title half-inspired by the pandemic, half-inspired by this song:

sorry to leave you all with that second to last post then disappear, except i don’t think i left you all for that long (i have a terrible sense of time. time is a construct anyways right?) to be honest. i don’t quite recall and something in my stubborn brain doesn’t want me to check.

ok fine, i’ll open a new tab and check.

okay, so, it was over a week ago, and technically in the last month, but… i’ve definitely gone longer between posts.

so, the pandemic. it’s not over, but people are acting like it is, in some ways. i’m still mostly quarantining.

of course, black lives matter. i am making a video; it is in the works. i have tweeted NOT excessively but ALMOST excessively if such a thing were possible within the past few days to support black individuals and keep my allyship strong. i don’t feel the need to address that here beyond that, besides perhaps to say defund the police. my voice is not the one you should be listening to the most in 2020.

perhaps even that is incendiary. i do not care. i plan to stand for what’s right, as i have always tried to do.

i made some more youtube videos, including one that isn’t uploaded yet.

sabrina is, per usual, adorable in the thumbnail. i feel bad, for it seems slightly that xena gets less attention in this vlog. i assure you that she only gets less attention when she won’t let me pet her because she is sulking over sabrina getting attention – and as can see, she frequently asks for (and usually gets) attention. her sweet validation that mommy still loves her, and i do.

i might have covid-19, which is a fun thing about the world right now, and after reading this article i wonder if i am a “long haul” case with relatively mild symptoms. it has been months.

of course, my health is suffering. my apartment lies here an untidy embarrassing mess. my mood swings run rampant. my dizziness and headaches are worsening, and much more.

we are all suffering. i identify too much with willow circa the very end of season 6 of buffy the vampire slayer, wanting to end the world to stop all the suffering. it doesn’t work like that, though. i can’t magically bear all teh pain and depression in the world for everyone, though i’ve certainly thought about it – an act that probably puts me closer to feeling that way, without actually improving anything!

i have so much to say, and writing is so hard with decreased brain function and a shift key that refuses to work.

my finances are suffering. others need help more, so i will not beg for money, not today. i may need it, but others need it more.

oh, i finally started using bandcamp url zelie. zelie.bandcamp.com !

i have only covered songs so far. it is mildly embarrassing. i love to embarrass myself online. love that for me.

i sit here, miserable, or at least somewhat miserable, in my cozy one bedroom subsidized apartment with rose milk tea. sure, i ran out of non-powdered milk, even the long life oat milk that my mom bought me for some reason, kindness probably? she confuses me. mixed signals. anyways. i drank it all, mostly in coffee. i suppose i could sit here and watch footage i’ve recorded of myself drinking dalgona coffee with oat milk, and resent my past self for having milk when i don’t. or an oat-based dairy substitute, whatever. they both buffer the acidity of the coffee for my stomach.

my awful stomach.

xoxo,

zélie