obsessions and/or compulsions and i’m suddenly more disordered
well, not officially, until i get the test at least
but i’m not sure why i think about suicide 3 times an hour without wanting to or
why damp food on hard ceramic plates under cold water feels like it burns or
why i can’t stop physically removing parts of myself in calculated ways

i got to know parts of my body that i never was supposed to,
searching to become clean
for a long time i obsessively thought about setting myself on fire
my username some places is still immolation
but i only wanted to burn the impure out, not die

and the compulsions to…i can’t tell you, because my brain just shut off
but as soon as i’ve restarted i’m forced to know again how
the door handle has to be turned right; to check that it was locked
i know i put the key in and turned it but i’d sooner die than leave without
turning that damned handle one more damned time and oh i don’t know letting my cats die

i obsess over suicide, i obsess over weight, i self-hate like i’m paid to do it
at a good rate, and i do the things, the things i don’t talk about much,
and i do them until it hurts and i’m sort of kind of almost clean
then i don’t talk about them of course because i feel guilty
i guess i can say i’m so fucking ocd now because i can’t stop obsessively thinking about having ocd

before you come for me with the pitchforks and fire, or the wrong size bandaids,
remember how i blinked at every pole we drove past and didn’t stop when we passed a fence and i
gave myself a headache blinking so fast so much (or whatever)
i intricately research suicide methods because i can’t imagine not knowing everything about it
i document moments because i can’t imagine living without memories, and ones were taken from me

so here i am, self-made victim and so “poor me”, except maybe i actually
was built wrong then abused and raped and bullied and made so broken, pushed down smaller
my arthritic joints were ground down and my muscles eaten away for sustenance
and here i am, creative and once-brilliant, even, but then again not really here any more
so i guess it’s both good and bad that i’m feeling incredibly bitter