crystals i ordered online etc

crystals are arriving today.

and other things (oops? not that i’m on a no-buy currently)

so, hello.

the person you wanted to be like sends me money now.

of course, that image is old. the hair! my hair is much lighter and longer now. i suppose i should show you all soon. i’m just so tired, but maybe pictures…? soon?

not that you can see my hair, but these harley quinn cosplay pics are recent:

of course, i am cosplaying her in a scene from suicide squad, namely this one:

margot robbie, let me be as beautiful as you pls.

so, the crystals are arriving today, and perhaps i will vlog them!

but who knows. who cares? who knows.

i am blogging and blogging and going and going and things are ok, i guess, but also bad, because always (the when are they not? etc) i don’t eat enough, and i’m worried about me, but like, it’s fine.

it’s fine. i’m fine.

truly the words of someone desperate to be perceived as “fine” (whatever that means!)

in that first picture, the very first one in this whole entire blog post (lol) i am wearing a jane mai shirt that says “cunt is such an ugly word i’m so pretty though”; and for a long time it was my favorite shirt. i love jane mai! we have sort of become acquaintances, to be an awful name dropper. i have been ordering things from her for years, so we have some sort of rapport. she has put nail polish bottles she knew were dupes of ones i wanted in my order boxes. and more! i love her!

i subscribed to cat marnell on patreon, because idk. the appeal is there. the writing is good. the photos are better (cat marnell’s photography skills are not spoken about often enough! they exist!!!) so i pay ~$6 a month now to read her articles. i can’t afford it, i do it anyways.

i can’t afford most things. i do them anyways. my december and january rent remain unpaid. please president biden, a 3rd stimulus check would save my ass at the very least (i jest; it’d do much more good than that!)

as always, my venmo is zelie my cashapp is $neoncherry my paypal can be found here and that’s about it! well, there’s always patreon, and onlyfans. lol. onlyfans is obviously very 18+. the patreon membership of $1 per month or more helps me pay my silly subscriptions, and more importantly it gives you access to my discord server, automatically, even though i suck at bots! i need to go back into my server settings and figure that out lol!

i hate that thing. that so many people do. that thing. that show. that so many people like. i hate it! however, hate is unconstructive. i should focus that passion and energy into love. into things that deserve love, like almost nothing left in my life.

obviously my cats are a huge exception.

i sit here, blogging, AND vlogging, (writing, AND filming myself writing). i sip my coffee. it is still warm. for a moment i find peace.

life is torment but i needn’t drag others into that. i’ll be back.


it’s unfortunate that things ended up this way

cut me off, dad.

go on i expect it.

you were abusive, emotionally, verbally, physically, more?

i can’t talk about my mom. she might cut me off too, anyways, and i can’t not talk about her not because she’s never hurt me deliberately, but because she might read this. because i struggle to cover the cost of all my cat food and toilet paper every month so she helps me with specifically those items. paper towels. cat litter. that’s it. that’s okay. some people don’t even have that

when i brought up that i was raised in a “family cult” to possibly two parents with npd, one overtly and one covertly, i expressed frustration that it had taken me 28 years and i’d lost important relationships in the process, heartbreakingly important connections i had, due to my not knowing. now i know. now i know enough. but now is too late. my therapist reminded me that some people go their whole lives without any sort of realization like i’d had- they just live their muddled lives. i wanted to cry, because though in a way it is comforting to have figured it out before i had hit 30, at that time especially i was not over the fact that i had hurt a good man who at worst sexually assaulted me while drunker than he should be but never -never- literally penetrated and raped me… i had hurt him emotionally repeatedly and he was ready to move onto another girl, to follow the girl he’d desired after me but hadn’t told me about, while fucking me…i swear, he is a good man, i think. he didn’t deserve my vitriol at least. the girl who he got involved with second after me does deserve that vitriol, looking back at messages that she sent this blog. maddison. the dreaded. the you’re welcome, i know you adore your new facebook url and the permanent story i gave you behind it.

some new youtube (singular), because i mean whatever why not;

then we have the ever-present dilemma. no. not now.

nobody believes me really, except me, which is fine, because i know, and one day i’ll be aware and coherent enough to convey how things are. and you will all eat your words.

the organ synth is so important to me as a musical instrument. music is so important to me.

what else is there? besides art, and cats. certainly not other people. perhaps the self.

donate to my living costs here.


and some of the rest

and so this chapter comes to a close. i’ll announce the newest one on here. link it, etc. don’t worry.

just not yet.

here are the youtube uploads… soon another video is coming, that will say similar things to this blog post. things like, i will still upload, but in a different way, and this won’t be my main focus.

anyways, here they are:

a new presence… an experiment, for me to benefit from.

a way to be healthier.

perhaps the details will come later. i have more to say, anyways. so for now, this chapter lies opened to its last page.

still opened.

does she smile, or does she mouth, “fuck you forever”?

what a shame she went mad

the distraction and other problems

hello all,

let’s get the inevitable sharing of my new youtube videos out of the way, shall we?

my 2021 intro

so there you have it, my progressively more restricted videos. well, not technically youtube-restricted, but restricted to 18+ and so not visible… on this… 18+ site…

i think it’s important that you know. i’m here to stay a while.

but my 2021 intro has things that are 18+ in them, so many videos may not be viewable on here. idk. i don’t really care – i make the videos for myself!

i brewed coffee, and alexis is coming, with milk, to help me hang out and clean. she offered, because she loves cleaning and helping people. weird, i know. but to barely-functioning me in messy apartment, that’s like a dream. so i said yes and here we are, she will be here any minute!

i’ve got photos to share, but not yet. their time will come. this is not a post for photos. for once.

i think of auto-saves on here as soft saves, and clicked saves as hard draft saves. is that logical? probably not.

i will be asking for donations this month, because i am hurting financially, i am two months behind on rent with less than $7 usd in my checking and an even smaller amount in my savings. so, not if it will impact your ability to pay bills, but if you have anything to spare, my paypal can be found here. i am working hard to make rent payments, hustling, if you will, but things are hard. things are hard for everyone!

my brain is scattered, and i should email my college advisor back. ah, yes, i am back at school soon, already crying about it internally.

i am trying my best! aaah!


ps. i love you all