i hope that my gaudy existence brings you some joy, sincerely, in part because it brings me none. not the gaudiness; the existence bit. i could be plain as beige and feel just as much pain every second; the glittery exterior is a mask i have chosen to construct. i may put it into words but rarely do i show others the pain behind it in anything other than terms so visceral that people look at shiny sugarcoated me and they barely believe it. the relationship between myself and pain (i know pain intimately) is a forbidden obsession that lingers.
i have on occasion done awful, horrible, no-good, very-bad things, which simply adds fuel to a self hatred fire. likely not to anyone reading this, but i have not only singed edges decaying to get rid of the infected flesh, but also myself been the shallow (and sometimes, not so) dagger that causes the infection to start and begin its probable festering.
i have a lot of feelings, and the world is a very small space to hold them. their magnitude has me crushed like a bug already… you think you can escape? ha.
i am doing the onlyfans thing again, which should only matter if you are going to go to my twitter and pay for a subscription, so i am promptly moving on.
now that there’s self deprecation AND self-promo, we really are beginning to put a whole new blog post together. well, i am! you’re just reading it. i shouldn’t accuse you of laziness since i don’t know your circumstances – just like not one person reading this even possibly could know all of mine. i have secrets in layers, like an onion that you can peel open to find more, even though i don’t really like onions.
van gogh was not well known except posthumously, and i often feel i will be the same, minus the becoming known after death part. ha! i’ll keeep my ears, for now. there’s a copy of van gogh’s letters published in a book somewhere on my wishlist, but that doesn’t matter much at the moment. i have too many books to read already, for one thing.
xena is on the bed with me, streetching gracefully and extending her long body then kicking my hand away as it approached her foot for pets. she lets boundaries be known. it’s a red flag if someone doesn’t like cats without trauma for me, since cats simply set boundaries and then enforce them, with violence if necessary. what else would you expect from a predator; an obligate carnivore?
i could include some pictures (as always.)
perhaps i shall dig something recent up
that’s enough for now. maybe more in the morning. definitely more soon.
i admit that i should have posted before now according to my own self-imposed standards, and it is slightly easier in all lowercase, casual no pressure writing. ha! no such thing. there is lower pressure, though, when you casually omit almost all capital letters (also this tactic adds extra emphasis when capitalization is, infrequently, used.)
i read the princess diarist by carrie fisher. no i haven’t read her other books, yet, but i read the first…more than half of the book in the ER. i can’t remember which recent ER trip it was. there have been three or four in the last, oh i don’t know, month? maybe a little more. i’ll be generous with that.
do you ever realize that something you, yourself did, was wrong, but after the fact. what’s done is done! you may never forgive yourself. fuck knows others certainly won’t. anyways. i am feeling scatterbrained.
i have posted so much on youtube since sharing a post here with videos from my feed that the very idea of sharing each and every one of those videos by finding and opening and copying and pasting the url for them is incredibly unappealing and actually makes me feel tired when i think about it. this has led to some people inexplicably (in my opinion- in my opinion it is inexplicable) following or rather, subscribing to my youtube channel, and once i hit 100 subscribers, the minimum for changing your url to a special word of your choice that is not taken, and that you can never change… i immediately did that when the option was available. you can now find my youtube channel more easily (and catch up on any videos you may want to there, including olaplex & chill season 2 episode 1) at the url:
there, i made it so easy for all of you to go look at it. please consider doing so, at least.
i have a therapy appointment in 15 minutes, and i am multitasking, something i know for a fact i cannot actually do. therapy will be good.
things are weird, though. i am not really coping; at the same time, i am learning how to stand on my own two feet… in such a way that if i fail, i will probably die. PERISHED, me. oh, i am being weird. oh no. it would be such a shame if only i cared
i saw a meme that encompassed that mood very nicely earlier, today even, but i am keeping this blog a meme-free zone! yes! i refuse to put any memes on here, unless maybe i made them (i reserve the right to change my mind about this at absolutely any time whatsoever) and so we shall move on.
i wanted to maybe consider charging for my writing – make it less accessible behind some paywall, on substack or even patreon or something – and that’s cute, but i don’t think i can, right now. income is a useful thing but i want my writing to be free!
i haven’t been writing poetry much, so that book has come to a standstill in terms of progress. here we are. frozen and apart. maybe we’ll learn to deal with it.
there was a very long-track tornado (or something? it went over 200 miles before it disintegrated and brought a record amount of rubble and debris into the air, very high). smaller ones, too. this is absolutely terrifying to me, though i live in an area where the tornadoes are few (though not nonexistent! AHH)
did i say yet that i’m scatterbrained? probably; i meant to. so i’m sure i likely did. i can’t remember, genuinely, and i do not edit when i blog, i simply write. my memory has become so stunted that cognitively it is embarrassing. you can blame my depression, or klonopin prescription, or stress (including the pandemic we are globally dealing with), or whatever you’d like, but i feel so unintelligent that it is ridiculous. i retained my extensive vocabulary and natural way with words, so i think that this writing is…passable…and my vocabulary actually makes me seem much more intelligent and cognitively abled than i am, by far, which is both convenient and incredibly inconvenient. i’m intelligent, until i’m not. i’m 29, and it feels like my brain is being eaten by worms, in tiny fragile bites.
my 2022 planner is selected, and it is the same as my 2021 one (well, except for the stickers.) i love a physical planner! if you really wanted to find my actions universally revulsive, you’d have to only plan things digitally, or you’d be too much like me! i love my planner, a page per day, and all the bells and whistles i could possibly need. i treat my planners kind of like journals, now. scrapbooks. they contain so many little memories and appointments and tickets and instax photos and stickers, oh there are SO many stickers. i do love stickers, though.
so, therapy begins shortly, and i guess i’ll end this post here. i love you. yes, even you. even the humans who have treated me the worst need kindness, though it certainly is odd for me to be the one providing it. more importantly, the worst kinds of people i know or knew, i cannot remain angry. it simply makes me more of a mess! i let things go for my own damn sake. don’t check up on people who hurt you, either. just love everyone and let that be it, maybe. people suck but i love them, with all their flaws and selfishness. with all their bitter bile actions at times. all we can do is try our best! universally, we mostly are. so here we are! i have rambled some more, but i should go…
literally just referring to this very site (sugarette dot net) since i pay fees for both the url and the wordpress plan i use.
i got new contact lenses in the mail today, and i figured out which box was for which eye (i had thrown my old boxes with sharpied L and R out!!!) and then i felt so much cuter with the new contacts in than with my glasses that i immediately did my makeup.
here’s a picture:
my health care is sort of in shambles right now, but that’s okay, because so am i, and i’m numb from all my stressors simultaneously being too much and also probably substances (alcohol mostly, a bit of weed, perhaps enhanced b7y my meds)
i don’t know what i am doing, but does anyone? i have learned so much about myself over the past couple of years, most of it things i never wanted to know or have to know about myself. i learned i am capable of cheating, repeatedly, on someone i loved more than anything, and then having a breakdown when they moved on (though, through technicalities, we never actually broke up, and are still dating. is that a comfort? i do not know. he has two girlfriends, but then i have two boyfriends.)
i’ve spent so much time trying to make things okay and all i seem to do is burn away not only the rot but also what is good, my touch does not aid no matter how good my intention. my intentions are good! i can’t prove this to anyone but myself but that is okay because i know it to be true, and to have been true in every instance no matter how demented my logic at the time.
i made an art deco sunburst crown, with a headband, zip ties, mod podge, star beads, and gold spray paint. it’s kind of cute, especially from a distance where it looks like it might be metal. you can view it in this instagram post i made.
nothing matters, or does everything matter? evern meandering thought processes that don’t need to be made public in, say, blog posts…? i feel that savannah brown has made multiple youtube videos on this topic now, and has done a better job than i could ever really bring myself to do, most damn likely. i do also want to self-publish a book of my poetry, though. i’m looking for a poetry editor and an artist, the artist will be doing quite a few small illustrations to go with poems as well as creating the cover art. that’s the plan, anyways. i’d like to do, oh i don’t know, perhaps a million things, most of them impossible for me now.
i don’t think i posted since i turned 29. i’m almost 30! weird, right? i used to be a teenager with a tumblr back in 2009 and shit.
if you hadn’t noticed, i dyed my hair back to its natural hair color, and i plan on not dyeing or processing it chemically again, at least until my healthy natural hair has reached its terminal length, and then maybe i will dye it pink again, or blonde, or not, depending on circumstances.
i have a friend who is allergic to bleach, and know of another girl who became allergic to gel nail polish, and both of these possibilities terrify me. my long gel nails are how i stop myself from attacking my face with- okay, dermatillomania. they also help my trichotillomania! so i need those… and then there’s the prospect of bleach, and baby, i’m a bleach baby. nuh uh, do not let that happen to me PLEASE.
alex got me a tamagotchi for my birthday, which is very cute but also brings back the traumatic memory (jk kind of but really) of the tamagotchi i won as a prize in a magazine poetry contest as a young child dying while i was at school because my mother forgot to feed it for me. i’m not sure i’m ready for another tamagotchi commitment. it really is very, very cute though.
maybe i will hang it on my wall. i was watching youtube the other day, and this girl vlogger had a line of neatly hung tamagotchis on her wall, i assume from years past, and it is just so darn cute! so i might do it with my tamagotchi (singular) too.
i really only came back here today to make sure i posted SOMETHING, and i think what i’ve written already qualifies as a full blog post, 100%. however, i cannot seem to stop writing! i really enjoy it, it’s funny how that works. i thought i had my soulmate in a writer and fellow sworker but nothing really matters. i found a text he sent me a long time ago, when i was treating the relationship poorly and him poorly, in which he offered to give up drinking for me. that’s so much! i wish i had taken him up on it, but regrets get me nowhere. he has already lost a piece of himself in me too. i know this because i am incredibly sensitive to the presence of him.
i have another ex, a leo, whose birthday is soon, and he is wonderful but i am completely moved on! good thing since he has a new girlfriend as of very recently, too! we stay in touch but i feel nothing romantic or even sexual for him any more. so that’s easy! i can accept things being bad in other situations when some are not as hard. too many stressors at once and i collapse. how selfish of me.
i wish to write here more, i love writing, i do, i just never actually… start doing it. wow! weird.
kitty invited me to her wedding ceremony, which is very exciting, but i don’t think i can go. i wish i could! if i could tell past me that i am friends with kitty now, past me would have been very happy for present me. just like present me is, except i am learning more and more how much every single person on this decaying planet is suffering, and they are only that, a person, navigating life by themselves in the end, maybe experiencing happiness some of the time but we are all having a hard time! especially during this fucking pandemic, jeez louise. there’s another spike in cases in the usa starting already. a third, fourth spike in covid-19 cases? i don’t even remember. as an agoraphobe, i am largely okay. i also am completely vaccinated and i wear a mask when i go out – even to check my mail!
i’m not sure what to do about the, you know, life thing. besides write. somehow writing is soothing but i’m also more tense than i’ve ever been.
my mom and i finally cut contact fully, as in we don’t even communicate now, she doesn’t even send cat food bought from amazon to my house or call me. it’s fine, probably better, because abusive parents are very difficult to deal with. i braced myself before phone conversation with her for a while now before this. i am not fine, but it is fine.
i have some very kind friends helping me with purchasing food for my fur-babies (xena & sabrina, in case you forgot) for now, and i have to do some budgeting. you can always donate to me through paypal or ko-fi which even allows recurring payments. i provide access to my discord server, a not hugely exciting place though a place i do hang out sometimes, for $1 or more a month to my patreon, which is rarely updated at present.
not that i’m begging desperately for money right now, just that; you know, if you have extra, i would appreciate any help right now. don’t put yourself in harm’s way to help me and my cats, though.
i have been mostly independent financially for a while. i will miss my mother, even though she stresses me out and treats me badly, and i will find satisfaction in not relying on either parent for ANYTHING, not even cat food or half-baked unhelpful emotional support at times that are convenient for her, which is rare.
i’m not losing much. i honestly lost her in a way years ago, when she kind of went numb and never stopped being that way. she tells me that transition in her personality is my fault, or she did, when i talked to her. perhaps it is. perhaps she is scapegoating me again, because i have the guts and audacity to call her and my father out on being literally abusive, whether overtly or covertly.
i’m also being harassed again, but they don’t deserve my attention here, certainly not in this post.
sabrina has been very adorable and clingy lately. i’m confused by the weather, but not complaining about it. i have been getting headaches for the first time in a long time. i think it is mostly dehydration. my vocal chords and really my whole entire body are very dehydrated almost all of the time. i scrape by with just enough hydration to stay alive! i need to work on that.
okay, enough writing for today. i guess. i think? signing off now.
aliens find me, declare me a genius! jk. but anyways.
i turned 29, was harassed again on my birthday (but thankfully didn’t see it until the next day), and so on and so forth. does it matter? (yes.)
i put a lot of work into my website lately, setting up zeyspace and zelie.tv which is currently terrible but will one day look good. i love relearning/learning new html and css!
when i haven’t been setting up small web webpages, i have been doing other things. i have some workbooks, but especially my art and writing have been calling to me lately.
sometimes, i even edit a video, but that’s infrequent, kind of. i’ve been working on editing the same vlog for weeks.
someone, i assume my harasser, keeps trying to get into my accounts. trés annoying!
anyways, i am still here, still existing. i try to keep things under control in my mind. it’s hard.
i have been slowly buying components to construct, probably on video, an art deco halo crown like this! it will be made of zip ties, beads, and a headband. i will also use a glue gun and gold spray paint. i am very excited. today, my pony beads in star shapes arrived. soon, i will buy the spray paint.
i love a small arts and crafts project; or several in one!
it’s hard to talk when you know everything you say will be read by people. i have always tried to keep my audience small; deleting my tumblr again and again and reclaiming the “zelie” url, for starters, back around 2010 or 2011.
perhaps i know nothing.
does it matter? does anyone know anything? let’s be real here, no façade, put that away.
i am so depressed lately! functioning is hard, but i soldier on. my brain has started track 12: suicidal ideation on repeat again, but i’m fighting it and it’s working. it is a dull thumping, not the sharp sounds i heard as a teen and into my early 20s.
i identify as someone who is “almost 30” now, which makes sense, because i just turned 29. it’s weird. i’m not used to it, nor do i enjoy it, but i do wish to see how my saturn return impacts me.
everything starts to make more sense as i am finally able to gain emotional maturity at a faster speed thanks to those around me being positive influences rather than the deadweights or worse of my past.
i realize things about casey. i realize things about myself. i realize things about myself in relation to casey… my behavior while with him… i shudder, knowing i can never talk to him and help him understand why i behaved in certain ways that i regret.
realizing things about myself, in general, is arguably more important. i am very proud to announce that i have realized at least 1 or 2 insignificant things about myself since i spoke to you last – lol – but they add up.
i uploaded two covers (both bad) of wuthering heights by kate bush to my youtube. there they shall stay for the foreseeable future.
i uploaded other things, too. go check it out! it’s a fun time full of THIS IS FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.
but this blog i do want to be slightly more palatable than my youtube. i am not scaring away followers here, though the quantity occasionally alarms me, i wish to occasionally provide advice and at this point at least insight into my health problems. at worst i am vulnerable. at best i save lives.
i already know, i have been reached out to, for my blog and how it has touched people through this wild thing we call the internet… it is almost always a good feeling, especially the times when i’ve helped someone, and that happens somewhat regularly! i am very lucky! a lucky me indeed.
i have been listening to renegade by big red machine ft taylor swift a lot lately. i listen to songs until i am sick of them, except i rarely get sick of them. i covered it, but most importantly, i love it. here is the original:
yes, i remain a stereotype of a certain manic pixie white girl thing. panic pixie dream girl! as the brilliant leah, who i doubt reads this blog but who has been my dear friend for years, coined, as a term. she is smart, and BRAVE. i love her. she has overcome things in ways i am glad i may never have to. i have been an integral part of her life plot at times, but as she’s gained career success and i’ve become more engulfed in the adult industry and creating adult entertainment as a side gig, we eventually drifted apart (in some ways; in others we remain the same…? it’s alright, i guess. maybe part of being an adult). i will not name her in full in this post, out of respect for my friend or perhaps former friend, person who i am extremely fond of after many years.
this cover may actually be good, if you’re interested:
i was too afraid to cover that song for a very long time.
i also suggest this video, if you’re playing catch-up:
i probably posted it here on this blog already (hi, memory problems!), but it’s important, y’know?
i was right – it was the 1980s. in fact, it was last changed in the year 1989. so i was also correct when i mentioned that it was that long ago; ha! most importantly, please please support this bill.
i want to feel like a person, kind of, maybe? the borderline personality disorder causes chronic identity issues but it sure would help if i was allowed to get married without penalty or save more than a measly $2,000 TOTAL in ASSETS. yes. did you watch the video yet?
are you hydrated? go get some water if you need to. i don’t plan on keeping you here reading this much longer, but it’s important to stay hydrated nonetheless, and i may veer off course and write a small novel! (i jest)
i want to tattoo cherry blossoms on myself, and get my candy heart tattoos, but i am also poor and still afraid of leaving my home lest i catch covid-19 (yes, despite being fully vaccinated and having waited) or just have some kind of panic attack in public, or digestive-symptoms-attack, which is also likely and unpleasant, though i’ll spare you the details of my gastrointestinal woes for today.
is that plenty? i feel like that’s plenty, but also, there’s always room for more. especially on the internet.
still, i need to go make myself another coffee before i can relax and smoke weed and figure out how to neatly tie up and finish this post!
i also fed the cats and checked the fruit fly trap i set up recently. it’s working!
something that i want to do more often, as a hobby, coping technique, whatever – is making candles. i have gold mica to make them sparkly now, and citronella oil to make bug-unfriendly candles to keep mosquitoes at bay while it’s burning. i love a good citronella candle on a night-time porch sitting extravaganza, whether it be barely an extravaganza at only two individuals or a literal party (i think i know the latter from maybe two experiences at most), a citronella candle will come in handy and be appreciated by many! of course, some people don’t like the smell, but i do.
we will probably discuss candles more in the future.
for now, though, i will discuss today’s makeup look. it brings me joy! let me have my moment… so, the colourpop x hello kitty summer 2021 collection, that i totally didn’t need, right??? i love it! i bought some of it as a present for a friend of mine because i decided they needed some of the collection too (and their birthday is coming up.) and today i used an eyeshadow palette and a blush – the less pinky blush, you know? i’m sure you can research it and find it if you care. it’s more of a coral-orange-red than a cool toned in your face PINK, but it’s still pink-hued. i am excited to try, as i referred to it, in your face PINK blush too.
i’m wearing orange eyeshadow, because the blush goes high up close to my eye. it’s a look. no, really! it goes back and everything. i’m mostly referring to the cover of my favorite björk album, post. her blush there is a cotton candy cool toned VIVID dream! i’m in love! combine that with my first kiss being with a british girl i met when i lived in england still who was named Isobel, Izzy for short, who later truly betrayed me. at first, though, i loved her, and on the weekends home from boarding school i’d play post and listen mostly to isobel but also every other track every time. ugh, they are all so good!
izzy, or isobel, had similar light-brown dark-blonde avril lavigne circa let go hair to my natural hair (which is more or less what i’m sporting these days), and grey eyes (gray? that one always confuses me.) and oh, she smelled amazing. she was soft. i was infatuated and smitten and all of that. i remember, even this many years later, her sitting next to me against a wall so we could secretly hold hands, and her reassuring me by stroking her thumb across my palm as she held my hand. i will never not associate that action with her, probably.
oh, to be a 12 year old unaware-that-i’m-bisexual-just-liking-people girl again.
i mean, no, that year was hell, because of how isobel ended our relationship… truly, i cannot express that enough! one day i plan to write more extensively on the horrors of my year at clifton college, but not today.
it sounds dramatic, but i am actually underplaying it. a year has to be especially bad to teach you bulimic tendencies, self harming, and how to attempt suicide all in one calendar year session! that was me when i was 12.
i had my first depressive episode at 11, and it lasted until i was 13, when i immigrated to the usa from england.
then, at 16 i had my next one, and i thought it would be similarly short. ha! it is not. i say “is” because i am still in that same depressive episode, 13 years later. ugh!
well, that’s all for now! as the lovely bailey sarian on youtube says, “make good choices.”
oh damn! goddamnit baby once we could’ve had a real life; living, fucking, smoking weed at our own liberty but everything does damage and though i tried to help by adding you to my phone plan i’m far from an exception. it’s absolutely fine, okay, you can blame me, baby, stop crying, blame me! blame me! does that make it easy? i’ll take all the blame, but i truly still can’t lie to you now, scorpio rising truth falls where ruins run
places in the past i can no longer go because nostalgia takes me to when and where we got weird just for fun and i know anyone wise knows with death comes rebirth so i should just accept it and things as they are now but first, just this time, now i’ve got your attention, why do i hurt so and why does it take so forever ever ever long i look an awful lot like i think you once would’ve cherished but now it’s never time to be more than numb
so with these thoughts and more and less back then i tried to be a person i swear i did my best i took the appointments and the respite and the psychiatric tests everything i did was something like i did everything the elders told me like i let so many men do that to me too you tell me since then i shouldn’t’ve, but where then when i didn’t know, where back then were you?
i know i’m not your problem i was for only just about one year depending on who you ask we were together forever but you could tangerine-erase me and i’d be tarred and feathered willingly i swear i never meant wrong but you won’t believe me saying that even as you see me caked in mostly my own fear i sit here on your doorstep with nothing but shame, excuses, hopes for forgiveness; no idea whether to reconnect, as you can plainly see
but i do not sit at the one outside your home where you taught me how to sit through a movie without flinching not where you spent so long smiling learning things about me as if i was some magical thing before i became wretched in your head i’m sure you’ve forgotten them baby, i haven’t forgotten what happened or how to see i’m in the home you made for us that i never let let go or truly set free, the one you stood outside of smoking cigarettes and talking to an australian girl or perhaps someone else about me
i never thought we weren’t together then or later, not when – i’m so sorry – i left you alone under the hot hot sun later i didn’t think it meant anything, when you missed my july birthday party, i thought it was just a trivial covid thing that had to be, i was hurt but it didn’t matter because i still thought then that we’d get married when we were done, i still hought we were soulmates, now she puts that word on the internet like you’re her pet meat but that’s okay, she’ll see
you are a fighter; an aries ram! but maybe without the hate i let fester when i didn’t even know she won’t give you reason to leave like my bloated cheating and hurting you in fears of i still don’t know how to correct the muck in the murk she’s still, controlling, excuses you gave me way back when, don’t seem to go far don’t seem to show you how bad things get and that there are thousands better than her, me, any shallow fuck, or any flirt,
mental health disorders do things and my brain doesn’t never really did work like it should, oh yes chronic mental health problems fuck with anything they bring and i never lived like i could i had potential i had regular life house pets front yard once long ago or maybe just i should and i was gonna change every policy in my head just for you, my intention was that i genuinely would
but now i cower in the shadows of my own apartment home where you first spoke words to her, where you called to save her (where you wouldn’t have if not for me) and as i remember that day i suppress a scream, then i take my swollen hurting tongue and instead i linger in the flavors you’ve left here for me to savor far too much time later i wish i tasted your sweet honeysuckle words back when they were meant for me, they were once meant only for me
i wish i knew then that honeysuckle could just be sweet, lovely honeysuckle and not poison. it’s true, i never thought that anything normal would work and i fought and ended things and i was selfish, too many things i regret but not one word of my truth could even work with you, i froze myself in my own prison i let my flesh become my petrified cave, i let my hatred see me here until the end of days no matter how few
damn! damn! i’m sorry i once so wholly loved you in such close proximity with only a trick window to view me and how i kept it all inwards it was beautiful and i thought you did the same thing, i thought you saw the same pristine views but you showered me with affection instead, i should’ve done the same, i know it sounds odd but i see that only now, i don’t expect anything, but the truth should be out there. i lived it now i wrote it, hoping one day that you’ll read it and know i now tell you truth