if i pay for it, i might as well use it, right?

literally just referring to this very site (sugarette dot net) since i pay fees for both the url and the wordpress plan i use.

i got new contact lenses in the mail today, and i figured out which box was for which eye (i had thrown my old boxes with sharpied L and R out!!!) and then i felt so much cuter with the new contacts in than with my glasses that i immediately did my makeup.

here’s a picture:

anyways.

my health care is sort of in shambles right now, but that’s okay, because so am i, and i’m numb from all my stressors simultaneously being too much and also probably substances (alcohol mostly, a bit of weed, perhaps enhanced b7y my meds)

i don’t know what i am doing, but does anyone? i have learned so much about myself over the past couple of years, most of it things i never wanted to know or have to know about myself. i learned i am capable of cheating, repeatedly, on someone i loved more than anything, and then having a breakdown when they moved on (though, through technicalities, we never actually broke up, and are still dating. is that a comfort? i do not know. he has two girlfriends, but then i have two boyfriends.)

i’ve spent so much time trying to make things okay and all i seem to do is burn away not only the rot but also what is good, my touch does not aid no matter how good my intention. my intentions are good! i can’t prove this to anyone but myself but that is okay because i know it to be true, and to have been true in every instance no matter how demented my logic at the time.

i made an art deco sunburst crown, with a headband, zip ties, mod podge, star beads, and gold spray paint. it’s kind of cute, especially from a distance where it looks like it might be metal. you can view it in this instagram post i made.

nothing matters, or does everything matter? evern meandering thought processes that don’t need to be made public in, say, blog posts…? i feel that savannah brown has made multiple youtube videos on this topic now, and has done a better job than i could ever really bring myself to do, most damn likely. i do also want to self-publish a book of my poetry, though. i’m looking for a poetry editor and an artist, the artist will be doing quite a few small illustrations to go with poems as well as creating the cover art. that’s the plan, anyways. i’d like to do, oh i don’t know, perhaps a million things, most of them impossible for me now.

i don’t think i posted since i turned 29. i’m almost 30! weird, right? i used to be a teenager with a tumblr back in 2009 and shit.

wild.

if you hadn’t noticed, i dyed my hair back to its natural hair color, and i plan on not dyeing or processing it chemically again, at least until my healthy natural hair has reached its terminal length, and then maybe i will dye it pink again, or blonde, or not, depending on circumstances.

i have a friend who is allergic to bleach, and know of another girl who became allergic to gel nail polish, and both of these possibilities terrify me. my long gel nails are how i stop myself from attacking my face with- okay, dermatillomania. they also help my trichotillomania! so i need those… and then there’s the prospect of bleach, and baby, i’m a bleach baby. nuh uh, do not let that happen to me PLEASE.

alex got me a tamagotchi for my birthday, which is very cute but also brings back the traumatic memory (jk kind of but really) of the tamagotchi i won as a prize in a magazine poetry contest as a young child dying while i was at school because my mother forgot to feed it for me. i’m not sure i’m ready for another tamagotchi commitment. it really is very, very cute though.

maybe i will hang it on my wall. i was watching youtube the other day, and this girl vlogger had a line of neatly hung tamagotchis on her wall, i assume from years past, and it is just so darn cute! so i might do it with my tamagotchi (singular) too.

i really only came back here today to make sure i posted SOMETHING, and i think what i’ve written already qualifies as a full blog post, 100%. however, i cannot seem to stop writing! i really enjoy it, it’s funny how that works. i thought i had my soulmate in a writer and fellow sworker but nothing really matters. i found a text he sent me a long time ago, when i was treating the relationship poorly and him poorly, in which he offered to give up drinking for me. that’s so much! i wish i had taken him up on it, but regrets get me nowhere. he has already lost a piece of himself in me too. i know this because i am incredibly sensitive to the presence of him.

i have another ex, a leo, whose birthday is soon, and he is wonderful but i am completely moved on! good thing since he has a new girlfriend as of very recently, too! we stay in touch but i feel nothing romantic or even sexual for him any more. so that’s easy! i can accept things being bad in other situations when some are not as hard. too many stressors at once and i collapse. how selfish of me.

i wish to write here more, i love writing, i do, i just never actually… start doing it. wow! weird.

kitty invited me to her wedding ceremony, which is very exciting, but i don’t think i can go. i wish i could! if i could tell past me that i am friends with kitty now, past me would have been very happy for present me. just like present me is, except i am learning more and more how much every single person on this decaying planet is suffering, and they are only that, a person, navigating life by themselves in the end, maybe experiencing happiness some of the time but we are all having a hard time! especially during this fucking pandemic, jeez louise. there’s another spike in cases in the usa starting already. a third, fourth spike in covid-19 cases? i don’t even remember. as an agoraphobe, i am largely okay. i also am completely vaccinated and i wear a mask when i go out – even to check my mail!

i’m not sure what to do about the, you know, life thing. besides write. somehow writing is soothing but i’m also more tense than i’ve ever been.

my mom and i finally cut contact fully, as in we don’t even communicate now, she doesn’t even send cat food bought from amazon to my house or call me. it’s fine, probably better, because abusive parents are very difficult to deal with. i braced myself before phone conversation with her for a while now before this. i am not fine, but it is fine.

i have some very kind friends helping me with purchasing food for my fur-babies (xena & sabrina, in case you forgot) for now, and i have to do some budgeting. you can always donate to me through paypal or ko-fi which even allows recurring payments. i provide access to my discord server, a not hugely exciting place though a place i do hang out sometimes, for $1 or more a month to my patreon, which is rarely updated at present.

not that i’m begging desperately for money right now, just that; you know, if you have extra, i would appreciate any help right now. don’t put yourself in harm’s way to help me and my cats, though.

i have been mostly independent financially for a while. i will miss my mother, even though she stresses me out and treats me badly, and i will find satisfaction in not relying on either parent for ANYTHING, not even cat food or half-baked unhelpful emotional support at times that are convenient for her, which is rare.

i’m not losing much. i honestly lost her in a way years ago, when she kind of went numb and never stopped being that way. she tells me that transition in her personality is my fault, or she did, when i talked to her. perhaps it is. perhaps she is scapegoating me again, because i have the guts and audacity to call her and my father out on being literally abusive, whether overtly or covertly.

i’m also being harassed again, but they don’t deserve my attention here, certainly not in this post.

sabrina has been very adorable and clingy lately. i’m confused by the weather, but not complaining about it. i have been getting headaches for the first time in a long time. i think it is mostly dehydration. my vocal chords and really my whole entire body are very dehydrated almost all of the time. i scrape by with just enough hydration to stay alive! i need to work on that.

okay, enough writing for today. i guess. i think? signing off now.

xoxoxo
zélie

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