olaplex and chill update and the italian comics i remember from my youth

the title is referencing olaplex and chill orders of business, which i’ll get into soon, such as this video:

the title is also referencing some comic books i bought (or, my mom bought, technically, since i was 13) on my second trip to italy. i haven’t flown in years, but it used to be a regular thing for me.

sabrina is being cute. what’s new.

i couldn’t read the comics – i don’t speak fluent italian – but i was very into manga at the time, in fact that was perhaps my peak year of being Interested In Manga, so i loved it and read it and looked at the pictures in it. i was reminded of this by this video on youtube.

i also am so tired, but when am i not. i try not to nap so much! i swear i try!

i got a small amount of money, and placed a sugarpill order, with afterpay. old habits die hard. anyways it will be paid off within a month and a half. i bought the “fun size” palette, finally, and lumi, and ghosted, and trinket, and more! the little twin stars liquid lipstick set was on sale for $6. six dollars.

okay, so i have more shopping issues arriving to unbox. that’s okay, for now. i just have to face the consequences later like any decent person. i also have been fastidiously recording myself opening every package, even the ones i didn’t purchase, for months now, but the footage is mostly unedited…

1/366

so, yes, also, if you read the tiny photo caption, you know that i am doing 365days again. that was day one. i guess i’ll post them here – where else, since i deleted my flickr?

day two has more photos. i couldn’t choose. day one is a diptych but day two is a damned arrangement.

many of those technically are not eligible to be 365days photos, because they do not feature me at all and are not a self portrait. also, some are good, but some… are bad.

day 3:

day 4:

day 5 has been shot but i haven’t imported/edited/can’t upload it. yet.

so i’m trying. a year (a leap year!) of not being hospitalized. i’ll try my best. i hate the hospital anyways. they are not at all trauma-informed, which is ironic given what the environment is. of course, i refer to psychological trauma. yes, even the psych wards. yes, i would know.

i have goals! finally! i mean, i replaced my desire to die around 30 a la Sylvia Plath with a desire to [redacted] a [redacted] by that time. more later? perhaps! hopefully! definitely! oh well – i’ll hold myself accountable. i want to self-publish a poetry book. my mom referred to that as “vanity publishing” but things are different these days with ebooks on amazon and whatnot. i also want physical copies; print on demand. i know that means i’ll take a smaller %. i am broke and it is worth it to me to have a physical product. it is not about the money for me.

would i say no to success? absolutely not, but i also never (ever) expect it.

i will need a poetry editor, and an illustrator, at least. but? that comes later.

perhaps first i’ll self-pub a zine. perhaps not. who knows! the world is full of possibilities! it’s terrifying!

i’m trying, trying; i’ve been trying.
i miss the smith botanical gardens. i must go back. i must vlog it! lol.

anyways.

i guess that’s plenty for the day. even though it’s 4:12am. no promises on my next post (later/eventually/too long from now) because i post: whenever i feel like. a new rule! probably often. oops.

xoxo

trying, writing, breathing

I am trying and writing and trying and writing. I am breathing and breathing and bored.
I am dissatisfied with almost everything, from the downright insufferable
To those who are in pain, maybe the worst they’ve known, as it gnawed
At their bones and their joints and their blood cells, plasma running full

Bleeding and getting back up and being full of life, but perhaps too much so
Trying and trying and trying. Am I still writing? I’m not sure.
Running as fast as I can from a past that I miss and I go and I go
Repeating words like it makes me some kind of linguistics connoisseur

Writing and breathing and slowing my heart rate, no longer a wild horse
Hooves on the dry mud and grass as it races alongside its kind
Passion hurts, so we avoid it. We get bored faster and faster of course
Your phone is smart but you won’t be if you never pick up a book, feel its spine

Read the words inside. Kiss the ground and thank it for your pain.
Stop numbing yourself just because it feels better that way
Take small measures to improve your life, every day, work hard to stay sane
Avoid the hospital but avoid harming yourself too, find a method to being okay

I am writing and I am trying and I am writing and I am breathing. I am breathing and I am safe.
The bones of my body are covered in layers of flesh that decays slower than I could ever breathe
Oxygen keeps me alive and it ruins me, my love, my life, not my reason but something to chafe
Did you know there is no point? Yet there is so much to do, so much to see!

Find the good and the bad, one cannot exist without the other. If you can only see one,
Well then hopefully it’s not the bad (hopefully you aren’t teenaged me),
(early-twenties me, current me, me’s in between, oh such fun!)
They delivered the paper parcels and I lied, again, you see.

it’s all ending, gotta stop pretending who we are

…you and me, i can see us dying, are we?
– gwen stefani, no doubt, don’t speak

trigger warning, idk, all the things. i am too tired to seek them out for you. peruse with warning. perhaps i will come back and edit this.

i did a new youtube, maybe more than one, but here is yesterday’s:

so, that aside, what is there? sleeping? self-hatred? something more has to exist

an older pic of me (2016?)

my memory is so severely impacted bymy cognitive impairment. i don’t mind too much.

i film everything anyways.

i’m too normal and indoctrinated into the healthcare system for some of my friends. for some of my dreams. a thought that makes me choke: i may never strip at a strip club like i want to

i’m filming right now, even as i type out a wordpress post, and i am so, so tired. i missed an appointment this morning – one that could help me. i was too tired.

i am drinking coffee now, so i am less tired, but still fatigued.

sabrina kisses from a few months ago. i weigh noticeably less than i do now. i didn’t realize at the time.

i miss taking pictures.

i’m having a hard time. not really sure what’s going on with my brain. i took my meds this morning – that feels important to document. still, cup #2 of coffee and i’m here, really struggling. maybe i’ll edit another video from my backlog of old footage.

i swear i want to try. i will preserve as many images as i can.

a bad huji edit/crop of a good photo i took
i took this from a plane window when i was 15 years old

for now, i’m tired. there is so much. literal terabytes! perhaps my words are worth more, but i don’t really care right now.

oh well. i truly am sorry for being such an abysmal blogger. or perhaps i just do things my own way.

xo
zélie