what it is you think i should

first of all, listening to this:

i don’t know. things get hazy a lot, like right now.

i wake and bake, and drink my morning 5 coffees with milk (to buffer the acidity of the coffee for my sensitive gi system and gi issues), which are bad for me, and then i am probably due to take a medication, anyways i seem to have entered a country section of my music library (downloaded and mostly bought) because this just came on:

i’ve made videos, too, since i posted here, but now isn’t the time to share them. it’s too bad my brain is so disordered.

i do have a patreon, which i plan on starting to use.

not that it really matters. boy, am i depressed!

the ocd server pings me, part of the support team. i don’t have it in me right now. i am sat here writing this blog post like a diary entry, but do i have the spoons for anything else? perhaps not. this already feels like a full use of my productivity.

it’s fine. i’m fine.

i did my makeup this morning, painted over the sadness, and there was a charlotte tilbury mini lipstick that was my sephora birthday gift (well, part of it) and makes my lips look plump. i already had a mini for whatever reason but i am glad i rediscovered this.


the volume confuses me


do you know what that means? of course, you know what some things mean. but the italic x i place in my posts every now and then? do you know what that means???

i also meant auditory volume, not because it was too loud, just, i couldn’t figure it out.

after getting a resounding yes from mental health discord servers when i asked autistic people if you can self-diagnose autism, i’ve been blamed for doing just that. well, i’m pretty certain i’m not allistic. of course you don’t understand, unless you yourself are autistic. it’s like how allistic people understand other allistics really well… i think. i get along well with other people who have it, who also constantly tell me about my autistic and sometimes probable adhd characteristics, while loving, while laughing, but in all seriousness, too.

i think i might have dyed my hair since i last blogged. well, no, i published a half-baked poem. it’s okay. i scare them away. they know i can hold my own like most can’t and that frightens people.

i am strong. not physically, though i maneuver my body in strange acrobatic ways to get around my apartment as though i were being paid for it. no, i mean i am strong, inside, my mars taurus, my strong placements that may not be appetizing, but they have worked so well for survival. if you don’t believe in astrology, simply replace that with my traits, and my learned coping mechanisms. if you like, do both.

does it have to make sense? to be rational? to have worth… i say no.

i am being harassed again, by others, a joke at this point really. i am aware that i must be part of the problem, since people keep harassing me, but it makes their actions no less disgusting to me. no more justified. nobody should harass anyone, i have learned this the hard way. it is inhumane.

i forget if i have posted these maobabie prints on my blog before, but in case i haven’t, here you go…

those are mine, i took them. this is not my image, and i do not know its source (please tell me if you know!) but i wanted desperately to share it, so here we are:

so, avril lavigne posed in the same spot 20 years after let go was released in the same spot the cover photo was taken. even i, a photographer, hadn’t spent enough time thinking about that until she went and imitated her earlier photograph.

i love avril lavigne; i have since i was maybe 8 or 9 years old, and i heard “complicated” in the literal locker room at school, back before i immigrated to the usa.

so i was in england, listening to avril, and i kind of looked like her, you know, when i don’t dye my hair (which i didn’t until i was 11 years old) it is the same natural color as hers and straight like she straightened it then. i was small and have a similar button/ski-slope nose and eyes and even worse, i dressed like her, ties and all, so the comparisons came rolling in. i had a really big avril lavigne poster. like, really big. almost as big as my evanescence poster that was really just a full length photo of amy lee in a long dress with her hair down, and her makeup done. i am not sure i could remember exactly which photo it was if i tried.

but oh, i used to love evanescence. lately, they released a song “the game is over”, which i like.

i have to leave some things to talk about for the podcast… kind of, you’ll see, i suppose. no more clues! only changing the topic rapidly!

my undereye circles remain dark, though a vitamin c cream for sensitive eye skin might do the trick, at some point. i am doing research on skincare. of course i love cosmetics, but it was mostly makeup and hair. skincare and nails were lost on me until recently, and i still don’t know much about self-tanning! at all! go ask cat marnell. if you ask her on her patreon she will probably respond, i used to subscribe and she responds to every comment on her, uh, articles. articles!

patreon is a valid publishing platform, if a little risky.

grimes has come on now, a totally different vibe. yes, that one album she made while procreating with elon musk. now she’s with chelsea manning, i believe. i hope that they are happy together.

maybe i should check the ocd server ping. it is really starting to annoy me, the little red circle notification. it won’t go away until i look, and though the content is occasionally triggering, it is easy to ignore, and i believe now it is too late for me to help anyways.


i ended up helping them. i am exhausted. i am signing out for now. love you all. xxooo


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