editing videos to be seen after the end of the world

aliens find me, declare me a genius! jk. but anyways.

i turned 29, was harassed again on my birthday (but thankfully didn’t see it until the next day), and so on and so forth. does it matter? (yes.)

i put a lot of work into my website lately, setting up zeyspace and zelie.tv which is currently terrible but will one day look good. i love relearning/learning new html and css!

when i haven’t been setting up small web webpages, i have been doing other things. i have some workbooks, but especially my art and writing have been calling to me lately.

sometimes, i even edit a video, but that’s infrequent, kind of. i’ve been working on editing the same vlog for weeks.

someone, i assume my harasser, keeps trying to get into my accounts. trés annoying!

anyways, i am still here, still existing. i try to keep things under control in my mind. it’s hard.

i have been slowly buying components to construct, probably on video, an art deco halo crown like this! it will be made of zip ties, beads, and a headband. i will also use a glue gun and gold spray paint. i am very excited. today, my pony beads in star shapes arrived. soon, i will buy the spray paint.

i love a small arts and crafts project; or several in one!

it’s hard to talk when you know everything you say will be read by people. i have always tried to keep my audience small; deleting my tumblr again and again and reclaiming the “zelie” url, for starters, back around 2010 or 2011.

perhaps i know nothing.

does it matter? does anyone know anything? let’s be real here, no façade, put that away.

i am so depressed lately! functioning is hard, but i soldier on. my brain has started track 12: suicidal ideation on repeat again, but i’m fighting it and it’s working. it is a dull thumping, not the sharp sounds i heard as a teen and into my early 20s.

i identify as someone who is “almost 30” now, which makes sense, because i just turned 29. it’s weird. i’m not used to it, nor do i enjoy it, but i do wish to see how my saturn return impacts me.

everything starts to make more sense as i am finally able to gain emotional maturity at a faster speed thanks to those around me being positive influences rather than the deadweights or worse of my past.

i realize things about casey. i realize things about myself. i realize things about myself in relation to casey… my behavior while with him… i shudder, knowing i can never talk to him and help him understand why i behaved in certain ways that i regret.

realizing things about myself, in general, is arguably more important. i am very proud to announce that i have realized at least 1 or 2 insignificant things about myself since i spoke to you last – lol – but they add up.

i uploaded two covers (both bad) of wuthering heights by kate bush to my youtube. there they shall stay for the foreseeable future.

i uploaded other things, too. go check it out! it’s a fun time full of THIS IS FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.

but this blog i do want to be slightly more palatable than my youtube. i am not scaring away followers here, though the quantity occasionally alarms me, i wish to occasionally provide advice and at this point at least insight into my health problems. at worst i am vulnerable. at best i save lives.

i already know, i have been reached out to, for my blog and how it has touched people through this wild thing we call the internet… it is almost always a good feeling, especially the times when i’ve helped someone, and that happens somewhat regularly! i am very lucky! a lucky me indeed.

i have been listening to renegade by big red machine ft taylor swift a lot lately. i listen to songs until i am sick of them, except i rarely get sick of them. i covered it, but most importantly, i love it. here is the original:

yes, i remain a stereotype of a certain manic pixie white girl thing. panic pixie dream girl! as the brilliant leah, who i doubt reads this blog but who has been my dear friend for years, coined, as a term. she is smart, and BRAVE. i love her. she has overcome things in ways i am glad i may never have to. i have been an integral part of her life plot at times, but as she’s gained career success and i’ve become more engulfed in the adult industry and creating adult entertainment as a side gig, we eventually drifted apart (in some ways; in others we remain the same…? it’s alright, i guess. maybe part of being an adult). i will not name her in full in this post, out of respect for my friend or perhaps former friend, person who i am extremely fond of after many years.

this cover may actually be good, if you’re interested:

i was too afraid to cover that song for a very long time.

i also suggest this video, if you’re playing catch-up:

i probably posted it here on this blog already (hi, memory problems!), but it’s important, y’know?

i was right – it was the 1980s. in fact, it was last changed in the year 1989. so i was also correct when i mentioned that it was that long ago; ha! most importantly, please please support this bill.

i want to feel like a person, kind of, maybe? the borderline personality disorder causes chronic identity issues but it sure would help if i was allowed to get married without penalty or save more than a measly $2,000 TOTAL in ASSETS. yes. did you watch the video yet?

okay. good.

are you hydrated? go get some water if you need to. i don’t plan on keeping you here reading this much longer, but it’s important to stay hydrated nonetheless, and i may veer off course and write a small novel! (i jest)

i want to tattoo cherry blossoms on myself, and get my candy heart tattoos, but i am also poor and still afraid of leaving my home lest i catch covid-19 (yes, despite being fully vaccinated and having waited) or just have some kind of panic attack in public, or digestive-symptoms-attack, which is also likely and unpleasant, though i’ll spare you the details of my gastrointestinal woes for today.

is that plenty? i feel like that’s plenty, but also, there’s always room for more. especially on the internet.

still, i need to go make myself another coffee before i can relax and smoke weed and figure out how to neatly tie up and finish this post!

x

i also fed the cats and checked the fruit fly trap i set up recently. it’s working!

something that i want to do more often, as a hobby, coping technique, whatever – is making candles. i have gold mica to make them sparkly now, and citronella oil to make bug-unfriendly candles to keep mosquitoes at bay while it’s burning. i love a good citronella candle on a night-time porch sitting extravaganza, whether it be barely an extravaganza at only two individuals or a literal party (i think i know the latter from maybe two experiences at most), a citronella candle will come in handy and be appreciated by many! of course, some people don’t like the smell, but i do.

we will probably discuss candles more in the future.

for now, though, i will discuss today’s makeup look. it brings me joy! let me have my moment… so, the colourpop x hello kitty summer 2021 collection, that i totally didn’t need, right??? i love it! i bought some of it as a present for a friend of mine because i decided they needed some of the collection too (and their birthday is coming up.) and today i used an eyeshadow palette and a blush – the less pinky blush, you know? i’m sure you can research it and find it if you care. it’s more of a coral-orange-red than a cool toned in your face PINK, but it’s still pink-hued. i am excited to try, as i referred to it, in your face PINK blush too.

i’m wearing orange eyeshadow, because the blush goes high up close to my eye. it’s a look. no, really! it goes back and everything. i’m mostly referring to the cover of my favorite björk album, post. her blush there is a cotton candy cool toned VIVID dream! i’m in love! combine that with my first kiss being with a british girl i met when i lived in england still who was named Isobel, Izzy for short, who later truly betrayed me. at first, though, i loved her, and on the weekends home from boarding school i’d play post and listen mostly to isobel but also every other track every time. ugh, they are all so good!

izzy, or isobel, had similar light-brown dark-blonde avril lavigne circa let go hair to my natural hair (which is more or less what i’m sporting these days), and grey eyes (gray? that one always confuses me.) and oh, she smelled amazing. she was soft. i was infatuated and smitten and all of that. i remember, even this many years later, her sitting next to me against a wall so we could secretly hold hands, and her reassuring me by stroking her thumb across my palm as she held my hand. i will never not associate that action with her, probably.

oh, to be a 12 year old unaware-that-i’m-bisexual-just-liking-people girl again.

i mean, no, that year was hell, because of how isobel ended our relationship… truly, i cannot express that enough! one day i plan to write more extensively on the horrors of my year at clifton college, but not today.

it sounds dramatic, but i am actually underplaying it. a year has to be especially bad to teach you bulimic tendencies, self harming, and how to attempt suicide all in one calendar year session! that was me when i was 12.

i had my first depressive episode at 11, and it lasted until i was 13, when i immigrated to the usa from england.

then, at 16 i had my next one, and i thought it would be similarly short. ha! it is not. i say “is” because i am still in that same depressive episode, 13 years later. ugh!

well, that’s all for now! as the lovely bailey sarian on youtube says, “make good choices.”

xxooxxoo
zélie

some drafts later, in march of 2021

i have, as the title suggests, drafts between my last published posts and now. there is a gap in time where only i get to know what might have gone on this blog but never did in those days.

people around me are slamming doors and being loud in cars… is that what a pandemic will do? the screaming at 3am has stopped, mostly, from my upstairs neighbors. i have an audio recording.

here are some cute instaxes of me, wearing a mask, and it goes over your nose!!!

also, i have youtube videos, but for mostly aesthetic reasons i must put a nice wordy paragraph (at least one!) between so many images and then probably multiple videos. yes, despite my memory failing me, i am quite certain that i have posted multiple videos since i last shared an update of them. does it matter? no. perhaps? perhaps not.

i have such a complicated relationship with certain things, like uhhh, relationships, and that has been fucking up my life. for over 28 years! i cope in unhealthy ways and let that be, most of the time. i don’t even know. was it better to be manic off a prozac overdose attempt, drawing with cray pas all night in the psych ward dining area, a day or two before i was kicked out while not only not having had my suicide attempt treated in terms of lingering depression BUT also! they didn’t even treat my chemically induced mania! how irresponsible, and you know who you are. i have talked in more detail about it on this blog before. this blog.

this blog that my ex read years’ archives from, which really doesn’t matter, except i involuntarily dream about him every night, and what’s up with that? he sexually assaulted me, no worse than some other things but far worse than others, and i don’t wish to date him again. so i wish i’d stop dreaming about him. it’s so silly. every fucking night. most people don’t even talk to me any more who knew him, like the girl in his irc he cheated on me with. oh, it doesn’t matter. i don’t know.

i listened to songs, and learned their meanings, months too late.

not every button is there to be pushed, and madno may never know that, and i have learned it too late, also.

and there you have it, every video i’ve posted on youtube since my last blog update regarding youtube.

everything is hazy, and confusing, and that’s no way to live life! but neither is dying, so i’m still trying (hey, that rhymed.) my mental health feels unsalvageable, but i know i am not alone in that. leave a comment below if you, too, feel like there is no getting better! we are not alone! everything sucks, hey!

i will figure out a way to end this on a lighter note now, because the bulk of what had to be said has been, and what should have been said never will be.

is there even a lighter note?

xxoo
zélie

it’s unfortunate that things ended up this way

cut me off, dad.

go on i expect it.

you were abusive, emotionally, verbally, physically, more?

i can’t talk about my mom. she might cut me off too, anyways, and i can’t not talk about her not because she’s never hurt me deliberately, but because she might read this. because i struggle to cover the cost of all my cat food and toilet paper every month so she helps me with specifically those items. paper towels. cat litter. that’s it. that’s okay. some people don’t even have that

when i brought up that i was raised in a “family cult” to possibly two parents with npd, one overtly and one covertly, i expressed frustration that it had taken me 28 years and i’d lost important relationships in the process, heartbreakingly important connections i had, due to my not knowing. now i know. now i know enough. but now is too late. my therapist reminded me that some people go their whole lives without any sort of realization like i’d had- they just live their muddled lives. i wanted to cry, because though in a way it is comforting to have figured it out before i had hit 30, at that time especially i was not over the fact that i had hurt a good man who at worst sexually assaulted me while drunker than he should be but never -never- literally penetrated and raped me… i had hurt him emotionally repeatedly and he was ready to move onto another girl, to follow the girl he’d desired after me but hadn’t told me about, while fucking me…i swear, he is a good man, i think. he didn’t deserve my vitriol at least. the girl who he got involved with second after me does deserve that vitriol, looking back at messages that she sent this blog. maddison. the dreaded. the you’re welcome, i know you adore your new facebook url and the permanent story i gave you behind it.

some new youtube (singular), because i mean whatever why not;

then we have the ever-present dilemma. no. not now.

nobody believes me really, except me, which is fine, because i know, and one day i’ll be aware and coherent enough to convey how things are. and you will all eat your words.

the organ synth is so important to me as a musical instrument. music is so important to me.

what else is there? besides art, and cats. certainly not other people. perhaps the self.

donate to my living costs here.

xoxo
zélie

tw sa/sh but what’s the point of having a blog and never using it?

i’m back on my vhs glitch bullshit, and here we go again. i made a vlogmas trailer/intro;

but i don’t know if i’m doing vlogmas, even though i’ve been filming.

i guess i should make my glitchy witch bitch 2021 youtube intro soon.

other videos i made since then include but are not limited to:

(this one got me a kind of okay music talent scout email!)

these were (mostly) so fun to make!

i included SA/rape/domestic abuse helplines in the youtube post for the video where i cover little mix and mention that user9429450 aka my ex casey, who i loved deeply and fucked up around too, but who honestly fucked me up worse after i left another ex for being emotionally abusive and physically threatening/breaking my stuff. he was not what i needed. he sexually assaulted me, which i woke up to, while he was drunk. i’ll include resources below:
https://thehotline.org
https://ncadv.org
in the USA, you can call 1-800-799-7233
crisis text line: text SUPPORT TO 741-741

i’m listening to miley cyrus’ plastic hearts album, and telling you about it for a blog post, livejournal style. but this is not livejournal. this is wordpress. golden g string is a banger; a very good song. i feel like miley cyrus has grown hugely in the past several years.

i have a new boyfriend, and gel nails he paid for (the nail tech was tipped generously and i politely complied when they asked to take my temperature)…everything should be okay. depression and mental illness still has me in its raw-thistle-hands rough-bleeding-wounds-skin choke-hold-kill situation… but i did also switch to a new antidepressant, well, restart an old one; wellbutrin. it has helped me in the past. it works on dopamine, not your serotonin. it does lower your seizure threshold and increase that risk.

i changed my twitter and instagram urls. at first they were private, even ig, but i have uin-privated my mains. so, if you check those, check that out. i updated the links here. i’m sure my stalkers and harassers will be thrilled.

i want to write more. i want to read more. goals for 2020 – or tomorrow?

you can join my discord server, where i spend a lot of my time, automatically if you have discord & have it linked with patreon, and you pledge $1 or more to me/month. this is the link. the url is just zelie, like so many other things.

i love you all. as i vape thc, i wonder about future plans tattooing myself and learning to use a machine and power supply, and shader needles… not something i’d recommend to most… but i am allergic to metal so piercings are difficult (i learned this after piercing my tongue and nipples, oh no!) and besides, my favorite therapist i’ve ever had, who was good at therapy, told me that tattooing myself is an acceptable alternative to cutting myself. so. i win (i always win.)

anyways, mostly i just wanted to update you all! remind me to post more. love u.

xoxo