorate my bed with. if you click the link on the side to see more lists and under apartment, sure enough, there are fake beautiful cherry branches with blossoms to display and hang.
i have pictures, but like, mostly later? i don’t want to overwhelm you. maybe i just need to casually (CASUALLY) blog more.
i haven’t posted on zelie.tv much but, well, this is pretty casual too. anyways.
i’ve also been active on twitter, and tiktok, and instagram, i guess. i won’t link all of those as self care – it is 8:28am est and i’m only one coffee deep into my morning routine. i need at least one more before i’m fully awake!
i guess when i can write, i can write, huh? i never was good at being concise. is that okay with blogging? i feel like it’s okay with blogging.
yesterday i saw another sworker with a spotless room with multiple juiced up computers and led strip lighting only, and i was just… i was so jealous of that setup. i think i officially reached nerd status. don’t tell anyone.
well, time to get some coffee, because my morning wake & baking gives me dry mouth.
x
okay, i started the kettle for my french press. i’m too tired to clean a reusable keurig cup, and i don’t have any disposable ones on hand.
tw blood:
dermatillomania
i also pulled out half of the eyelashes on my left eye. the outer ones. they’re slowly, slowly growing in, and i’m using a liquid eyeliner from sephora that doubles as a dark lash glue as it dries, to wear a cut strip of falsies on my “bald spot” every day.
that picture was from before that. here, have one where you can see, if you wish:
before i plucked out one quarter more of my eyelashes on that side
i hate it so much! but ocd does what ocd does. i made a picture about it actually, adapted from an adhd meme i saw on twitter;
i guess a personal blog is supposed to be mostly about yourself, right? and i haven’t been blogging…? i just feel awfully conceited right now. i suppose i am interesting, and have some fine content, at least.
um. what else! not that i really need to flesh this post out any more, it’s plenty long. i just want to give you all the important updates! i have exciting other news i can’t share. reasons to live though!!!
you can’t tell here, but half of my hair is blue right now.
that’s all for now. i’ll post later maybe, eh? subscribe by email if you haven’t already! it’s free! you’ll get updates in your email inbox… idk, sounds good to me. i will post as much as i like and you will be the recipient for as long as you read my blog. thank you for reading my blog, i truly do appreciate it.
they’re all covers….oops. a vlog soon. a birthday/hair vlog, hopefully.
now, here, have some instax high resolution scans. i cleaned two of these photos thoroughly first!
my 28th birthday cake, bought for the purpose of sitting on, was yellow cake, with strawberries & strawberry jam filling (2 layer) and also buttercream frosting in addition to the writing on the cake! it’s delicious.
i scanned some other things, but they are not mine so i will not share them (for now? forever?)
my hair is very cute, split blue and pink neon extensions. oh well; anyways.
i’m tired. i have MAYBE an hour before my med nurse gets here for my appointment.
xoxo zélie thorn
PS: i also have a brand new website that i’m working on, zelie dot tv
more updated youtube (and tiktoks, but you’ll have to find those yourself):
i keep dissociating; bad for finishing dehydrated. i think i have to delay releasing the album of mostly covers i haven’t even mentioned yet. so no august 1st. i’ll update you all soon on that, in case you care.
i’m so tired. i need my morning coffee.
x
perhaps a second morning coffee.
x
perhaps i will release a lo-fi album that i won’t take seriously, and a book of self-published poems, and go to college, and work, and more, but perhaps not. i am twenty seven years old.
this is the obligatory part of the post where i explain that it is my twenty-eighth birthday in nine days, and that my amazon wishlist link can be found here, because i get to post that occasionally, like right before my birthday.
i am bleaching and dyeing my hair soon. probably not today.
my friend Alexis made me as a sim. realistic, no?
i don’t know what to write. it’s not writers’ block, i think, it is a deep tiredness that echoes through my being and attitude towards life.
you can also send me money for my birthday as a donation: paypal.me/zelie
sorry if i seem desperate, it’s because, well, i am.
