a new post on a new blog for a new day, or something

gosh, that sounds terribly optimistic, doesn’t it? that’s kind of gross.

it’s not that optimism is inherently gross by any logic, but anything other than pessimistic realism resulted in something bad when i was a child. i don’t know what, but i know i’m deeply uncomfortable admitting i feel optimism, in a similar way to my difficulty expressing affection physically or even verbally, because it’s weakness or whatever.

so i can sit here, and vape cherry pie thc (or either of two other cartridges i have), and blog, on neon cherry dot pink. i have turned off the auto renew on everything; even domain name sugarette.net

my “fresh and popping” discord server includes dialogue like:

reminder that access is $1/month at my patreon, but i also don’t expect many of you to want to join. if enough people contribute to my patreon funds, i can subscribe to k+k loveline’s hour long guidance reading each month instead of a half hour tarot and astrology blend reading! perhaps with more guidance i will fuck up less! not that my fucking up is on you!!! unless you are one of a select few people who contributed directly to my decline…

and do i have a decline? for i am where i’ve always been, just shed of some parasites. lonely, in a pandemic, but not as weighed down. overwhelmed, frustrated, but not as willing to end my own life. that one’s important right there; my suicidality and self harm have been decreasing, and as much as i’d adore for my ex to think i died, it’s alright if he doesn’t and he continues to stalk this blog like so many others do.

so my mental health is better, and worse, at the same time. my physical health… is worse, and my spiritual health is telling me it’ll thrive if i buy candlemaking supplies, with some help from my materialistic shopping addict almost-not-quite-a-hoarder tendencies. that’s just that, i suppose. i am trying to nip the hoarder thing in the bud! i’ve seen it play out over my mom’s life, and i don’t want that for myself!!!

(and still, i hoard footage)

so i don’t think i’ve published a video since my last blog post, in fact i know i haven’t, but i am working on editing not one but several videos (i am a strong and capable woman when it comes to not leaving my apartment or talking to strangers or…)

terabytes upon terabytes, that i cannot wait to upload and then offload, but here we are, in a place where i haven’t edited much of anything yet. haven’t even organized, i have barely even peeked.

should there be a song for every one of the blog posts from now on? perhaps there should be, every time. this is a tradition i may soon forget.

i wish i had things to say, to contribute, to improve things. is it more important that i remember quality over quantity, dear (and sometimes creepy) readers?

if you subscribed via email to my blog recently, it is not because of you that i moved, and you are welcome here… give me your opinion! in the comments! or don’t, i have too many lurkers.

from my 2020 birthday

and so i keep moving forward. what else is there to do? we are floating in space, on a rock. keep living. keep doing. it is repetetive, and i hate it some days, but often it is rewarding, not to be the cornball i am so desperately afraid of being thanks to my father and his complete invalidation of myself or my brother feeling any emotion (see: him laughing and calling it dancing when my brother would cry and throw a tantrum at an age where that was normal.)

this was just supposed to be a post, you know? not one of the long, long ones. a casual one. not that it’s long enough to warrant two descriptive longs with a comma in between (yet?) but i still feel perplexed about how i ended up here. my brain is a puddle, these days. by these days, i mean years. years have gone by.

most of my media didn’t transfer to my blog posts here during the import… i’ll see what that means shortly, i suppose.

it’s come to my attention recently that i look young for 28. i wasn’t aware that 28 was an age you normally need botox and anti aging dermatologist and aesthetician treatments by, but here we are. my skin has gained texture, during the last two years, mostly due to my dermatillomania. i’m somewhat of a dermatillomania queen over on tiktok. i don’t think that that’s a good thing.

this is enough for now? we’ll catch up eventually…i love you

xoxo
zélie

crystals i ordered online etc

crystals are arriving today.

and other things (oops? not that i’m on a no-buy currently)

so, hello.

the person you wanted to be like sends me money now.

of course, that image is old. the hair! my hair is much lighter and longer now. i suppose i should show you all soon. i’m just so tired, but maybe pictures…? soon?

not that you can see my hair, but these harley quinn cosplay pics are recent:

of course, i am cosplaying her in a scene from suicide squad, namely this one:

margot robbie, let me be as beautiful as you pls.

so, the crystals are arriving today, and perhaps i will vlog them!

but who knows. who cares? who knows.

i am blogging and blogging and going and going and things are ok, i guess, but also bad, because always (the when are they not? etc) i don’t eat enough, and i’m worried about me, but like, it’s fine.

it’s fine. i’m fine.

truly the words of someone desperate to be perceived as “fine” (whatever that means!)

in that first picture, the very first one in this whole entire blog post (lol) i am wearing a jane mai shirt that says “cunt is such an ugly word i’m so pretty though”; and for a long time it was my favorite shirt. i love jane mai! we have sort of become acquaintances, to be an awful name dropper. i have been ordering things from her for years, so we have some sort of rapport. she has put nail polish bottles she knew were dupes of ones i wanted in my order boxes. and more! i love her!

i subscribed to cat marnell on patreon, because idk. the appeal is there. the writing is good. the photos are better (cat marnell’s photography skills are not spoken about often enough! they exist!!!) so i pay ~$6 a month now to read her articles. i can’t afford it, i do it anyways.

i can’t afford most things. i do them anyways. my december and january rent remain unpaid. please president biden, a 3rd stimulus check would save my ass at the very least (i jest; it’d do much more good than that!)

as always, my venmo is zelie my cashapp is $neoncherry my paypal can be found here and that’s about it! well, there’s always patreon, and onlyfans. lol. onlyfans is obviously very 18+. the patreon membership of $1 per month or more helps me pay my silly subscriptions, and more importantly it gives you access to my discord server, automatically, even though i suck at bots! i need to go back into my server settings and figure that out lol!

i hate that thing. that so many people do. that thing. that show. that so many people like. i hate it! however, hate is unconstructive. i should focus that passion and energy into love. into things that deserve love, like almost nothing left in my life.

obviously my cats are a huge exception.

i sit here, blogging, AND vlogging, (writing, AND filming myself writing). i sip my coffee. it is still warm. for a moment i find peace.

life is torment but i needn’t drag others into that. i’ll be back.

xoxo
zélie

it’s unfortunate that things ended up this way

cut me off, dad.

go on i expect it.

you were abusive, emotionally, verbally, physically, more?

i can’t talk about my mom. she might cut me off too, anyways, and i can’t not talk about her not because she’s never hurt me deliberately, but because she might read this. because i struggle to cover the cost of all my cat food and toilet paper every month so she helps me with specifically those items. paper towels. cat litter. that’s it. that’s okay. some people don’t even have that

when i brought up that i was raised in a “family cult” to possibly two parents with npd, one overtly and one covertly, i expressed frustration that it had taken me 28 years and i’d lost important relationships in the process, heartbreakingly important connections i had, due to my not knowing. now i know. now i know enough. but now is too late. my therapist reminded me that some people go their whole lives without any sort of realization like i’d had- they just live their muddled lives. i wanted to cry, because though in a way it is comforting to have figured it out before i had hit 30, at that time especially i was not over the fact that i had hurt a good man who at worst sexually assaulted me while drunker than he should be but never -never- literally penetrated and raped me… i had hurt him emotionally repeatedly and he was ready to move onto another girl, to follow the girl he’d desired after me but hadn’t told me about, while fucking me…i swear, he is a good man, i think. he didn’t deserve my vitriol at least. the girl who he got involved with second after me does deserve that vitriol, looking back at messages that she sent this blog. maddison. the dreaded. the you’re welcome, i know you adore your new facebook url and the permanent story i gave you behind it.

some new youtube (singular), because i mean whatever why not;

then we have the ever-present dilemma. no. not now.

nobody believes me really, except me, which is fine, because i know, and one day i’ll be aware and coherent enough to convey how things are. and you will all eat your words.

the organ synth is so important to me as a musical instrument. music is so important to me.

what else is there? besides art, and cats. certainly not other people. perhaps the self.

donate to my living costs here.

xoxo
zélie

and some of the rest

and so this chapter comes to a close. i’ll announce the newest one on here. link it, etc. don’t worry.

just not yet.

here are the youtube uploads… soon another video is coming, that will say similar things to this blog post. things like, i will still upload, but in a different way, and this won’t be my main focus.

anyways, here they are:

a new presence… an experiment, for me to benefit from.

a way to be healthier.

perhaps the details will come later. i have more to say, anyways. so for now, this chapter lies opened to its last page.

still opened.

does she smile, or does she mouth, “fuck you forever”?

xoxoxo
what a shame she went mad
zélie