oh no it’s march almost april

and no blog posts yet??? this means worsening depression! who can blame me; i am self-quarantining. well. the answer is always someone but a n y w a y s it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

things are changing, and it may matter. it’s hard (hard!) for me to know, to convey, to truly & fully understand, and to trust, oh gosh to trust my own brain… but the thing is, i will update my site to reflect any personal updates asap. i will also update you all when i am done with that! maybe not here. maybe on twitter. but who cares. who cares! oh you do? i am genuinely so sorry but i am oh so sick in a non-covid-19 way (as far as i know) so let’s just keep going okay.

i’m not manic i swear. i have my reasons to act whatever way i might at any given moment.

right now, and this is unrelated, my facebook friend wants scorpions for their animal crossing switch town. i highly respect that, despite not owning a switch or a switch lite (coughiwouldlikeonethocough)… also isolation is something i am used to, but it still hurts when increased, and of course, quarantine hits different when you live alone on your lease.

i have more videos? if i recall correctly? i will insert them below; you may peruse as you like.

that is so many! who knew i was capable of such output!!!

i guess that’d be an adequate blog post, for a day, if i were done talking. so i can stop at any point really; what freedom!

so let’s not sugarcoat it – we are in a pandemic, my president is an idiotic racist idiot (yes, saying idiot twice was in fact necessary)… it’s sunday, so there’s no mail, but that’s okay, because i’m trying to stay indoors, i GUESS. also my cats are fine, so there, you have the most important updates!

well.

there’s more.

i’m out of coffee, right now (this is bad). can you think past the moment – not under normal circumstances, but right now? i certainly can’t. maybe it’s the 3mg of klonopin i put in my body every day, or one or several of my many overdoses, but i can’t quite use my brain right any more. i even consider [redacted], for lucidity! well!!!

anyways,

coffee is wonderful, even with all its anxieties and tachycardia risks. it is a beautiful thing. i do love to caffeinate. but i, sir, madam, or super computer (that was a kero kero bonito reference idk), am an addict, tied by invisible but strong twine to the sweet, sweet, but more realistically bitter, bitter caffeine molecule. i knew a girl named laura once, i suppose we are still friends. we bonded so well for a short time! life is like that sometimes. she wore a caffeine molecule necklace (to be fair; this was early 2013, and in 2009 i wore a plastic moustachio necklace from hot topic every damn day, so,). she asked me to unfasten it; it had been stuck for weeks, she said. i tried. i failed. her skin was warm, not cold with circulation problems and soft elasticity like mine. not that she has rough skin – just, you know, average healthy skin.

i don’t have an ehlers-danlos diagnosis and am certainly not getting a professional one from a new rheumatologist in the middle of a pandemic’s beginnings at its almost-epicenter country in any timely manner! but that’s okay (because it has to be, of course!)

i do, in fact, meet the diagnostic criteria, through known means that includes a self-administered beighton test.

lately the self harm urges are back. trigger warning: self harm, but my box cutter looks awfully appealing sometimes lately, and i also enjoy entertaining the thought of continuing my watch-thru of 13 reasons why, to self-trigger, a show that i self-triggered with the night that i overdosed on amitriptyline early the next am (i attribute my actions largely to that show)…

there’s more, so much more, but we have time, so much time, don’t we?

xoxo

olaplex and chill update and the italian comics i remember from my youth

the title is referencing olaplex and chill orders of business, which i’ll get into soon, such as this video:

the title is also referencing some comic books i bought (or, my mom bought, technically, since i was 13) on my second trip to italy. i haven’t flown in years, but it used to be a regular thing for me.

sabrina is being cute. what’s new.

i couldn’t read the comics – i don’t speak fluent italian – but i was very into manga at the time, in fact that was perhaps my peak year of being Interested In Manga, so i loved it and read it and looked at the pictures in it. i was reminded of this by this video on youtube.

i also am so tired, but when am i not. i try not to nap so much! i swear i try!

i got a small amount of money, and placed a sugarpill order, with afterpay. old habits die hard. anyways it will be paid off within a month and a half. i bought the “fun size” palette, finally, and lumi, and ghosted, and trinket, and more! the little twin stars liquid lipstick set was on sale for $6. six dollars.

okay, so i have more shopping issues arriving to unbox. that’s okay, for now. i just have to face the consequences later like any decent person. i also have been fastidiously recording myself opening every package, even the ones i didn’t purchase, for months now, but the footage is mostly unedited…

1/366

so, yes, also, if you read the tiny photo caption, you know that i am doing 365days again. that was day one. i guess i’ll post them here – where else, since i deleted my flickr?

day two has more photos. i couldn’t choose. day one is a diptych but day two is a damned arrangement.

many of those technically are not eligible to be 365days photos, because they do not feature me at all and are not a self portrait. also, some are good, but some… are bad.

day 3:

day 4:

day 5 has been shot but i haven’t imported/edited/can’t upload it. yet.

so i’m trying. a year (a leap year!) of not being hospitalized. i’ll try my best. i hate the hospital anyways. they are not at all trauma-informed, which is ironic given what the environment is. of course, i refer to psychological trauma. yes, even the psych wards. yes, i would know.

i have goals! finally! i mean, i replaced my desire to die around 30 a la Sylvia Plath with a desire to [redacted] a [redacted] by that time. more later? perhaps! hopefully! definitely! oh well – i’ll hold myself accountable. i want to self-publish a poetry book. my mom referred to that as “vanity publishing” but things are different these days with ebooks on amazon and whatnot. i also want physical copies; print on demand. i know that means i’ll take a smaller %. i am broke and it is worth it to me to have a physical product. it is not about the money for me.

would i say no to success? absolutely not, but i also never (ever) expect it.

i will need a poetry editor, and an illustrator, at least. but? that comes later.

perhaps first i’ll self-pub a zine. perhaps not. who knows! the world is full of possibilities! it’s terrifying!

i’m trying, trying; i’ve been trying.
i miss the smith botanical gardens. i must go back. i must vlog it! lol.

anyways.

i guess that’s plenty for the day. even though it’s 4:12am. no promises on my next post (later/eventually/too long from now) because i post: whenever i feel like. a new rule! probably often. oops.

xoxo

trying

“i’m trying
“you’re very trying”

sabrina

x

truth be told, i’ve taken days to write this – it’s been sitting open in a tab, even as my toned hair soaked up light purple (or lilac, or lavender) hair dye. girls night by arctic fox.

i swear, i am trying.

new hair color

so, the major updates, or oobs, if you will:

  • my hair is purple as aforementioned and seen above
  • i owe more in debt than ever, especially thanks to my canon g7x mark ii which i purchased with credit but do not regret
  • um, i am doing a no-buy year to change my psychology (more details will be on my youtube soon)
  • my mom threatened very seriously to cut me out of her life financially but then changed her mind. (i would not have enough to pay my BILLS lol)
  • i have a boyfriend who i want to fairly impulsively marry but idk if that’s happening ever lol
  • up 1mg klonopin dosage. destigmatizing the medications.
  • going outside = panic
  • why did the mailman have to give me his number? it made me afraid of my favorite part of the day
  • i vlog more than i can edit
  • i upload less than i edit
  • i don’t need to say everything, not yet
big hair, bigger mood swings

that’ll be all for now

xoxo

new dslr

hi!

Several months ago my dslr (fancy digital camera) stopped working in ways I need it to. It was very sad, very bad timing, and left me without a coping technique I rely heavily on – photography – for months. I have had a lot of other intense things going on, too, for a while now. It has made it very hard to update. I feel like I am trying to pick up pieces of my life from the floor amongst other junk and with my impaired cognitive functioning. It’s so difficult. This is because of not having that creative outlet, and other things, mostly other things.

However, one huge problem has been solved! With the help of several generous financial contributions and my own terrible money saving skills, I have bought a new dslr! It is beautiful and came with 0 shutter count and I’m almost even happy about something for once…!

That’s all for today. Hopefully I can update you all some more soon

xoxo

some pictures for you people to look at

I’ve been avoiding posting. How silly is that? I’ve attached anxiety to weird things, and made life worse for myself that way before, but I refuse to let myself develop anxiety around blogging. It has been helpful and an outlet in the past, and I have all too few things like that, so I’m posting. I’m posting because the more I do a thing I get anxious about, the less anxious I tend to get about it over time. It’s painful and sucky, and I hate that life works that way (for me at least), but it totally does. So here I am, blogging.

I have a LOT of photos to share – it’s part of why I’m anxious. It’s kind of overwhelming, and what if my DSL internet (I always joke about how slow it is with my friends) goes down for a bit and uploading all those photos at once fails? I have a ridiculously obvious solution – the fact that it took me this long to seriously consider it probably says something about my reduced brain function due to malnutrition – I’m gonna upload the photos in multiple posts, so I can do them in batches.

I’m gonna post a bunch of the photos here in this post, too! First of all, here is one single photo from October 2011, because I found an old little memory card with a bunch of photos on it. Some of them are dreamy, but I literally have only edited one and really looked at a few of the photos so far, so here’s the one I edited already – maybe I will share more in another post another time.

Yep, I have my fall of 2011 undercut and everything. I also don’t have my early 2012 solar system arm tattoo yet! Exciting things are in picture Zelie’s near future.

I also have a lot of more recent photos to share from much more recently.

Well, there you go! I might’ve captioned some of them another day, but today I think that’s all you get. I’ve napped, like, all day and I’m still tired.

xoxo,
Zelie

P.S.: I am having problems publishing this post and I am not happy about this. I want to go back to drinking too much coffee and worrying about my hair.

P.P.S.: OK, I think I solved the problem. Hopefully this will post now! Ignore my rambling, basically.