i was watching a youtube video about brittany murphy with the quote “she knew how to be vulnerable without being the victim, somehow.” here’s the video i’m sure you can find it somewhere in there. it hit me close to home. i realized some things, though i don’t know what yet… they’re half-realized, and i am practically brain damaged according to how i feel.
perhaps i try too hard to numb the shit in order to cope.
drinking red bulls and imbibing other substances, let’s see. who cares. okay.
here are some photos and videos, none of which are extremely recent/relevant, but here some of them are i guess?
and here are the youtube videos:
and there they are. we’ll see until the morning.
ps reminder to take any medications you may be prescribed
and other things (oops? not that i’m on a no-buy currently)
of course, that image is old. the hair! my hair is much lighter and longer now. i suppose i should show you all soon. i’m just so tired, but maybe pictures…? soon?
not that you can see my hair, but these harley quinn cosplay pics are recent:
of course, i am cosplaying her in a scene from suicide squad, namely this one:
so, the crystals are arriving today, and perhaps i will vlog them!
but who knows. who cares? who knows.
i am blogging and blogging and going and going and things are ok, i guess, but also bad, because always (the when are they not? etc) i don’t eat enough, and i’m worried about me, but like, it’s fine.
it’s fine. i’m fine.
truly the words of someone desperate to be perceived as “fine” (whatever that means!)
in that first picture, the very first one in this whole entire blog post (lol) i am wearing a jane mai shirt that says “cunt is such an ugly word i’m so pretty though”; and for a long time it was my favorite shirt. i love jane mai! we have sort of become acquaintances, to be an awful name dropper. i have been ordering things from her for years, so we have some sort of rapport. she has put nail polish bottles she knew were dupes of ones i wanted in my order boxes. and more! i love her!
i subscribed to cat marnell on patreon, because idk. the appeal is there. the writing is good. the photos are better (cat marnell’s photography skills are not spoken about often enough! they exist!!!) so i pay ~$6 a month now to read her articles. i can’t afford it, i do it anyways.
i can’t afford most things. i do them anyways. my december and january rent remain unpaid. please president biden, a 3rd stimulus check would save my ass at the very least (i jest; it’d do much more good than that!)
as always, my venmo is zelie my cashapp is $neoncherry my paypal can be found here and that’s about it! well, there’s always patreon, and onlyfans. lol. onlyfans is obviously very 18+. the patreon membership of $1 per month or more helps me pay my silly subscriptions, and more importantly it gives you access to my discord server, automatically, even though i suck at bots! i need to go back into my server settings and figure that out lol!
i hate that thing. that so many people do. that thing. that show. that so many people like. i hate it! however, hate is unconstructive. i should focus that passion and energy into love. into things that deserve love, like almost nothing left in my life.
obviously my cats are a huge exception.
i sit here, blogging, AND vlogging, (writing, AND filming myself writing). i sip my coffee. it is still warm. for a moment i find peace.
life is torment but i needn’t drag others into that. i’ll be back.
you were abusive, emotionally, verbally, physically, more?
i can’t talk about my mom. she might cut me off too, anyways, and i can’t not talk about her not because she’s never hurt me deliberately, but because she might read this. because i struggle to cover the cost of all my cat food and toilet paper every month so she helps me with specifically those items. paper towels. cat litter. that’s it. that’s okay. some people don’t even have that
when i brought up that i was raised in a “family cult” to possibly two parents with npd, one overtly and one covertly, i expressed frustration that it had taken me 28 years and i’d lost important relationships in the process, heartbreakingly important connections i had, due to my not knowing. now i know. now i know enough. but now is too late. my therapist reminded me that some people go their whole lives without any sort of realization like i’d had- they just live their muddled lives. i wanted to cry, because though in a way it is comforting to have figured it out before i had hit 30, at that time especially i was not over the fact that i had hurt a good man who at worst sexually assaulted me while drunker than he should be but never -never- literally penetrated and raped me… i had hurt him emotionally repeatedly and he was ready to move onto another girl, to follow the girl he’d desired after me but hadn’t told me about, while fucking me…i swear, he is a good man, i think. he didn’t deserve my vitriol at least. the girl who he got involved with second after me does deserve that vitriol, looking back at messages that she sent this blog. maddison. the dreaded. the you’re welcome, i know you adore your new facebook url and the permanent story i gave you behind it.
some new youtube (singular), because i mean whatever why not;
then we have the ever-present dilemma. no. not now.
nobody believes me really, except me, which is fine, because i know, and one day i’ll be aware and coherent enough to convey how things are. and you will all eat your words.
the organ synth is so important to me as a musical instrument. music is so important to me.
what else is there? besides art, and cats. certainly not other people. perhaps the self.