everything is so much.

i admit that i should have posted before now according to my own self-imposed standards, and it is slightly easier in all lowercase, casual no pressure writing. ha! no such thing. there is lower pressure, though, when you casually omit almost all capital letters (also this tactic adds extra emphasis when capitalization is, infrequently, used.)

i read the princess diarist by carrie fisher. no i haven’t read her other books, yet, but i read the first…more than half of the book in the ER. i can’t remember which recent ER trip it was. there have been three or four in the last, oh i don’t know, month? maybe a little more. i’ll be generous with that.

do you ever realize that something you, yourself did, was wrong, but after the fact. what’s done is done! you may never forgive yourself. fuck knows others certainly won’t. anyways. i am feeling scatterbrained.

i have posted so much on youtube since sharing a post here with videos from my feed that the very idea of sharing each and every one of those videos by finding and opening and copying and pasting the url for them is incredibly unappealing and actually makes me feel tired when i think about it. this has led to some people inexplicably (in my opinion- in my opinion it is inexplicable) following or rather, subscribing to my youtube channel, and once i hit 100 subscribers, the minimum for changing your url to a special word of your choice that is not taken, and that you can never change… i immediately did that when the option was available. you can now find my youtube channel more easily (and catch up on any videos you may want to there, including olaplex & chill season 2 episode 1) at the url:

youtube.com/c/zelietv

there, i made it so easy for all of you to go look at it. please consider doing so, at least.

i have a therapy appointment in 15 minutes, and i am multitasking, something i know for a fact i cannot actually do. therapy will be good.

things are weird, though. i am not really coping; at the same time, i am learning how to stand on my own two feet… in such a way that if i fail, i will probably die. PERISHED, me. oh, i am being weird. oh no. it would be such a shame if only i cared

i saw a meme that encompassed that mood very nicely earlier, today even, but i am keeping this blog a meme-free zone! yes! i refuse to put any memes on here, unless maybe i made them (i reserve the right to change my mind about this at absolutely any time whatsoever) and so we shall move on.

i wanted to maybe consider charging for my writing – make it less accessible behind some paywall, on substack or even patreon or something – and that’s cute, but i don’t think i can, right now. income is a useful thing but i want my writing to be free!

i haven’t been writing poetry much, so that book has come to a standstill in terms of progress. here we are. frozen and apart. maybe we’ll learn to deal with it.

there was a very long-track tornado (or something? it went over 200 miles before it disintegrated and brought a record amount of rubble and debris into the air, very high). smaller ones, too. this is absolutely terrifying to me, though i live in an area where the tornadoes are few (though not nonexistent! AHH)

did i say yet that i’m scatterbrained? probably; i meant to. so i’m sure i likely did. i can’t remember, genuinely, and i do not edit when i blog, i simply write. my memory has become so stunted that cognitively it is embarrassing. you can blame my depression, or klonopin prescription, or stress (including the pandemic we are globally dealing with), or whatever you’d like, but i feel so unintelligent that it is ridiculous. i retained my extensive vocabulary and natural way with words, so i think that this writing is…passable…and my vocabulary actually makes me seem much more intelligent and cognitively abled than i am, by far, which is both convenient and incredibly inconvenient. i’m intelligent, until i’m not. i’m 29, and it feels like my brain is being eaten by worms, in tiny fragile bites.

my 2022 planner is selected, and it is the same as my 2021 one (well, except for the stickers.) i love a physical planner! if you really wanted to find my actions universally revulsive, you’d have to only plan things digitally, or you’d be too much like me! i love my planner, a page per day, and all the bells and whistles i could possibly need. i treat my planners kind of like journals, now. scrapbooks. they contain so many little memories and appointments and tickets and instax photos and stickers, oh there are SO many stickers. i do love stickers, though.

so, therapy begins shortly, and i guess i’ll end this post here. i love you. yes, even you. even the humans who have treated me the worst need kindness, though it certainly is odd for me to be the one providing it. more importantly, the worst kinds of people i know or knew, i cannot remain angry. it simply makes me more of a mess! i let things go for my own damn sake. don’t check up on people who hurt you, either. just love everyone and let that be it, maybe. people suck but i love them, with all their flaws and selfishness. with all their bitter bile actions at times. all we can do is try our best! universally, we mostly are. so here we are! i have rambled some more, but i should go…

xxoo
z