well! i am editing a youtube video while i write this, because i like to do a million things at once (i do have 32gb of ram, after all.)

i don’t know if this post can or will actually soothe anyone’s spirit, but it’s certainly something to read – so, onwards i go!

things are odd right now. for me, and probably you, too. we are in various states of quarantine around the world due to covid-19. the timer for my coffee went off!!! i am very excited about this because i spent all day not realizing that i had the ground caffeinated coffee beans i so desperately wanted.

x

i have returned, with steaming hot delicious coffee. maybe go make yourself a cup right now, if you drink and and you consider it an appropriate hour for caffeine.

i’m kind of tired, but that’s partly what the coffee’s for (in addition to soothing my spirit)

x

it is the next day, and this post, while complete in a sense, doesn’t feel fleshed out enough to leave up like this.

it needs more pictures, for one thing.

i will address one of the elephants in the room now; i have quit my internet-based sex work. i filmed a video about it, before i did it, but who knows when that will be uploaded & edited. for the record, internet-based sex work is no better or worse than other forms of sex work like stripping and full service sex work.

i have goals still – to self-publish a book of poetry before age 30 in just over two years, to volunteer for a local rape/crisis helpline when i am doing better, that one book i need a college degree to photograph and write and travel and make, and more.

i must admit, in music tastes, a love for writing and publishing detail-oriented poetry, and youtube lighting schemes, i have become quite fascinated with savannah brown, the contemporary poet (who is younger than me!) and youtuber. there is no pretending it isn’t so – her influence will be clear on some part of my work, sooner or later. i hope to manage to keep it to influence, plagiarism has never been my thing since i learned what it was (at 12, after neatly reformatting an informative few websites into my powerpoint presentation because it was due soon and i had no idea what else to do, and i hadn’t learned that that was wrong until that moment)… i’d hate to be accused of blatantly copying someone i admire so. however, i feel that, especially with the good intention of having my own voice and style at all times, i am unlikely, as a british girl living in the usa, to find myself replicating the experiences and art of a girl who moved from the usa to the uk.

here is a song savannah brown introduced me to in one of her videos:

also, i preordered her poetry book coming out, which thanks to her own self-publishing advice (okay, fine, i’ll link that video too, shortly,) is useful because i must study margins and good poetry fonts. i plan to pay an illustrator and an editor to do what they do best, when i am able, and it is finished being written.

on an entirely different note, here’s another song i’ve been enjoying:

ashnikko is so fun and seems so cool. i relate to her a lot, is what i think i mean.

i don’t think i talk about it nearly enough, but music (listening) is one of my main and best coping techniques. i am listening almost constantly, except when i dissociate while it’s paused, then i dissociate longer, and harder, so i guess there’s that.

have you washed your hands recently? with soap, for 20+ seconds? okay. just checking. we are, after all, mid-pandemic, and i am in the country at its epicenter, largely due to our inadequate current government situation. i mean, inadequate is generous, the usa resembles a slobbering toddler throwing a tantrum and being the opposite of helpful more than most countries i can name off the top of my head. i get to talk shit about the uk and the usa, dual nationality baby. actually, i think anyone gets to talk shit about my two countries of citizenship, since they have done so many wrongs and yet continue to.

wrestlemania is tonight, and there will be no live crowd because of the covid-19 virus. i will be watching it live on kast with my local bff ariel alexander, who i have appeared in several a video with.

we’re cute best friends! we’re both self-quarantining but i love them and we are video chatting on discord regularly. we are both having a hard time with the isolation so we help each other out.

i’ll write more about retiring from swork later – one day, at least.

i love that second photo even though i am holding my pleaser heel so awkwardly.

my OF is free now. that’s all i’ll say on that.

i also wanted to mention other things! but oh boy – my post is fleshy already! i could post another time, but i’d forget, you know, the things i wanted to post about. i could write more, but then this risks literally never getting published.

i go with the latter option. a long blog post is better than not documenting my every thought. i will push myself to get this published.

when i wrote that, a self-doubting voice in my head (not literally, my psychotic symptoms are and have always been visual and tactile not auditory as far as i know) told me that, “yes, you will publish this post. just like you’ve sewed your curtains.”

to be fair, i’ve never sewed curtains before, but i’ve published a lot of blog posts in my lifetime. even if you discredit tumblr as a blogging site, which i tend to.

there is so much. just, so much. i have almost infinite things to say. who could stop me. would you want to? i’ll post again soon, promise. i have to. i must. what else can i do?

xoxo,
zélie