i just erased lines i wrote. i never do that, never, never ever. i preserve and document everything. oh well. change is good, and if it’s something else, i just have to be patient and wait to see what
i published a terrible hour-long vlog, watch it if you want
it does cover some important points but also even though it seemed fine in premiere and was imported at 1080p, it appears to have decreased in quality (thanks youtube.)
anyways, as i hit the button to open this post, i got my finger trapped hard between a hard plastic shoe (the durable kind) and my metal desktop pc case. it hurts! i may have a dent or white mark on my nail later! oh well. hence the title of this post though; it hurt like hell.
i’ve been rereading flowers for algernon; it’s so hard to read in multiple ways. i cry at almost every page, and i have suppressed my crying hugely in the recent past.
i just took a pill i’m prescribed. this time, it was hard, because it’s my largest pill i take, and i feel nauseous. i prepped for taking it with deep breaths and mental affirmations.
my friend is manic. i am worried about her. i worry that i will become manic, with my two bipolar uncles – but then, are my rapid mood swings and depressive moments caused by obsessively thinking about suicide and dwelling on death, and shorter term bpd mood swings? i do not know.
i forget almost everything. i’m starting to write more as a solution to this. let the record show that i am fighting, resisting my symptoms!
i hate hate hate hate HATE to say this or do it but i think i need to give my mom 3 credit cards i have in my wallet. i gave her mine before but… i have acquired more so i should admit that to her. i doubt she reads this, if she does, sorry mom, i will give them to you shortly if i haven’t already. ugh. i am so low on money already! money is such a huge stressor – one of the biggest in my life right now!
i guess this is like, a post-length post already.
does a post have to be a certain length? (no.)
does it have to have media; videos & pictures? (no.)
does it have to be a certain length if it does not have media? (…no. probably not.)
ugh. what really matters? i ask myself that a lot, a lot, a lot. sky ferreira comes on shuffle and i think about darkness and i remember simultaneously the rules that since i wrote so many short “blocks” as wordpress dot com calls them i must write a longer block now! not a wordpress rule; a personal one.
i also like to sprinkle in pictures and other media intermittently. it helps. i feel more comfortable publishing a post arranged the way i am describing.
i need to do laundry. i need to shower. i have a to-do list that is a mile long, but not literally, because duh.
i wish things felt okay.
i’ll do more! more posts. more videos. etc. it will happen! give me time, not even much, i hope.
those are unseen by the internet…until now. i don’t know why that’s some kind of deal, probably not a big one though.
anyways those golden nose photos are inspired by the blush-on-nose trend! it’s cute, don’t get me wrong. i just wanted to do my own take on it, and i haven’t seen eyeshadow on the nose – contour, sure; highlight, absolutely; blush, sometimes; eyeshadow with shimmer and a glitter topper? i may be the first.
obsessions and/or compulsions and i’m suddenly more disordered well, not officially, until i get the test at least but i’m not sure why i think about suicide 3 times an hour without wanting to or why damp food on hard ceramic plates under cold water feels like it burns or why i can’t stop physically removing parts of myself in calculated ways
i got to know parts of my body that i never was supposed to, searching to become clean for a long time i obsessively thought about setting myself on fire my username some places is still immolation but i only wanted to burn the impure out, not die
and the compulsions to…i can’t tell you, because my brain just shut off but as soon as i’ve restarted i’m forced to know again how the door handle has to be turned right; to check that it was locked i know i put the key in and turned it but i’d sooner die than leave without turning that damned handle one more damned time and oh i don’t know letting my cats die
i obsess over suicide, i obsess over weight, i self-hate like i’m paid to do it at a good rate, and i do the things, the things i don’t talk about much, and i do them until it hurts and i’m sort of kind of almost clean then i don’t talk about them of course because i feel guilty i guess i can say i’m so fucking ocd now because i can’t stop obsessively thinking about having ocd
before you come for me with the pitchforks and fire, or the wrong size bandaids, remember how i blinked at every pole we drove past and didn’t stop when we passed a fence and i gave myself a headache blinking so fast so much (or whatever) i intricately research suicide methods because i can’t imagine not knowing everything about it i document moments because i can’t imagine living without memories, and ones were taken from me
so here i am, self-made victim and so “poor me”, except maybe i actually was built wrong then abused and raped and bullied and made so broken, pushed down smaller my arthritic joints were ground down and my muscles eaten away for sustenance and here i am, creative and once-brilliant, even, but then again not really here any more so i guess it’s both good and bad that i’m feeling incredibly bitter
obviously the post title is lyrics from the buffy the vampire slayer musical episode, which happens to fall in season 6, the best and darkest season.
i’m not tired, maybe because of caffeine, or perhaps a nap i don’t remember whether i had or not but that i probably did, in fact, have.
speaking of memory loss:
anyways, i am watching that buffy musical episode, and it’s good, as always, and i find it touching, as always.
while you could call buffy diving into a magical hell dimension bubble abyss suicide, this episode is the one with the really hard hitting attempt from the lead; when she tries to dance herself to death. sorry i didn’t warn spoilers for a plotline that happened 20 (? ish) years ago.
i relate very much to having memory loss problems like in that video (since i do have memory problems!) perhaps it’s mental illness. medication could do it, or my past suicide attempts could have left that organ more damaged than we realize.
my colonoscopy and endoscopy microbiopsy did in fact come back with something vaguely abnormal, so i’m waiting to talk to my gi specialist about that.
things are less up in the air, but still so. it’s stressful. i’m overwhelmed! i think of suicide perhaps a little less often, though. i push the thoughts away, but sometimes it takes longer than other times. my eating disorder, in a sick way, helps me cope by distracting me – and telling me i’m not thin enough yet to die in case i have an open casket funeral. twisted. okay, brain.
i plan to write throughout this episode (although i’ve already titled the post, i am actually about to watch tara serenade willow) for this blog post and see where it goes. however, i also made that plan before i typed this much only a few scenes in.
perhaps i’ll write less? then again, i struggle to write sometimes, so perhaps it is a good thing! my brain is such a mess, that i do not know.
ah, here we go, the beautiful tara serenade. the reprise (ft rupert giles) is so beautiful, too. two of the best voices in the cast!
i’m playing it loud. it’s almost 11pm here, right now, but i am wearing my over ear headphones and i like to listen to things loudly. perhaps my hearing is damaged temporarily or permanently from this, or perhaps it is the cause, or both. perhaps one day i will be able to stop overusing the word “perhaps”.
i drink coffee, cold (or more accurately room temperature), but when i finish this cup i do have a hot fresh french press full of coffee to pour and drink. i drink too much coffee, but it kills the hunger, which helps me have less of my stomach symptoms, though i know the coffee itself isn’t good for my stomach, or the milk i buffer the coffee with, though oddly in combination they damage me less since the acidity of pure coffee would ruin me.
i want to include some more pictures now.
(tw ed) emma caulfield (anya, in buffy) is so thin! my disordered brain is jealous. did they know, when they filmed this, that her red lingerie clad body would be triggering to those who so desperately want to be thinner, to the extent that they’ll use unhealthy means?
of course, it’s not emma’s fault for being thin. i just wish i were that thin! sorry, i am being honest. perhaps too blunt – i hope i do not regret these words.
when things are hazy, and confusing, it’s hard to do much of anything, even communicate! the caloric deficit does not help.
lately, things have been hard. of course, most people are trying to support me! i am just a very very heavy weight. burden. obstacle?
i’m tired and uninspired by everything, but that’s disgusting and selfish, right? even if it isn’t my fault.
even if i hate myself more than anything else.
i’m okay; i’m safe.
my coffee cup is empty… time to refill with the hot stuff!
my feet have blisters on them because i sit on my feet all day.
“does anybody even notice? does anybody even care?” – dawn singing, buffy the vampire slayer, once more with feeling
how to survive when survival is so hard? why, by doing it.
the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
that line is said by both dawn, and buffy, in an earlier season (okay, the season immediately prior to season six.)
this post will be long! that’s new. well, not new, but not recent, either. i haven’t been so good at the updating, or the long well-written posts, or the words in general…or the pictures. my dslr is still broken, naturally.
the actor/dancer/singer who plays sweet in this episode is so talented.
i’m wearing patrick ta body oil, and it feels luxe, but also bougie in a gross way and also excessive in that i noticed how much is gone from two (?) uses earlier tonight and i’m concerned that that much product is gone already. then again, i do really love glitter, and i was having trouble with the pump on the bottle before.
i also relate to buffy being unable to take care of everything, or maybe anything, at least much, at this point in the show. it is all too much with ptsd! buffy almost certainly has ptsd, especially after (spoilers, major spoilers) clawing her way out of her own grave. hey, she’s died twice.
also, her hair looks really good. she’s really thin too. the only female member of the cast who isn’t extremely thin is tara’s actress amber benson, actually. even she is not fat.
also, what’s up with the poc situation in buffy??? it is problematic. buffy is my favorite show, but i must not mention buffy and neglect to mention that!
tonight is so bad. life is so bad. i am okay. i will be okay. the reprise of under your spell and standing is happening. their voices are beautiful.
i cancelled two subscriptions today (apple music, and dropbox) and checked that a third had been cancelled (sephora flash shipping). i hate to let these things go, but money is tight! as always, basically.
portrait mode on an iphone doesn’t replicate a dslr, but it is nice to have for vlogging and portraits/selfies. i feel that i can’t call them “self portraits” any more, since it is in fact a phone camera.
to save the day, or maybe melt away, i guess it’s all the same … so i will walk through the fire.
i’m getting tired. time to pause, get up, pee because coffee is a diuretic, and get more coffee! whoo! i’m not interrupting this song though (walk through the fire)… one of the best.
at least buffy has a good support network… kind of. it’s complex, like life, and real life relationships. like in my real life, it was stronger and less complex in high school, before a lot of her trauma.
i hope to see jeannette tomorrow and to give her her (extremely belated) birthday gift, and to receive mine! i miss her dearly.
the more i think about it the more it becomes obvious to me that i have undiagnosed ocd.
life is hard (we know this.) i turn 27 tomorrow. it’s my 7th 21st birthday, or whatever. i’m determined to publish a post, and my solution to that is that i will post this, regardless of what happens to it! where it goes – i don’t know. i don’t have a plan. i am just freewriting.
i also plan to include some images within this blog post.
it’s hard to communicate effectively. something i once valued my skill at has become… not a lost cause, but something, something bad. something not very good.
oh i’m aware how unintelligent i sound right now, at least compared to before. i can’t even make the art i cherish so and be impressed by my own skill.
does everyone rely on that? is part of the problem that i even could do that, once? hm. it sets expectations.
my hair is pink again. i am glad!
i suppose i will be posting more, to remember. to document. to keep. to not forget.
i am filming, but editing is hard in my current mental state. actually, so is transferring files. i did manage to upload a new youtube video recently, one i had kicking around on an external hard drive.
so, i’m signing out for now, because i need to go to the bank, and i’m tired already from writing this post. i have so few spoons – look up spoon theory if you don’t know what i mean.
when i say i’m signing out…i rarely actually sign out, because i don’t want to have to log back in. just a little confession. i use it as a figure of speech.