and i write write write, and i write write write

okay. let us deal with the probable elephant in the room; yes i am misquoting the kitty cat dance dance dance song (that’s definitely, uh, its official name.) i once had a shirt that was based on that video, aptly purchased at hot topic circa 2008 or 2009

i would post the picture right now, but it will take some time. i suppose i will hunt for it anyways. still, my flickr is deleted. my photo folders are unorganized. digging i go!

that took less time than i thought. perhaps 10 minutes. though the shirt is hard to see…

so now i sit and sip hot (warm) coffee, with milk, because [redacted] was so kind as to buy me some more during this pandemic and drop it off at my apartment, with a mask on, of course.

i’ve been struggling, with a lot of things, of course, one of them being the feeling of being unproductive, though i am depressed and chronically invisibly mentally & physically ill and my creative output is still rather immense, considering all of that.

see, i know this logically, but emotionally, it doesn’t stick. things are always that way in my head. bpd symptom number whatever.

so here are some more photos, old ones, to start (sort of) at the beginning (my beginnings with a basic point-and-shoot camera, anyways), because i have no clue where else i’d start… well, i do, but… unimportant!

in 2008, i believe, possibly late 2008, i deleted my year’s worth of flickr content and “started fresh.” those two photos were two of the first i ever uploaded, following that.

the eiffel tower & myself

other old pictures are harder to find – this is old, sure, but not the first photo i uploaded during my golden era of flickr dot com, which was titled “godiva had more hair than me” and captioned, ‘cut it all off.”

there are recent images, too.

eye makeup. quarantine haircut. arctic fox hair dye in frose.

i must admit, i overlined my lips with a charlotte tilbury lipliner there. (pillow talk, of course!)

yes! i have animal crossing new horizons! have i written about it on here yet? i can’t recall and i don’t have the spoons to check! with that said, i must thank beth for buying me the game and also a coral pink switch lite which i love dearly.

well, that’s all for today. i’m considering substack, but i think i’d have to be dramatic and upheave things by deleting my facebook or something. we’ll see.

xxoo

cake ingredients

i am not sure when exactly i started to evolve

into a newer, worse monster
more like my dad, i guess.
in words that aren’t mine: dna, like cake ingredients
out of order just makes a mess
or it can be in order. that’s from my mom, and it’s true
how do controlling people find time for
each other’s interests when they barely have time for their own?
i’m not sure they ever should have met to begin with
i truly want to kill the beast inside me
but the only way i know how
is by taking myself out, too. and that, is not allowed?
not by my standards, just by others’
i care most about my xena, who meows incessantly
when i go to the hospital or the doctor for a single half hour
i pushed someone important away once or ten people maybe for misinterpreting a gesture
who’s to say i won’t do it again
i’m quite likely to, especially if it comes free with self-sabotage
and who am i? besides that saccharine mess on the floor
of flour and eggs and rainbow sprinkles
but also blood and broken glass from breaking the mixing bowl
i’m no cake, but i suppose i’m not a monster either,
at least not on the outside.
still, who would know better than myself whether i exist only to depart

olaplex and thrill pre-halloween personal update

hi,

I don’t know how to go about writing this post. I am planning on making a new wordpress dot com account soon. That will be a more personal space. This space, sugarette dot net, I consider to be partly yours, too – if you are neurodivergent or chronically ill, or disabled.

TW SUICIDE in this post

It’s weird seeing that I wrote that I’m safe on september 9th, because two days later I made my most serious suicide attempt yet. I originally wrote “so far” but I don’t want to do that any more. I may want to, but I won’t, because after being intubated and unconscious for over 24 hours, and seeing how much I scared some people, and watching yet more people walk out of my life as a result, I don’t want to do that again. Not for myself, but so that I do not hurt others.

I don’t mean to hurt others. I don’t want to hurt others. To be selfish, I must admit it hurts me to hurt others. I am constantly hurting because of the hurt of others. I feel too hard.

I started making videos about mental health, like I’ve been meaning to for literal years.

Here are the first three of my Olaplex and Chill series, which are already published on my youtube. I have other videos, but for this blog, these three seem the most relevant, at least right now.

Olaplex and Chill 1:

Olaplex and Chill 2:

Olaplex and Chill 3:

It is the third one in the series in which I address my most recent suicide attempt. I put trigger warnings in all of my videos before triggering content.

The Olaplex and Chill concept is simple, I shower and apply olaplex to my hair (which you are welcome to subsidize the cost of by sending sephora.com e-giftcards to zelie at zelie dot co so that I can purchase olaplex for videos more easily), then while it repairs my hair I sit and talk to my camera. I “chill”. It’s obviously a play on “netflix and chill”, which I enjoy, because both first words end in X and both last words are “chill”…obviously.

I can’t afford the adobe suite right now, since my promotional intro period price ended, so I cancelled my subscription. I have a week long free trial to use to edit video footage, and then I have to find the best open source video editing software for me.

I’m not going to address that aforementioned suicide attempt in much detail in writing right now – I’m not ready.

I titled this blog post partially “olaplex and thrill” for halloween/samhain. I am taking my wicca more seriously, so to me it is samhain. My spirituality does a lot to help my mental health. I am taking steps to try to help my mental health get better. It is so bad! I am safe, but of course now, here, that means nothing.

Things are bad. The political climate is scary – terrifying, even. I have gone numb, despite my best efforts. I stopped looking at the news. I have not stopped caring, but for the most part (very much mostly but not entirely) the fire inside of me that burns to help others is being overshadowed by a great burdensome need to take care of myself and my body.

I have a new handle. @zeliethorn . I have a new twitter and the same instagram at a new link and the same thing applies to my tumblr page. I will be updating the links on this page momentarily to reflect any changes since they were last updated.

I hope to make videos about coping, soon. I hope to cope, myself, soon.

xoxo
Z

chaotic, impulsive, a mess

the thing about my cosmic ability to destroy
is that when i leave, something beautiful happens
(from ash sprouts life)
and again, within a short time, they are blossoming
just not ever while i am there.

when i take with my hands and allow
what is worn to crumble away
(suddenly the edges feel new)
i am too much and i burn too much, but i burn off decay
it is only after my hurt that some things can ripen.

i am so very lonely, even as i leave beauty behind me
change is unpleasant and nobody likes my habits
(i learned this at a young age)
so i try to destroy something i was never supposed to
i singe my own self – starting at the corners and joints.