a spoonful of peanut butter is kind of, almost, not quite but basically like a meal when you’re depressed

When you’re really depressed, sometimes you wander through to your kitchen in search of food to appease your now audibly rumbling stomach, you stare vacantly at pasta for too long before deciding it requires too much motivation, and you eventually decide on the best thing for your low energy yet somehow possibly still unable to sleep body, peanut butter. Crunchy or smooth, I don’t think it matters, which is probably a sentence that is also blasphemy.

Sometimes you eat the leftover jelly donut munchkins in a box on your pillow while you blog about eating an option as healthy and nutritious as peanut butter.

Okay, so it’s got a bunch of fats, and peanuts aren’t the best nut for your health, but those fats combined with the proteins in it? That’s two food groups right there. That’s almost impressive. Get spoon, take big spoonful, close jar, proceed to eat spoonful. Interrupt to get a drink probably, but finish that spoonful! You just had a not insignificant amount of calories (calories = energy) and nutrition put into your body!

My mom told me once that you can survive for ~three weeks on apples and peanut butter. I’m not sure if that’s true. A good blogger would have researched. I’m not a good blogger.

Anyways my depressed non-peanut-allergic readers! Eat a big ol’ spoonful of peanut butter tonight. You deserve it (you may need it.)


putting vodka in your coffee for your ptsd

Three truths.

One: I started drinking vodka in my coffee at 1pm today.
Two: I tweeted at least five times in a row on my private twitter about very personal, sad things and am probably going to lose some followers on that account.
Three: I watched most of Jessica Jones episode one (give me a break RE: not finishing an episode, I can’t watch long things easily), cried at her PTSD scenes, and noted to get something to memorize and list when things get bad in my head.
It’s a technique I’ve seen used before, but only when I saw a tumblr post quoting Hick by Andrea Portes, which I have not read in full, but that section which I saw and read made me cry. Me crying is a regular and frequent thing, but also not insignificant.
I feel like I’m going to vomit. The lines between my PTSD and BPD and myriad of other super fun (sarcasm) diagnoses is a blurry mess but here I am, surviving and writing about it, and how I cope with it. Hopefully this helps someone, whether it be with coping or with feeling less alone in their struggles.
Alcohol, and other substances are one way, but I’m certainly not going to advocate for them as a means of coping with PTSD. They’re really just an escape in that sense, no good in the long run and not healing at all, no matter what some cute stoner bro with long hair says to you about certain psychedelics…they aren’t my area of expertise, but I find one thing that really helps (I’ll go over this again later) is staying present. Not easy with PTSD! It makes such a difference though, especially if you are prone to dissociation (like I am.) Substances are nice, like I confessed above I drank vodka in my coffee because I just didn’t know what else to do, but that doesn’t mean I want to endorse it. It’s definitely not one of my healthier habits, or even one I utilize frequently (also– be careful mixing alcohol and certain medications. Just be careful, okay?)
So here is how I do cope, listed neat, concise and tidy as I am capable of for those who don’t want to read my rambling above from that time (today) that I wrote and almost certainly posted this piece without editing it beforehand, because that feels ??? right now:
  1. I just mentioned this, but it is so important. Stay present. Be mindful. However you wanna phrase it, this is free, and it’s some good stuff – meaning it will most likely be very helpful for you if you have PTSD or BPD. Practice focusing on something and only that something for a bit of time every day. It doesn’t have to be yoga or meditation, although I’m looking into both since I’ve heard they’re so helpful to many and I want to write about them (and help myself get better of course!) You can also learn how to do this in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), which is offered through many service providers as a group therapy or in other forms, and worst case scenario, there are books and workbooks that I use and find helpful that are good for mindfulness, like this one.
  2. Trauma dreams are a thing. High quality essential oils can be very helpful, especially lavender. I like using lavender oil in a diluted dose on my pillow to help ward off nightmares – currently specifically this lavender and chamomile pillow spray with essential oils to help soothe and calm me at night, and to avoid unnecessary trauma nightmares. I am looking into purchasing a therapeutic grade essential oil set with lavender and also a humidifier/oil diffuser to help relax me during the day with water and a few drops of lavender oil or other oil blends, too – updates on those techniques coming because I haven’t tried them yet.
  3. Eating sour candy or spicy food to help with dissociation. Remember to focus on the flavor, even if it’s unpleasant, and to ground yourself with the sensation of the flavor and its intensity.
  4. Journaling and writing things down. Get yourself a nice journal and writing utensil that you’re hopefully even excited to use but at least feel good about using, and write regularly about your life to help keep track of things. I write down everything I absolutely need to remember, because if I do not, I will definitely forget it. Journaling is helpful with dissociation and feeling like you haven’t done nothing over long periods of time – look back at everything you will have written in the future! I blog, too, you can even try that….I hear it’s pretty cool.
  5. This is similar to the above coping technique, but taking pictures of things that are part of your life – and they don’t have to be fancy dslr ones like mine, they can be phone pictures – helps me to stay present and focused on a task, and most importantly, to remember what things I did and when. I don’t do this every day, but whenever I do, I find it so helpful.
Hopefully that short list with some (but not all) of PTSD coping techniques will help someone out there, even to feel less alone.

informal post: on self diagnosis and personality disorders before age 18

I’m literally just going to copy and paste this from tumblr. Cool? Cool.

why you shouldn’t self-dx* PDs before age 18 & why they don’t diagnose PDs before 18

so because of the way + rate at which the brain develops, which is not fully done before the early to mid 20s, & also PDs in general only becoming apparent when adults who have them are thrown into situations where they have to use life skills they may have never developed or developed “incorrectly”, it is impossible to actually diagnose any personality disorder – officially or unofficially via self-dxing – before the brain has developed to the point it is at when someone reaches ~age 18. before that the PD symptoms may be hidden by the living situation and would not have developed fully.
if you’re feeling blue because the label of a PD helped you, an under 18 year old […], feel less alone, more understood, or something else positive? i’ve never had to self-dx thus far, but the medical terminology they used on my hospital discharge summary sheet for my for axis II** diagnosis when i was under 18 was “cluster B traits”.
this meant i was more likely than others to develop a cluster B personality disorder (as i was, and did) due to symptomatic behavior indicative of one. despite it being somewhat obvious that i was at high risk for developing BPD i didn’t have a cluster B PD until after age 18. even though many of my symptoms were the same. they have also changed as my brain continued to develop part of the diagnostic criteria for any personality disorder is to be over the age of 18 years old.
*self-diagnose: i support self-diagnosis in most cases due to the inability so many have to maintain their livelihoods with a mental health diagnosis or several, the inability so many have to access affordable local healthcare, and the trauma many have survived at the hands of the incredibly flawed medical system creating an understandable fear of returning for treatment, etc.
**axis II is where personality disorders and mental retardation get put as diagnoses, unlike for example thought disorders such as schizophrenia or mood disorders such as bipolar, which would go into axis I. but talking about all that is probably for another post


new dslr


Several months ago my dslr (fancy digital camera) stopped working in ways I need it to. It was very sad, very bad timing, and left me without a coping technique I rely heavily on – photography – for months. I have had a lot of other intense things going on, too, for a while now. It has made it very hard to update. I feel like I am trying to pick up pieces of my life from the floor amongst other junk and with my impaired cognitive functioning. It’s so difficult. This is because of not having that creative outlet, and other things, mostly other things.

However, one huge problem has been solved! With the help of several generous financial contributions and my own terrible money saving skills, I have bought a new dslr! It is beautiful and came with 0 shutter count and I’m almost even happy about something for once…!

That’s all for today. Hopefully I can update you all some more soon