and some of the rest

and so this chapter comes to a close. i’ll announce the newest one on here. link it, etc. don’t worry.

just not yet.

here are the youtube uploads… soon another video is coming, that will say similar things to this blog post. things like, i will still upload, but in a different way, and this won’t be my main focus.

anyways, here they are:

a new presence… an experiment, for me to benefit from.

a way to be healthier.

perhaps the details will come later. i have more to say, anyways. so for now, this chapter lies opened to its last page.

still opened.

does she smile, or does she mouth, “fuck you forever”?

xoxoxo
what a shame she went mad
zélie

the distraction and other problems

hello all,

let’s get the inevitable sharing of my new youtube videos out of the way, shall we?

my 2021 intro

so there you have it, my progressively more restricted videos. well, not technically youtube-restricted, but restricted to 18+ and so not visible… on this… 18+ site…

i think it’s important that you know. i’m here to stay a while.

but my 2021 intro has things that are 18+ in them, so many videos may not be viewable on here. idk. i don’t really care – i make the videos for myself!

i brewed coffee, and alexis is coming, with milk, to help me hang out and clean. she offered, because she loves cleaning and helping people. weird, i know. but to barely-functioning me in messy apartment, that’s like a dream. so i said yes and here we are, she will be here any minute!

i’ve got photos to share, but not yet. their time will come. this is not a post for photos. for once.

i think of auto-saves on here as soft saves, and clicked saves as hard draft saves. is that logical? probably not.

i will be asking for donations this month, because i am hurting financially, i am two months behind on rent with less than $7 usd in my checking and an even smaller amount in my savings. so, not if it will impact your ability to pay bills, but if you have anything to spare, my paypal can be found here. i am working hard to make rent payments, hustling, if you will, but things are hard. things are hard for everyone!

my brain is scattered, and i should email my college advisor back. ah, yes, i am back at school soon, already crying about it internally.

i am trying my best! aaah!

xoxo
zélie

ps. i love you all

glitch witch bitch

so, i stopped identifying as wiccan (due to the racist origins of the word), but i am still a witch. a neo-pagan. i am also glitch vhs back on my bullshit, bitch, biscuit, bitch

i wrote something about scorpios of all things earlier and found that my passion for writing has been reignited, in typing at least. i wish for a typewriter (a pink typewriter) that i can click-clack on the keys of. that i can film myself click-clacking on the keys of. my blue switch mechanical keyboard is simply not enough!

speaking of which, i have a holiday present wishlist.

anyways, there are other things to share, like youtube videos i’ve made (as i’ve mentioned, i’m b.o.m.vhs.b.), like i said, only TRULY this time.

gosh. looking back, i even already referenced the title of this post (a former instagram username); my memory is so shit! it’s okay though, c’est la vie.

here are the recent videos i mentioned in passing:

anyways. those are the new videos.

so.

i feel like the katamari damacy king of the universe. destroying all the stars and then especially killing time and distracting and talking too much. distraction/surveying.

i have more, but, hmmm, let’s see. i am so tired of this. all of this, this life stuff. i mean, it’s fine, i’m not going to attempt suicide or anything stupid like that, but fuck, is it hard.

this living thing.

people ask me why i’m depressed. i don’t know what to tell them, except that wellbutrin takes me to a significantly less depressed state (think crying in bed rather than crying on the floor face down with snot in my hair.)

i’ve been enjoying online communities, and i highly recommend them during this isolating pandemic. i mean, it’s okay, but my discord and twitter especially have been bringing me a sense of community. instagram too, i suppose, although i feel that i simultaneously basically hate instagram for being so sex-worker-unfriendly.

listening (telling you like it’s livejournal in 2005) to perfect by mason and princess superstar.

this synth part, so cool! whoo!

lately i have been listening to a few songs on repeat. do you want a mix cd curated for you, by me? or better yet, a cassette.

perfection, ha ha.

yes, the parts in italics are lyrics. yes, i’m brutally obvious. also why yes, i am the cliché child of harley quinn and taylor swift.

i hit my head, somehow, perhaps from fainting from malnutrition? and now it is sore. a bump swells.

the skin on my face itches in the way that a deep need to get to something underneath to scratch an unsatisfiable itch is there. i know from experience that acting on the itching leads to scratching leads to picking leads to blood. blood, red blood, bright then if i don’t clean it with stinging alcohol it’s a brownish color.

the maroon of the vial of blood in my minifridge tells me it partially oxidized, even in a medical vial.

i did not pay for that, lol. it was free blood. i mean, technically.

i told someone i wouldn’t disclose the details though. for secrecy reasons, of course. what else?

hmmmm…. i wish i had cool pictures to show you all. i’m sure i do, but what use are they? do i upload old randoms or recent snaps?

this is my (unfinished) character in the game calico, which i preordered via kickstarter.

this game is cute and fun and makes me want a controller that works for pcs. unfortunately, those cost money…especially the pink ones! rude.

i took this test pt 1
i took this test pt 2

so there’s (pretty much) proof that i am the chaotic good i claim to be. a turbulent enfp, if you will! if you put weight into such things.

me, recently, getting pizza. it was delicious.

so, i guess, that’s most of it since we last talked.

i have been wearing boots in the snow too much. i have been drinking coffee and smoking weed, like always

what is a paragraph? i’ve never heard of such a thing! ok, jokes aside, i love u all.

xoxo
zélie

tw sa/sh but what’s the point of having a blog and never using it?

i’m back on my vhs glitch bullshit, and here we go again. i made a vlogmas trailer/intro;

but i don’t know if i’m doing vlogmas, even though i’ve been filming.

i guess i should make my glitchy witch bitch 2021 youtube intro soon.

other videos i made since then include but are not limited to:

(this one got me a kind of okay music talent scout email!)

these were (mostly) so fun to make!

i included SA/rape/domestic abuse helplines in the youtube post for the video where i cover little mix and mention that user9429450 aka my ex casey, who i loved deeply and fucked up around too, but who honestly fucked me up worse after i left another ex for being emotionally abusive and physically threatening/breaking my stuff. he was not what i needed. he sexually assaulted me, which i woke up to, while he was drunk. i’ll include resources below:
https://thehotline.org
https://ncadv.org
in the USA, you can call 1-800-799-7233
crisis text line: text SUPPORT TO 741-741

i’m listening to miley cyrus’ plastic hearts album, and telling you about it for a blog post, livejournal style. but this is not livejournal. this is wordpress. golden g string is a banger; a very good song. i feel like miley cyrus has grown hugely in the past several years.

i have a new boyfriend, and gel nails he paid for (the nail tech was tipped generously and i politely complied when they asked to take my temperature)…everything should be okay. depression and mental illness still has me in its raw-thistle-hands rough-bleeding-wounds-skin choke-hold-kill situation… but i did also switch to a new antidepressant, well, restart an old one; wellbutrin. it has helped me in the past. it works on dopamine, not your serotonin. it does lower your seizure threshold and increase that risk.

i changed my twitter and instagram urls. at first they were private, even ig, but i have uin-privated my mains. so, if you check those, check that out. i updated the links here. i’m sure my stalkers and harassers will be thrilled.

i want to write more. i want to read more. goals for 2020 – or tomorrow?

you can join my discord server, where i spend a lot of my time, automatically if you have discord & have it linked with patreon, and you pledge $1 or more to me/month. this is the link. the url is just zelie, like so many other things.

i love you all. as i vape thc, i wonder about future plans tattooing myself and learning to use a machine and power supply, and shader needles… not something i’d recommend to most… but i am allergic to metal so piercings are difficult (i learned this after piercing my tongue and nipples, oh no!) and besides, my favorite therapist i’ve ever had, who was good at therapy, told me that tattooing myself is an acceptable alternative to cutting myself. so. i win (i always win.)

anyways, mostly i just wanted to update you all! remind me to post more. love u.

xoxo

time is racing toward us

…you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t), i covered i’ll make a man out of you from the original mulan movie:

and since i started with my most recent video, let’s work backwards through any others i’ve published since then:

okay, fair warning, i’ve made a lot of videos since i’ve written a blog post…

so what’s been up with me? well, i had my heart broken, by my ex, who claims he never broke up with me and who i have no recollection of breaking up with, but who is still my ex for some reason. funny how things work like that; like heartbreak. choking you.

i took and scanned and took more photos, but those, or most of those, are for later. i suppose i’ll share some scanned instaxes of me in a britney spears hoodie at the local lake;

more to share later.

for now, i return to my regularly scheduled mental breakdown.

xoxo
zélie