despite the title, i’m not tired of blogging or being a blogger. far from it.

i can’t keep my attention focused. click to discord, write about how – what was it – oh yes, how i love astrology. then click back to wordpress, write a pithy sentence about it in your blog post. keep the self-deprecating attitude. just keep writing. always.

i love to write. i know that this is primarily a mental health blog – both for advice and updates about my own, though some time ago it started being used for personal posts, poetry, and other things. today, i am going to talk, for now at least, about how much i love to write.

i made my first blogspot when i was maybe 10 years old. the oldest one i can trace is from when i was 13, and i last posted on that blogspot account in 2006 or perhaps even 2007, i believe.

the focus is kicking in. i’m pretty sure i have adhd – not sure, but my mother was diagnosed with it, and there’s a genetic component… and i have struggles that align so neatly with both adhd and autism that it is stark.

anyways, with writing, especially but not only blogging, i get to a place mentally which is different. it’s calmer, because writing is the only thing that matters. at risk of sounding boring, it’s like words truly do flow out of me and all i can do is document the results of my own brain and try to fix typos in time as my thoughts spiral into some meandering path that is hard to follow but oh, it can be so beautiful. perhaps this post is kind of me bragging, but in addition to my writing ability/speed and creativity (and many, many negative qualities) and even in addition to feeling meant, or destined, to write, i calm down when i write in a way that perhaps oil pastels or acrylic paints can make me do in the psych ward when i go to art group, but…

well, does it matter?

that’s when the depression hits, it comes back around. it was never really gone, things just got manageable somehow for a time.

so i suppose this isn’t a post about how much i enjoy writing any more. how much it literally saves my life, without my misusing the word “literally” there, because it has and does and likely will again.

it’s a slow burning – acid burn, not fire – death of joy and rise of deep, dark depression that crumbles your mental surroundings and freezes your state into a stuck thing. it hits me every night lately.

i want to go camping. separately, i want to go to the beach. the sea. preferably the atlantic ocean. i have taken so many transatlantic flights in my life, i am fonder of that one, but don’t tell the beautiful others – especially the huge pacific. oh no, i am being weird.

so here with my depression and nothing else right now, i will update you on my youtube video presence in the form of embedded videos:

and those are the videos.

the last one, a cover of a michelle branch song (that appears on buffy the vampire slayer) is showing up weirdly in my post preview, so we’ll see how that goes.

i made a little audio clip, but you won’t be hearing it just yet. it’s on a webpage for now.

i have this box of hooks. on the other end of the hook is a small clear flat piece of plastic, perhaps acrylic, with strong apartment-safe (i hope) adhesive on it, like a command strip. like a command strip hook, even, only more flexible and shaped differently in general. also, possibly not as good, adhesive-wise.

i want to restart 365days. i haven’t attempted it since at least 2016. i spent most of my teens taking wildly artistic and bizarre self portraits, and i am grateful for that, though few of the files remain, and the flickr account i used is long deleted. here is my new one, in case you have flickr and would like to follow me.

i haven’t started the project yet, though. i will. i will. i rejoined the group and everything. i’ve wanted to complete this project since i was like, 16 or 17 years old.

i downloaded hinge, but i’ve been ignoring it because i am bad at decision making and perhaps more importantly it is stressful! an overwhelming app! i have too many matches.

so should i update you all on the minutia? i still drink a lot of coffee, with milk or a dairy substitute to buffer the acidity for my stomach and gi illnesses, and i still spill some of that coffee on myself frequently. i don’t know. xena got blood tests done and she’s healthy; so is sabrina although since she’s only four years old i didn’t get a blood panel done on her by the vet.

i love them both so much. a day of laying in bed, crying perhaps more, cuddling sabrina and xena alternately sounds divine. by divine, of course i mean “the only bearable thing, i am so tired.” is that my cue to stop writing? i never want to stop writing.

however, my focus is waning due to my tiredness, so perhaps i will go lie down with one of my esa cats after all. life can be not so bad. one minute at a time.

xoxoxo
z