rot, rotting, rotten

not a stalker and harasser’s intention to make me feel so good with their comparisons, just over half a year later. sorry linda (i am even using a fake name for you!) i could always tattoo your insult on my face like harley quinn before she removed it if the right circumstances arise (me? a professional tattoo parlor?)

indeed, for i have and will spend years agoraphobic and housebound “rotting” in my apartment like she hopes. her ableist anti-disabled rhetoric in action. only, rotting doesn’t create ugliness, it makes room for new living things from matter and nutrients. for change, but not in the ways perhaps she’d like – i’ll never reinforce linda’s lies to deflect her own (by her own descriptors) racist and transphobic views about her girlfriend coming up when i mentioned being triggered. i simply say what i know, which is little about either of them these days anyways.

i had to watch a true crime video otherwise linda would get mad, and the video that i chose is why her girlfriend did it, or is it that her girlfriend never did it so your words were irrelevant, hmmm? which one is it???

i know far more about cats. let me talk about cats, soon.

i don’t need to make sense like i am doing. i do linda a huge favor in not being chaotic for one moment, just to explain. i just wanted my words on record – i’m not really addressing it, yet, just preparing myself for when i do and when i do it is fact that i wrote these things now, just like you brought fucked up tropes into play, like i did not do here.

so unlike you. i wish to move on from hatred, and to be left alone. this is my personal blog, after all. perhaps m doesn’t matter either; i certainly stopped looking at her twitter a long time ago, though she’s probably reading this words i’m typing after they have been published.

a good place to be, my friend said, is where people are oh so concerned with what you think of them. i am no longer concerned wiht many people who are fixated on me! is this good? linda was obsessed with my remembering she did sex work, too, which is not outing anyone since i am not naming anyone. i am simply writing question marks near your living tombstone in the dirt of that part of my brain you demanded to occupy when i had forgotten you and your silly gummy shark order and figurine you that used my disability benefits to try to get for free.

i am simply writing question marks

rotten?

she said i’d never publish that she said that to my blog, but this is my blog – she meant my tumblr – and i suppose i will, after all, since this auto-publishes to there. perhaps linda will see it, and think about the flour covered pasta and the kitchens of italian-american families like hers, and like that of my bff jenny’s grandparents in middle and high school, but with less love, less love somehow than the stern grandmother telling her that her dyed-a-natural-but-not-her-natural-hair-color was trashy.

“don’t eat more than seven avocados in one day,” jenny once told me,

understand now? no? good.

i don’t intend to breed sense like you are so fixated on making of me. i am my own self and you can simply stand back in awe, or get out of my way.

so, here i am writing again. almost february! i wrote a poem recently, more for my therapist than for anyone else, or perhaps it was a post. then i wrote another poem (this time a poem for sure) and you can read it and if you have the empathy, perhaps you can seee the cracks where i had trouble transmutating my pain into words.

pain. suffering. you are glib and i hate it, i’d much rather forget you, all of you, than see your glib smiles through glass smeared with time as if it were vaseline.

every now and then, a moment of clarity shines through. i need to write these ones down on paper… or at LEAST here.

the less i write, the less i know.

unfortunately, that is a perfect note to end on, so see you all soon, hopefully.

x’s and o’s only for some of those reading this this time,
z

ps my youtube is also a good not to end on, so here is the end of my days talking about this unpleasant place i am dragged to off print, and here is the link to my youtube.

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