i haven’t been able to upload to youtube, because my pc broke when the admin user files were corrupted during an update. it took about a week for me to figure out how to fix it! here i am, typing on my pc, proud of myself for learning so much in order to fix it. calling both microsoft and asus customer support despite a fear of phones.

things have been a mix, really. good and bad. take your pick.

i won’t tell you all the stories i have for you yet though. for one, i have been vlogging my frustration and oddly out of character optimism about every pc fix that then didn’t actually work.

i have to import those files, and edit them, before you’ll see that particular story. sometimes i think about being a storytime youtuber, a la tana mongeau etc, but i have reservations. i have to do things right. i also want to do more sit-down, dslr-filmed youtube videos in general. less vlogs. less webcam. old footage maybe. less new vlogging after this… hey, maybe i will change my mind.

it is wild the emotional maturity that approaching your 30s brings to you if you are living your life in a way that allows for growth. i am learning so much, and i am now a self-diagnosed autistic person, although i am not certain about it, i also completely am, and i’m being tested for that and adhd and other things soon, so we’ll know either way for sure.

i coded my website a little more so that it looks better. i made a little blinkie for my discord server in photoshop. i coded it some more. i need to make a site blinkie or several, and other things, still.

the url of my website is zelie dot tv. or zelie.tv if you will. zelietv.com also forwards to it. go on, pick one and run with it. feel the water in your hair, pulling you down into a dreamworld. let the sirens drag you under but you don’t drown, you just become something else, something a little broken, maybe permanently, but beautiful nonetheless. of course, this is not true in real life, water suffocates us and we drown then emerge swollen and discolored, if we emerge at all.

soon i will post some new youtube content. i want to, at least. it is a goal.

people keep assuming things and then i keep losing friends, but the common part of the pattern is me, i am a big part of the problem. i am trying to communicate with less violent words and to be more aware of my…everything. i let myself become the least aware person! i could have missed anything. i missed some things for sure.

it is my 30th birthday in under a month. that means i’m legally obligated to post this birthday wishlist so that you can buy me a present or two or more. or not. whatever you want, really. i just get to post the link. repeatedly, if i’d like.

some people will never listen to me, because of how i talk. that has to be okay. i can change certain things, other aspects of my communication are their prerogative to accept or adore or hate or whatever. i am defensive constantly because to my bpd brain every little insult is worse, because neutrality is anger as perceived by those with the disorder – have i told you about that study, where they had bpd patients and a control group react to facial expression images? most people got most of them right. the bpd group almost entirely viewed every neutral face as angry, though. no wonder we’re always on the defensive. some friends won’t listen to that, which is fine if i lashed out, but in this case, they were doing the lashing, and that tends to incur defensive behavior in me anyways. maybe it’s the ptsd, baby.

i am fairly sure (not 100%) that i haven’t posted my most recent youtube videos, so i’m about to check my youtube channel and my blog archive (for this blog, specifically) and post a few, at least, if i can.

x

oh, yes… there are too many options. i will post them all.

x

this will be a lot:

most of these are bad, i should warn you.

tw suicide:

it’s wild how much difference the little things can make in your everyday survival. take away a coping mechanism, that’s hard. take away over 20 coping mechanisms because the person is too mentally ill? okay then. that doesn’t seem like a good move. you do you i guess. it’s not like anyone deserves that, though.

you are no better than me. only different. at least today.

have you truly never heard of a professional mess?

oh, i forgot to mention, i even left a guestbook on my silly little neocities website. best viewed on pc.

those are really, really bad.

my hair is pink now. well, pinker than it was.

my eyelids are drooping and i am ready to go back to sleep after a night spend time fixing my beloved pc.

xoxo,
z