so i’m sat here with slightly-too-tight over-ear headphones on, my favorite white marshall ones actually, the bluetooth ones, the ones i kind of want airpods despite owning already.

leg pains, because of atypical anorexia/ednos? who knows! it is what it is!

it could be the diagnosed but not proven arthritis (i need to set up an appointment with my doctor’s imaging dept to get x-rays, still.) that makes me hurt so, or the undiagnosed but probable chronic physical illness that is ehlers-danlos syndrome. i’m not saying i have it, but i fit the diagnostic criteria and several friends i’ve had with it as a professionally dxed disorder in their list (it’s always a list of comorbid conditions, isn’t it? it’s rarely one.) have expressed surprised at my NOT having it for a diagnosis. wild. wild? i don’t know. it would actually make a lot of sense – explain unexplained gastroinstestinal chronic health issues and joint pain that may or may not be (but my doctor seems to think is probably) arthritic pain. there’s more! nobody likes a person who they feel like whines to them constantly, though.

on that note, people remember how you made them feel. i was watching through old footage, and realizing things, like that i literally would not hear things people i knew would say and i guess that’s a large part of why eventually they got sick of me. that and the (also not currently diagnosed but probable) adhd.

i want to include some more… well, everything! photos! videos! links! media galore.

when i say links, i even mean links; like this link to my new flickr that i made. i have one follower right now! over a million views to one follower is quite a shift, but my old flickr account is deleted just like my old facebook (not the oldest facebook i have, mind you) and while it is distressing and probably not for the better… it also just is.

sort of like me and my ex. not the one who stole my tv and slim ps2 and games for it! no, the one before that. you know. or you don’t. i don’t talk about my love life much online…i don’t really know how.

i’ve been in love, and i have regrets.

watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again. let the disc stay in the blu ray player on menu loop until you get the screensaver. lay down and fall asleep. a new day. that’s something!

here’s my most recent video, for whatever sudden reason:

i covered this song once before, and i don’t think i posted it to this blog, so here:

i don’t recommend watching the second one – the first one i made – if you get headaches from certain visuals. it’s headache-inducingly distorted just enough to be noticeable, really. the first one i linked, aka the second one i recorded, with more synths and less head voice and more diaphragm, it is edited more. for some reason adobe premiere pro was like, have a fast editing process for this video, you can use gpu acceleration for once! so i included part of a photo that i took, that photo of that barnes & noble collectible edition of sylvia plath’s the bell jar and also her collected poems. it has silver foil leaf on the paper edges. the hardcover binding is decorated with silver and metallic pink roses, with thorns (thurisaz! runes! i’ll get into that more one day.)

i’m kind of proud of editing that thing that way, to be honest. i think it’s cool.

anyways, i love sylvia plath because of how she lived, not her death, so stop looking at me like that.

i apparently need to fix my theme html and css before i can actually post an image properly… or transfer to namecheap! we’ll see! i don’t know honestly. i only even know about namecheap because of neocities.

the amount of things that need fixing is immense, immense in this world. it can be overwhelming. isn’t that pressure? isn’t that life in a capitalist society, where we can only do so little?

i guess i might include more videos.

lol

here’s the first one i made after i stopped posting all my videos (other than that mark lanegan tribute one, and like two other exceptions) in my sugarette dot net blog posts, to go in chronological order after already fucking that up…!

this was the result of my attempting a project which may have been silly to attempt and certainly didn’t go very far. i did about three days…?

i’ll include day 3 next, for order, even though it wasn’t quite the next video…

and here was the video that interrupted days two and three:

oh, yes, so worth your time, i know.

i have “august” by taylor swift stuck in my head.

BACK WHEN WE WERE STILL CHANGING FOR THE BETTER/WANTING WAS ENOUGH/FOR ME, IT WAS ENOUGH/TO LIVE FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL

anyways,

am i gonna embed everything here….? even the bad ones??? the answer is yes, go hydrate and get a snack or some tea, if i have my way you’ll be sat here in front of my words for a while, possibly even watching my silly little videos.

and yes. of COURSE i admit that some are bad! follow my learning journey, baby

are there more? oh, you betcha!! so many.

wild. pink lady apple hints. everywhere in the world. [redacted]…everywhere!

am i including every video, truly? the missing recent ones, at least? yes.

this post will have so many videos. just all in a row.

i joked on twitter the other day about my youtube being my video diary that ~300 people or more watch and judge me based on my most intimate moments. lmao! i am right though.

i’m not going to talk about ukraine and russia because, unfair though the situation is, it is not my life. that does not mean i do not care or feel empathy and sympathy. it simply means i will probably not be addressing it here.

i don’t even know why i made some of these videos!!!!

…did you notice, i’ve been doing a lot of video covers? hahah

no, we are not done yet.

that last video, cassettes trailer, is about my podcast, cassettes, that i am still working on restarting after taking down the Neon Cherry Girl episodes

this is so many embedded videos that my RAM is starting to have problems. good thing this will be done after and things can go back to being posted as they are recent…

next! we have a video i have already linked in this post… so we skip to the next one in these instances…

photo above by west mixed media. (also vocal mix by kitty)

that was the final one that i hadn’t posted and wanted to post here! whew.

i’ll try to post something more wordy tomorrow, or soon. you have bad art videos in the meantime.

xxoo,
zélie