i used to scream, ferociously, any time i wanted

well, i made another video for youtube, so here’s the obligatory sharing of it:

i shared this one much faster than normal! be proud! no, really. i’m doing terribly.

today i medically withdrew from college for the 2nd time and i also texted my therapist for a referral to an online (thanks covid-19?) partial hospitalization course that i kind of, uh, need, to survive. but i am safe. i am doing it. things might be okay.

so i guess this is where avoiding the hospital has left me.

i don’t know! things are just so hard; i swear i’m trying.

i have good news, too. x2. i can’t share the latter, but the first part is that i am going to be in kitty‘s music video for her song afterglow, on her charm & mirror ep. kit has been one of my favs since like, 2011.

there will be a sfw and nsfw version; both coming out on 8/26/20. i am in both.

the sfw one will be available to view for free on kitty’s youtube, and the nsfw one will be available to view for free on her onlyfans page! also free! so check out those links; i’m super excited.

still struggling with pictures. perhaps i should edit some, soon? it might make me feel better.

smoking weed (oui’d) is keeping me sane, ish. it medicates my pain. when the available alternative that’d work is opioids/opiates, you really can’t complain about me being an embarrassing stoner.

the title of this post, is, of course, lyrics from taylor swift’s song seven. in case you needed to be told. oh! here is a picture:

my art wall
and here is me in kitty’s upcoming afterglow video, which i will of course share when it comes out!

that’s all for now.


when education and health conflict

Okay. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to write about this, so that’s what I am doing. I’m dropping out. I’m a college drop out.

I’ve been told I shouldn’t say that, that I should emphasize the medical withdrawal aspect of my leaving college so soon after attempting to start it, or that I plan to go back and it’s really just a “hiatus”…but here’s the thing. Not everyone has that luxury. Many really simply do drop out and there is no way to sugarcoat it. So many of them for mental health reasons, and so many of them feeling so alone.

I get to sugarcoat my situation if I want, because I do plan on going back, and I do have medical documentation supporting my need to not be at college right now, but honestly? Why should I. I am technically dropping out, dropping all of my classes. I am dropping out of college; I am a college dropout. Currently, yes, but for the next year at minimum, too. On top of that, when so many feel so alone, why would I phrase it on my blog in any but the most helpful terms to others? Why not let those who couldn’t leave for documented medical reasons relate to my story? Okay, cool. Let’s move on.

The day I got my medical withdrawal form from my college, and went to the bookstore to return my books only to discover that I had just missed them and they were closed, I took a short video. I posted it to (my private personal) instagram and captioned it with something about dropping out or medically withdrawing, allowing it to post to facebook dot com, the site where the people who see what you post already know you.

Here’s a gif made from that video and slowed down:

impressive, i know, except jk, obviously

On that exact facebook post of the instagram video, I got a minimal outpouring (can an outpouring be minimal?) of support. One comment especially stood out to me, because it was from someone I had met at college just recently and only just become friends with. They told me that education is important, but health is more important.

I might write more about my poor current health and why I can’t be in college right now at a later date, but at the moment all I can do is hold on. So you get that sentiment, which isn’t even mine, because it helped my heart be a little closer to at peace with my dropping out (for now). I’m a little more at peace with the fact that I had to sign a piece of paper declaring my dream of graduating from college with a degree given up on, for now and until further notice. I’ve waited 6 years to be ready for higher education, but the truth is, my physical and especially mental health are poor right now. My symptoms are extremely severe. I didn’t think my BPD would get this bad again. It is. Here I am. Not ready for college, and not forcing myself to go, because I need to heal and recover. I need to focus on my health.